Chew Them Out

>> LeBron hopes the Cavs hang up his old #23 one day. The Cavs hope that #6 hangs himself.

2011-03-29T22:52:00.000-04:00

>> Kevin Love was upgraded to questionable for a game againt Boston. Unfortunately, his team continues to be out indefinitely.

2011-03-27T01:23:00.001-04:00

>> Alex Rodriguez surprised a 12-year-old girl with a phone call Saturday. Lawrence Taylor warned, "Take it from me, you should hide it better."

2011-03-27T01:15:00.005-04:00

>> Freddy Garcia was chosen as the 5th man in the Yankee rotation in part because its never good to have an overactive Colon.

2011-03-26T13:39:00.001-04:00

>>Jared Sullinger vows to return to Ohio St next season. "I'm a simple guy. The money and the cars the boosters give me is enough for me."

2011-03-26T10:22:00.004-04:00

>> Pedro Martinez had a portrait unveiled at the Smithsonian today. Right before, he threw down the previous picture of Don Zimmer.

2011-03-25T22:53:00.005-04:00

>> Phillies closer Brad Lidge will start the season on the DL citing a severe ego contusion.

2011-03-25T22:50:00.002-04:00

>> Daisuke Matsuzaka donated $1 Million to support the victims of the hurricane in Japan. Due to his lack of control, the money went to New Orleans.

2011-03-25T22:40:00.002-04:00

>> Although David West tore his ACL, its the Hornets that probably won't be making a run in the playoffs

2011-03-25T22:39:00.004-04:00

Defending "No Defense"

2011-03-15T11:26:00.005-04:00

In grammar school your coach may have preached the mantra: “Defense wins championships.” It seemed easy enough: Just stay in front the guy you're guarding. Hands up. Move your feet. Force him into a bad shot. Hell, if you're lucky, maybe even force a turnover. All ways to stop them from scoring. If your team does it, you win. In theory, it works every time. Unfortunately, theory doesn't account for 5'10 mustachioed 8-year-olds... with weird ethnic names... who score 50 points in their bad games... and leave you unable to wake for school on Monday because you spent all night crying into Mr. Cuddles. But I'm over it, I swear.

New Yorkers are a product of 5-minute fast foods and 25-cent tabloid newspapers. To fans here, teams are either the 96 Bulls or the worst thing to ever happen to pro sports. (Apparently, the middle ground was a victim of the Bloomberg budget cuts.) All but six games into the Carmelo Era, a 3-3 record had the Big Apple already calling for Mike D’Antoni’s head like John the Baptist.

What if every job carried the pressure of instant glory? I mean that type of thinking seems to work so well in the Sudan. They ask, "Why not the Knicks?" as if New York had come to expect a certain degree of success because of its history of second round defeats and failed championship aspirations. Patrick Ewing is not rolling around in his figurative grave. (Although he would make a pretty good Frankenstein) They’re not the Yankees.

Could we please cut D'Antoni just a little more slack? Wouldn’t you want your team to gain every ounce of knowledge they could from this guy? Whether or not the guy is the right coach, it is universally agreed that he is a top-tier offensive coach. And he's coaching on a team with two top-tier offensive players. Not the Starbury's or the Stevie Franchises or player X with a clever moniker and not so keen basketball IQ. In Amare Stoudemire and Carmelo Anthony, New York has 2 premier scorers. Having an offensive playbook catered to their skills could fatten up their stats like Baron Davis on the Cavaliers. (Come back to me in a year...)

Systems are created to cater to its best players. In Phoenix, Steve Nash was the best player. Offensively, he was a genius; giving the assist a rebirth of sorts. He made it cool to pass again. Defensively, however, he might have had trouble guarding the life-sized standup of his opponent, much less the breathing version. Amare came into the league looking to put up huge numbers on marquee players, admiring them so much he was nice enough to posterize them on more than his share of occasions. The point is, these guys didn’t come in to the league as Bruce Bowens, but the system won the games. You can’t turn around and push these circles into square pegs.

If the argument is that D’Antoni coached teams play poor defense then the argument starts to gain some steam, but I would counter with who on these teams were considered a good defender when D’Antoni wasn’t there? Did he make them worse? When Terry Porter, a defensive-guy stepped in, the Suns record was worse than under D’Antoni and Porter was shipped out like a used textbook on Amazon.

The statement “They never play any defense” seems to lose its grip when that same general New Yorker also claims that Derek Jeter is the worst defensive player in baseball history when defensive metrics clearly show that Chuck Knoblauch is. (Light up Applause sign here) Playing no defense would mean making no effort whatsoever. Playing NO DEFENSE would indicate that they just stand under their own basket the whole entire game – essentially a team of anti-Jared Jeffrieses. This just isn't the case.

Two statements:

“If Robert Horry didn’t check Steve Nash into the stands, the Suns might have won the championship that year.”

“D’Antoni could never win because his teams don’t play any defense.”

It’s funny how it can be common rhetoric that two contradictory statements are true. (Like the Xenadrine commercial where Ronnie from Jersey Shore says “I like to keep it real.”) Whether or not you believed that the 2006-07 Suns were Disney World-bound is beside the point; you must admit they took it to the Spurs that year. It took seven games of the conference final to determine the better team, a team without Amare Stoudemire who was punished by David Stern for standing up. (The ability to stand up quickly always peeved Stern.) The system won them 62 games in 2005 and the Western Conference regular season #1 seed. The system could win with the right players in place getting hot at the right time. Period.

Opinions aside, D’Antonomics/the run-and-gun/seven seconds or less system (insert Dwight Howard “Pause”) carries with it several facts:

1. Emphasis on point guards make for significant increases in assists. Assists make other players better

2. Role players tend to have their roles increased thus multiplying their own value to their teams (See: Thomas, “That Bitch” Tim) and later making them enormous sums of money (then eventually enormous sums of debt. See: Walker, Antoine).

3. Matchup problems are created when fleet-footed dominant scorers are matched up with slower larger counterparts

4. The teams are always among the top 3 in scoring.

So often are innovators looked at as imbeciles. It’s become cliché to point at Christopher Columbus claiming the world was round when everybody said it was flat, but I’m going to do that anyway. While the defensive ideology is nice and would make sense among similarly talented players, that isn't how the game works...

My personal system of rating a guy’s value is comparing them to the next available option. Show me the coach you’d rather have in New York. It’s just like when the Knicks fans called for a scoring center after the end of the “Wait, did he walk? Nah, he’s Patrick Ewing, they won’t call that.” era. Isiah Thomas brought you Eddy Curry and you suddenly realized that what was needed was an impact player: not someone simply possessing the silhouette of one. Firing D’Antoni and plugging in Terry Porter doesn’t put the Knicks any closer to where they want to be, it only sets them back. Show me championship pedigree and I will consider it but until then, the Knicks have in place a dominant coaching force. 62 wins proves that.

All those hard working kids that focused on getting their hands up? They're making clutch stops in the semi-finals of their YMCA leagues.

But the NBA? It's filled with those mustachioed 8-year-olds. The Knicks happen to have two of them. And they both happen to excel on offense. And they both happen to have a coach who pays his bills by maximizing such offensive talent. And while I know you don't want to disappoint your 7th grade coach, in the real world the best defenses don’t always win championships, but the best teams almost always do. And if the Knicks fail to get to that level, at least the system they play makes it entertaining to watch them try.

Web Gems: Brett Favre.... What should I do?

2011-03-15T01:51:00.000-04:00

Web Gems: The Miami Locker Room

2011-03-10T01:22:00.000-05:00

LeBron James is officially the new-aged MJ

2011-03-07T14:14:00.007-05:00

March 6, 2011. Mark it down as the day LeBron James has finally ascended to heights of which we haven’t seen since his Airness last danced on the hardwood for last time.

Before I go further let me give you a “500 Days of Summer”-like forewarning: I should tell you from the outset, that I am no Heat fan, and as a New Yorker, I don’t know if LeBron James himself volunteering to play on my JCC basketball team would even get me to like him once again. (Obviously joking, I’m all about the 4 inch trophies baby!)

“Michael Jordan!” That was the name exclaimed as I watched my older brother ascend to new heights and throw down a monster dunk. Of course I was 4 years old and the hoop was about as tall as he was. But nevertheless, Michael became synonymous with the sport when he inherited the title from the hands of Magic and Bird (who just held it up high enough so that little 5’11 Isiah Thomas couldn’t reach it.) And ever since Michael gracefully walked into the sunset a champion (as it is now recently been revealed that Michael’s older, fatter, slower brother Kenny was in fact the one who played for the Wizards… Fact. Google it.) fans and beat writers and even non-basketball fans have been waiting in anticipation for the next great one; the next one to captivate our minds; the next Michael.

Then in 2003, this kid, beit a 6’8, 245 lb monster of a kid, came into the league with all these expectations on his shoulders. And for the most part, he attacked them head on like Jared Jeffries was the only one in the lane stopping him. But what LeBron, his yes-men, and I came to realize is that this was no Jared Jeffries standing in his way - this was more like Dwight Howard, Shaq, Kobe Bryant, Grant Hill, Kevin Garnett, Vince Carter, Tracy McGrady and Harold Minor all standing in some sort of pyramid – the point is, he was never going to do it.

Then – the stroke of genius. This is when I point to the wrestling as the benchmark for society’s trends. Case in point: Hulk Hogan and Michael Jordan were almost treated that same and in very many ways they had a similar standing in society. For whatever reason, their records were squeaky clean, and the kids loved it. Then Stone Cold Steve Austin (and Willa Ford) came around and it became good to be bad. Suddenly to become squeaky clean was old, and the Hulkster had to look to the nWo to revive his career. And now look at him…. Err bad example…

The Decision comes along and suddenly LeBron James had his ticket. While he never could live up to the bar that MJ had previously set, what if he used a former champion (Dwyane Wade ← who btw just became the new Brett Favre with his spelling) and Avatar to stick the bar up the fans ass and on the way down give the Stone Cold ‘F U’.

The fans didn’t want a hero. Like what was said in Spiderman, they’ll love you for a while, then spit you out when they’re tired of seeing you. See, what the fans really want is drama. If LeBron goes and wins 10 championships in Cleveland, so what? He’d be mentioned in the same breath as Michael Jordan and Bill Russell. If he averages a triple double, he’d be mentioned with the Big O, (Oscar Robertson, not what Delonte West gave LeBron’s mom. Sorry couldn’t resist.) Now, by bringing all this, for a lack of a better term, Heat on himself he suddenly stands alone as the singularly most hated individual in the NBA … yes even more hated than Ron Artest, and he punches fans in the face.

Now every night LeBron faces crowds on the edge of the feet waiting for LeBron to brain-fart. When his team lost 4 in a row this week, 3 of them close (and one at the hands of my Knickerbockers!!!) suddenly the teary-eyed Miami locker room became the talk of the town. They’re failures are all over the back pages!

What’s missing in all this hoopla, is that this drama is bringing the casual fan back into the sport – even if it’s to sit 3 rows away from him and to curse him out.

He has become the new-aged hero. The one we love to hate. He gives us all the reasons to hate him and he vows to shove it down our throat for doubting him, but in the end, that’s all we ever really wanted.

Web Gems: Swaggerlicious Entrance... Boxing Fail

2011-03-05T00:55:00.001-05:00

The Carmelo Topping

2011-03-03T10:02:00.011-05:00

I remember where I was when the trade went through; on the couch where I often found myself falling asleep to SportsCenter or a Knicks in 60. Needless to say, as a Jets and Knicks fan, I considered it both very plausible and equally likely that I was dreaming since for as long as I’ve been a competent thinker, I’ve known my favorite teams to swing and miss at these opportunities as if Richie Sexson was running the team. (Richie Sexson, a 6’9 former? MLB 1st Baseman ironically would probably be a better fit for these new look Knicks than Jared Jeffries.)

Back to the story. It wasn’t until the next morning, back on that same couch when the “I’m Coming Home” commercial came on that it finally sunk in. When the “I know my kingdom awaits...” lyrics came on the screen and the helicopter view of the Garden was shown I started to get chills; and the good kind, not the kind that LeBron James gets when he tries to cross the street without Dwyane Wade holding his hand. What we were getting in Carmelo Anthony wasn’t a “Stephon Marbury.” Carmelo Anthony is a bonified scorer, someone who can create a shot in more than a variety of ways, utilizing his quickness with the best first step in the league; a post game that would make Dwight Howard jealous; or simply continuing on the NBA record for the most “long-lost art of the mid-range jumper” references by commentators in an NBA season. We’re currently at 639 this season.

And the so-called ‘costly’ package we gave up of Winky Chandler, Danny Gallinari, Ray Felton, Eddy Curry, Sir Anthony Randolph, Ivan Drago and some picks that probably won’t be useful since we fully expect them to be in the 25-30 range anyway are all great pieces, and while I loved them while they were here, let’s be real: they’re pieces to put around a player like Carmelo Anthony. By now I think you would know if Danilo’s career was leaning more towards the Dirk Nowitzki end of the see-saw or more the Hedo Turkoglu. I hated getting rid of Felton too, but it took all of 6 seconds into the first game for Chauncey Billups to look comfortable in the offense. Wilson Chandler? Yeah, I’d like to have him on my bench but you simply do not hold out on the opportunity to set your whole future up in an instant.

Yes, the roster as it is may seem as bare as Jared Jeffries without a shirt on, (Jared Jeffries insult #2 for those keeping score) but so what?! Role players are replaceable and the oh-so-needed defensive-minded big man are likely never going to have to cash an unemployment check.(Welfare, however may be entirely different issue) Lest we forget about the veterans a la Shaquille O’Neal, Mike Bibby, Big Z... etc, etc on the downside of their career interested only in experiencing the feeling of placing a ludicrously-oversized ring on those digits. You could be damn sure those guys weren’t coming here to play with Jared Jeffries (#3).

New York, why not concentrate on what we actually do have on this team now?

Two truly elite scorers in STAT and Melo. That means no more waiting for Eddy Curry to develop; No more pretending Stephon Marbury is a dominant force; No more blaming Allan Houston for never becoming what he never was; and no more hoping that Larry Johnson develops Wolverine’s mutant healing abilities. We now have 2 (probably 3) guys that could literally change the game at will, and even more so now because there just happens to be two of them and defensive minds can't just send the hounds at them.
Two elite rebounders at their position in Carmelo Anthony and Landry Fields, albeit neither of them play a traditionally rebounding position, it makes a difference especially when you’re playing Ronnie Turiaf as if this was 2004 and he was still playing for Gonzaga.
A real leader of a point guard in Chauncey Billups, a guy who still has something to prove and was a #2 pick of the draft. Oh yeah, did we mention that he was the NBA Finals MVP? If come crunch time in a playoff game is there any other point guard you'd want with the ball in their hands? Which brings us to...
We now have 3 of the most clutch players in the NBA in our own Big 3. In one season we went from having question marks taking shots to legitimate studs... and while a question mark may have pretty decent form, they really don't have too much lift on that period. (English humor...so sue me!)
Overnight New York went from being “The place you could make a lot of money and gain a lot of exposure since its a big market” to “a place that you could win a championship in a huge market.” See how much that makes Dwight Howard or Chris Paul's spidey-senses tingle.

So in short, New York, get over your emotions. While you’re out complaining that we gave up too much, you’re missing out on the makings of a perennial contender. And for God’s sake, please stop calling for the Knicks to sign Troy Murphy or Earl Barron. That kind of thinking got Patrick Ewing traded for 75 Jared Jeffrieses (What’s that like #6? He sucks. Get it?!) The only advantage you guys have over Donnie Walsh is your assumed superior mobility. That’s it! Stop trying to band-aid a long term goal! Truly if the fans had it their way we might have ended up with Bosh Spice and Joe Johnson right now instead of STAT and Melo.

We’re well on our way, long-suffering Knicks followers. And as I see it, anything short of Carmelo or Amare suffering a freak accident slipping on a frozen draft envelope in practice, we just might have the team we have all been dreaming of for over a decade.

He went to Jared?!

2011-03-03T01:16:00.001-05:00

2009-10 NBA Season in (P)review

2009-11-18T01:41:00.008-05:00

I’m not a fan at all of preview articles. To me, they’re more reviews of the last season than Nostradamus-like glimpses into the future. Ev-ery article, ev-ery league, ev-ery year is the same with same championship teams in the top 2 or 3 and the good team that improve via off-season signing. And for that, the Buck stops here (and I'm not talking about Michael Redd and his inevitable return too soon from injury).

If you didn’t already notice by now, I don’t like cookie cutter systems. Cookie cutter systems are the ones that have me drafting Larry Johnson in fantasy football no matter how low I drop him. These are the systems that tell you that Jamarcus Russell is the can’t miss prospect despite the logical reasons to think the contrary. They’re also the ones that cause NBA GM’s to inexplicably sign and resign Tim Thomas, despite the fact that he hasn’t cared about actually playing basketball since his 11th grade. Generally, I prefer to use logic and if all else fails, NBA 2K10's rating system (jk). So now, for the first time this year you will get the 2009-10 NBA Season in REview; and what better way to do that than to unveil the official and unofficial off-season awards.

MVP: The Most Valuable player is LeBron James. I’m sorry. There’s just no other way I could cut it. He is the best player in the league, and he will continue to be the best player for the next 10 years (or until his knee gives out, most likely, 3 minutes after signing with the Knicks.)

Rookie of the Year: Brandon Jennings… I even threatened to call this the Kenyon Martin Award or the Smartest Retard award for a draft class weaker than Kevin Durant but does Blake Griffin qualify for indirectly making his team better by inspiring the two guys he'd be taking minutes from to have career years? Jennings-mania has already caught on, with 102% of people calling him the next AI. The question now is, who is the next BJ? Tim Thomas, put your hand down.

NBA Finals Matchup: Cavaliers VS Spurs… Yes a return to glory for the San Antonio Slow-But-Steady- Spurs…

NBA Champions: Poppovich realizes that the only man on earth that could guard LeBron James plays for the Cavs and is named LeBron James. Ginobili pulls out the right side of his hair in Game 1 not-so-surprisingly easily, then shaves his head. LeBron confuses him for a smaller Ilgauskas and turns it over to him in the waning moments of Game 6, blowing the game and the series. During the Post-game interview, he tears his Cavs jersey down the middle to reveal a Knicks jersey he's been wearing all along underneath, going on to proclaim that he is now the King of New York. An enraged Mike Brown hits LeBron with a steel chair and Al Roker, seated in the front row next to Spike Lee is arrested out of confusion. Somewhere, Vince McMahon smiled, but only as a side effect of steroid abuse.

OK. For all of you who wanted the Cliff’s Notes, this is where your article ends. But then again Cliff's Notes sole purpose is to get you to pass English and if you were actually reading this for your English class, then perhaps your teacher should find a new profession. For all of you who are still awake , the awkwardly uncomfortable foreplay is now complete and we can finally get to the fun stuff. No homo.

The Michael Jackson Award – For the guy who just died all of a sudden, but really wasn’t all that surprising either: Stephon Marbury… career dropped off faster than Steve and Barry’s after releasing the Starbury 2. Hmmm...

The Stevie Franchise Award – For the guy who everyone thinks is great but then gets traded and all of a sudden loses all playing ability: Despite Elton Brand lobbying for the award this year claiming a ‘Red-Shirt’ for last year, he had no shot up against Hedo Turkoglu who realized that his open threes were mainly manufactured by the wildly overgrown child in the middle.

The Brian Scalabrine Award – For the guy riddled with limitations on the basketball court but really does one thing well and will always kill you for it: Eddie House. Very rarely do you get two award candidates on the same team and one of them actually takes the award but this is indeed the case, especially when theres "Eddie Houses" playing against you in every Men's League nationwide, and you know exactly how the stumpy 3-point gunner plays.

The Shawn Marion Award - For the guy whose fantasy numbers trump their actual value to their real team: Andris Beidrins. He’s like a Dwight Howard… if he was skinny, white, and not dominantly athletic. Oh, and btw, that’s not a good thing. Apologies to Troy Murphy as he would have been a lock, had he been able to lift a lock without getting hurt.

The Curtis Martin award – For the guy who everyone says is underrated so much that everyone in the world says he’s underrated, thus making him overrated: Andre Iguodala… good defender, efficient scorer. That’s it. Getting 1st option money when he's a 4th option at best.

The Leon Washington award – for the guy who everyone says is underrated, yet is still severely underrated: Danny Granger. Like 2004 fantasy Shawn Marion, only the real-life version.

The LaDanian Tomlinson Award – for the guy whose value made you love him but suffers an injury and never is the same player again, thus crippling your franchise: Well, Allen Iverson was the obvious award winner here last year, and he actually was a front runner for it again here this year if we didn’t completely see it coming. Ultimately the award has to go to Yao Ming, who after trying to come back way too soon from foot woes, had another ‘successful’ surgery mid-season.

The James Posey Award (Formerly the Jerome James Award) – for the guy who had one good Playoff last year and gets a ridiculous amount of money for doing so little, thus crippling the team’s salary cap: Marcin Gortat. Career backup big man. Didn’t the Magic ever watch footage of Jerome James? Apparently Otis Smith doesn’t know Youtube.

The Pre-Garnett Paul Pierce Award – for the player who is clearly a 3rd or 4th option on a Championship team, but gets overrated as a superstar because his team is terrible: Joe Johnson… come on… he’s a shooter who can dribble.

The Eddie Curry Award – For the player who with unlimited upside that the fans just started to realize will never reach that potential: Marvin Williams. Pains me to say it and I don’t hate the Hawks, for your entertainment. With him getting drafted over much better options, he has essentially become Joe Smith 2.0. Ironically, Joe Smith is now on the same team, perhaps serving as a mentor, as the Hawks wanted to ensure Williams remained remarkably average.

The Zach Randolph Award – For the player who undoubtedly will hoist up the worst shot at the worst possible time: Zach Randolph/Allen Iverson. Much like Stockton and Malone winning the Co-MVP for the All-Star game, there is no better combination than what the Grizzills decided to use to stunt the growth of their young team.

The Lazarus Award – The guy who was brought back from the dead: Last year Shaquille O’Neal ran away with the award. This year he was a candidate for the Michael Jackson. This year Manu Ginobili brought back Happy Days to San Antonio… and reminiscent laughs for fans of Balki from “Perfect Strangers”. His new nickname should be Nick at Nite.

The Jamarcus Russell Award – The guy who deep down in your heart knew was a huge draft bust, yet was drafted anyway and turns out to be even worse: Hasheem Thabeet… so many things I just don’t like… in particular a big guy lacking big guy skills.

The Lamar Odom Award – For the small forward who is a combination of size, ball handling skill, and 3-point shooting ability making analysts pee themselves claiming they have never seen such a combination: Carmelo Anthony.

So there you have it. Go place your bets! And remember, Marbury is a mortal lock for the Jackson.

CTO Needs a DOMAIN!!!

2009-07-23T01:27:00.000-04:00

If you have any ideas please email me at jason.paderon@gmail.com

Screw Me, Hank Steinbrenner needs a blog

2008-07-02T22:49:00.006-04:00

I've been under a rock for most of the year (working), but if I'm not mistaken, this is precisely the second time Hank Steinbrenner has called out his team, and for the second time, the Yankees responded.

I just watched the Yankees put up 18 runs on 16 hits after looking much like Rey Ordonez at the plate for the last week or so. My conclusion... Hank bitches = Yankees win and this is with 100% accuracy. Since we aren't talking about the Knicks, I like those odds. So keep on bitchin' Hank... keep on bitchin'.

Draft This!

2008-06-26T12:58:00.005-04:00

After my daily prayers for Derrick Rose to the Knicks went unanswered I found my answer after Paul Pierce and the Celtics went on to prove that there is, in fact, no God.

OK, maybe I'm getting de ja vu but didn't the same crap happen to Boston last year that's happening to New York this year? And see how that turned out?

Glass half full... glass half full...

Damnit. It didn't work. Yeah and my Knicks are still stuck with a BS pick in a BS draft with BS fans who don't give a BS. God I hope they do something. To tell you the truth, I'm not very intrigued with many of the guys on the board past Beasley. It seems like a very "Kenyon Martin" type draft.

But speaking of Beasley, I seem to think that Pat Riley really wants him. I mean maybe it's just me (and Mario Castelli who brought this up btw) but I find it very easy to think that Pat Riley has a little something up his sleeve... why else would he have lobbied for Derrick Rose so much? Hmmm. Honest people just don't slick their hair back like that as we all learned from D2: The Mighty Ducks.

And don't be surprised, by the way, if the Bulls pull a "Dwight Howard" on us and go and take Beasley anyway. I mean, HE IS after all, the better fit. How could it even be argued? They would need to trade half their team just to play Rose... and last time they did something like that they traded away Tyson Chandler to pay an over-the-hill Ben Wallace who essentially was just a shorter version of Chandler. Meanwhile, Beasley fills the scoring forward need... and best of all, they wouldn't NEED to hope Tyrus Thomas finally learned how to play basketball. Just a thought.

Now if you don't mind, Danny Ainge just gave me the Devil's phone number. I need to ask him for Russell Westbrook.

Web Gems: White Guy's Crazy Dunking

2008-06-26T12:17:00.003-04:00

Web Gems: Larry Merchant comes back to life and attacks!

2008-03-15T21:40:00.001-04:00

Got something to say?

2008-02-27T23:48:00.001-05:00

We are currently looking for entertaining writers to add to our staff. If you are interested, e-mail me at paderon@chewthemout.com.

Indigestion 2/24/08

2008-02-24T22:23:00.004-05:00

The Atlanta Falcons have won the coin toss to gain the third pick in the 2008 draft. Unfortunately for the Falcons, they could not keep the coin to help pay for Michael Vick’s salary.
Jason Kidd was finally traded to the Dallas Mavericks after the original trade was amended to include Keith Van Horn instead of Jerry Stackhouse. Van Horn will receive a pro-rated $4 Million to come out of retirement. Never has a player been paid to do nothing since, well, Keith Van Horn was in the NBA.
This just in, Latrell Sprewell and his starving children are turning in their graves.
The Nets, however, were unable to get another deal done as their proposed trade of Josh Boone to the Miami Heat for a pair of used NBA-brand tube socks was blocked by ‘Devious’ Devean George.
Big trades; Ben Wallace, Wally Szczerbiak, and Delonte West are all headed to Cleveland in the first move GM Danny Ferry has made in two years. The reason for waiting this long: he having a two year conference with Isiah Thomas.
Alex Rodriguez sparked talk after admitting to have been tested 9 times over the last year. Since this would only be possible after failing amphetamine test, Rodriguez admitted that he exaggerated only to feel better than Derek Jeter.
Dwight Howard won the 2008 Slam Dunk contest after posting a perfect score through the first two rounds. His second dunk, the “Superman Dunk” sparked some ire from fans as he did not actually dunk the ball, but rather, threw the ball through the basket. After Gerald Green protested, Howard threw Green off the back of the backboard, did a windmill and dunked just because he can.
Miami Dolphins defensive end, Jason Taylor has signed on to be on the next “Dancing With the Stars.” Taylor’s testicles have quickly demanded a trade.
An incriminating photo of Roger Clemens at Jose Canseco’s party might have irreparably damaged Clemens’ case. Since he was pitching like he was 20, Clemens is expected to be charged with under-aged drinking as well as perjury and he will be forced to give up his Miss America Crown next week.
Indiana University head coach Kelvin Sampson was forced to resign after the NCAA discovered repeated recruiting violations. The violation came about when Sampson apparently did not provide freshman star Eric Gordon with a car and a fake job in return for attending Indiana.

Web Gems: 10 of the Worst Dunks Ever

2008-02-19T21:28:00.001-05:00

You just really need to see this.

ChewThemOut Indigestion 2/14/08

2008-02-14T19:30:00.005-05:00

A trade that would have sent Jason Kidd back to Dallas in a seven-player deal fell through when Devean George exercised his no-trade clause. The NBA assumed it was a typo. Not the clause, but the fact that Devean George was still in the NBA.
All-time winningest NCAA Basketball coach Bob Knight stepped down as coach of Texas Tech last week, effective immediately. Apparently he knew it was his time when he tried to throw a chair at his backup point guard and realized that he was still alone in his bathroom.
Roger Clemens appeared on Capitol Hill to defend himself against the steroid accusations of former trainer, Brian McNamee. Clemens’ defense was weakened by visual evidence and incriminating testimony by Andy Pettitte. When questioned, Clemens threw a broken baseball bat at the representative claiming he thought it was a baseball.
Florida Panthers forward Richard Zednik suffered a near-death experience on the ice when a rogue ice-skate sliced his throat open. The ice skate was scheduled for questioning by Senator George Mitchell, but was since destroyed by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell.
ESPN has announced that Suzy Kolber and Michele Tafoya will see reduced roles in next year’s coverage of Monday Night Football. Their reasoning: Their target audience doesn't want to look at women. Richard Jefferson has since been let go from his position at ESPN.
Speaking of RJ, Rumor has it that Jefferson got into an altercation with a man in a Minneapolis night club, threatening that he would “kick the guy’s ass.” And to further prove his dominance he said he would also get his 9-year-old personal tattoo artist to tattoo an RJ on the guy’s arm.
In an unrelated nightclub story, Ron Artest embarassingly got shut out of a nightclub in front of TMZ cameras when the club claimed they had no idea who he was. Artest walked away peacefully and without argument. However, when a fan later asked him for an autograph, Artest punched him.
Shaquille O’Neal and Bill Walton had a war of words which came about from Walton referring to Shaquille’s championship aspirations as “an insult to people to think.” However, Walton lost some credibility when he went on to say that marijuana was “an insult to people who do drugs for all-time in the history of this, or any perpendicular universe.”
Seattle Supersonic Wally Szczerbiak made headlines when he stated his plans to name his future baby boy Maximus after the movie, Gladiator. His original choice of 'Michael' was quickly insulted then dismissed by his wife, Shannon of Minnesota.
After several unedited, vulgar and expletive-laden clips of Chris Berman appeared on the video site YouTube, ESPN asked the site to remove all the videos citing copyright issues. Apparently, Courtney Love owns a copyright on drug-related rants.
After much speculation that Jim Fassel would be named the next Redskins coach, Fassel blamed bloggers for him falling out of favor. He continued that he also blames Fantasy Football players for his drafting of Shaun Alexander over Adrian Peterson and Brian Westbrook.
Dwight Howard’s request to raise the hoop to 12 feet for this year's slam dunk contest was denied for the second consecutive year. The league stated that they didn’t want to show favoritism as it had previously denied the other 490 players’ request to raise the hoop to 12 feet when Dwight Howard dunked.

Isiah, it's Now or Never

2008-02-13T22:23:00.002-05:00

Simple question: Is now the time for the Knicks firesale?

While most of you out there was wishing for it since the days of Charlie Ward, even going Benny Arnold on us jumping on the early millenium Nets bandwagon, I think we really have come upon the time.

I could live with the losses last year; Jamal Crawford and David Lee both getting hurt for the season-defining stretch run really made me believe. Then the Knicks inexplicably found somebody to take Channing Frye and Steve Francis, and even better, they gave us their best player in return in Z-Bo.

So with a team tinkering on .500 for the good part of last year, with the addition of another young dominant big man, things were looking good. Excitement actually started to build, even with Sports Illustrated predicting a second-place finish in the Atlantic Division.

So maybe things didn't get off to a great start. That was to be expected. I'll live with the blowouts, seriously, because you can tell that there was room for improvement. However these last nine losses in 10 games have been the worst stretch I could remember. As opposed to early blowout losses, these Knicks were finally playing scrappy and jumping out to leads. But just like that girl that got away in high school, they were first just a big tease, and then they break your heart.

It has become evident that they're not winning because you simply can't win with energy players alone. What kills me is they are actually playing good basketball and it doesn't seem to be enough. And if this culture continues even Nate Robinson, Ronaldo Balkman and David Lee might stop trying so hard.

"Fire Isiah" chants need not apply, this actually might be the best stretch of coaching he's had. But if he values his job, he better not go down with the ship without a fight, and that ship better not be sinking with the Jerome James and Malik Rose weighing it down.

The Knicks need to deal now. Ron Artest is supposedly as good as in the Knicks back pocket for next year. Well, one, you better be damn sure that he will sign for the mid-level exception and two, you had better move some of those guys whose minutes Ronnie will be occupying next year. If it means losing Balkman than so be it. But Tom Cruise's God help us if we take back Mike Bibby or some other bullshit player. I'm tired of these mid-level talents. New York needs a New York guy, with a New York attitude that we could cheer about.

It's time now. No holding back anymore. But whatever you do, Isiah, if you do improve this team, please give this team an identity, and keep them in position to acquire a superstar. LeBron is waiting in the wings, don't let him end up in Brooklyn.

Web Gems: Dwight's Dunk Contest Practice

2008-02-13T22:01:00.000-05:00

Web Gems: Isiah Thomas gets fired... Seinfeld style

2008-02-12T00:14:00.001-05:00

Web Gems: Chris Berman yet again, this time leting you know how to smuggle drugs from Canada

2008-02-12T00:08:00.000-05:00

Are there even franchise players anymore?

2008-02-08T12:52:00.001-05:00

Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman, the paper boy, David Tyree...

OK, maybe it wasn't how you remember the Full House theme, but the message still rings true, especially in sports. And no, I'm not talking about the Giants improbable Super Bowl run, I'll leave that for somebody else. I'm talking about the superstars often deemed "franchise players."

Back in the day, franchise players were all over sports. Magic Johnson, Larry Bird, Michael Jordan, Joe Montana... etc, all were pretty much with one team throughout their whole career and for good reason. I mean other than those hanging on just a little too long (Favre-ing) could you really even picture these guys in any other colors? The answer was no. Today? I'm not so sure. But today t seems as if we use the 'franchise' word more liberally than Andris Biedrins uses sun tan oil.

In the last week we saw we saw the greatest player in the Grizzles short history (Kung-Pau Gasol) traded for the Ryan Leaf of the NBA, Kwame Brown. We also saw the best pitcher in baseball (Johan Santana) and the greatest big man of the last decade (The Artist formerly known as Kazaam) moved before we knew it. . and yet we nonchalantly pushed the news aside because we've seen it all before.

Whether it was Terrell Owens, Kevin Garnett, Alex Rodriguez... etc etc, we HAVE seen it before. With big name players moving so around so much they ought to sell jerseys with a dry-erase board on the back. I mean on quick glance of my closet I can now officially classify my authentic Pacers Ron Artest jersey, Pistons Ben Wallace jersey, Nets Kenyon Martin jersey and Knicks Antonio McDyess jersey as unintentional throwbacks.

With so many players now-a-days playing GM, getting the players they want around them (a-la-Kobe Bryant), trading themselves (a-la-Jason Kidd), coupled with free agency and a salary cap, its no wonder why we could never know what to expect... and not in the good way.

And while rumors of LeBron, Wade, Kobe, Jermaine O'Neal and Ron Artest to my Knicks does prove salivating, is it really in the leagues' best interest? Shouldn't Kobe forever live in Laker lore? Magic Johnson was always a Laker. Larry Bird never asked for a trade. Michael Jordan never signed a 3-year-deal in his prime to move to a bigger market. So why are we giving these scrubs (in comparison) all this power?

Free Agency and the salary cap obviously isn't working when Jared Jeffries is getting the full-midlevel exception and David Lee (the Knicks' most important player) hasn't cracked $1 Million. Then when teams like the Orlando Magic go and give a max deal to a mid-level player like Rashard Lewis, we criticize. It's crap. The whole system is crap.

Even in baseball, which has no salary c(r)ap, mid-level teams are still using their smaller-sized market as an excuse for not paying the players they are lucky enough to scout well. Last time I checked, all these teams still sell $8 beers and $5 hot dogs. They all made money but the owners are more concerned about filling their wallet than filling their trophy case.

I really can't blame the players for going out and trying to get paid. I mean if it really was about the winning, wouldn't their local YMCA suffice? It's about getting paid first, then winning. It always has been, even now at the high school and college levels. And it sucks. I really don't know a way to fix it or how to bring it back to the way it was back when Full House was on the air. All I know is that and Danny Tanner curses now. The whole world's gone to hell.

Web Gems: Backyard Super Bowl Stadium Recreation

2008-02-07T23:52:00.000-05:00

Web Gems: Berman Goes Nuts...on Emmitt!

2008-02-05T18:56:00.000-05:00

Somebody get Emmitt Smith off TV please.

Is New England Celebrating Too Soon?

2008-02-02T14:37:00.002-05:00

The New England Patriots are the best team in NFL history.

Tom Brady is arguably one of the best quartebacks in NFL history.

Bill Belichick is arguably one of the best coaches in NFL history.

We have all heard this and much more from everyone and everyone, but are the Patriots, the New Englanders, and the rest of the country excluding New York. But the question remains…are

they celebrating too soon? The Super Bowl hasn’t even been played people. Although my faith is as strong as ever since I will remain a Giants fan till my last breath, I find it hard to believe that as the Super Bowl is so close, even New Yorkers are forgetting that the Giants are 3-0 in the playoffs and have beat team after team to get to the big game. The Giants have also come excruciatingly close to destroying the Patriots perfect season. Although we don’t have Randy Moss, and Dante Stallworth as wide receivers…we have more reliable ones in Amani Toomer, Plaxico Burress, we also have an amazing young tight end in Kevin Boss and a good wide receiver in Steve Smith.

We also have a few star players of our own. Who needs Tom Brady when we have Eli Manning…yes I know he hasn’t always been the most reliable, but in past games he has proved to himself and to Giants fans that he is the man to lead this team to a Super Bowl win. Our defensive line is all that worries me, but with Michael Strahan and Osi leading the charge I should not be as worried. The Patriots’ O-line looked stubborn as the Giants failed to penetrate it often. However, every now and then…if they wanted so bad they could taste it…they would get through with Strahan taking on 3 blockers at one time.

The upcoming Super Bowl should be an interesting one and I had hoped that everyone in New York was anticipating a surprising Giants showing. But I was astonished when I found one man told me that the Giants would get destroyed and lose by 59 points…Really guy? 59 point? Then I completely disregarded his comment because he revealed to me he was actually a Cowboy fan to my enjoyment about bringing up the Giants playoff win against them.

All I can say is keep your eyes glued to the screen during this Super Bowl…otherwise you will miss history in the making shattered by the will of the Giants.

Robbin Antony aka Sanjay

The Giants? Really?

2008-02-02T00:53:00.002-05:00

OK OK... now everybody's had two weeks to finish their blue Kool-Aid and many seem to be jumping on the bandwagon... as expected. But in all seriousness, do you really EXPECT the Giants to win?

Look, I'm a Jets fan and a New Yorker. So there's nothing more I'd like to see than a Bostonian sulking in a dramatic defeat over Tom Brady's injured body. Nothing, except maybe a wild Josh Beckett pitch to Curt Schilling's mouth but baseball is only an afterthought right now.

The Patriots are the better team. Simple as that, no bones about it. I don't know if any educated person can deny it. Now CAN the Giants win? Of course they can. Any given Sunday, you know.
There is really no way you can honestly predict a Giants win. I'm sorry. No way, and if you do, then you're just over-thinking it. The Giants are merely a matchup problem; much like the Jags were.

Yes, Brandon Jacobs is the last guy the aging, women's-hat-wearing Patriot linebackers want to see. But then again, they were the 4th ranked defense in the league. Yes, the Giants put up a fight the last time and only lost by three, but they DID lose by three. Yes, Eli has been finally playing like a Manning, but then again Brady's been playing like a Manning his whole career. Yes, the Giants won 10 straight road games, but the Pats won 18 straight games.

Now with all that being said, it means nothing this Sunday. Anything could really happen. The Patriots would probably win about 7 out of 10 matchups but you never know. On the very first minutes, Osi can invert Tom Brady's knee ligaments, Corey Webster could lay out Randy Moss and a wild, raging Brandon Jacobs can overrun the sidelines and give Belichick a well-deserved concussion. But hey, until one of these things happens, 7 out of 10 times is a lot. And that ratio is probably generous.

Personally, you know what result I'd like to see, but I really cant expect that, no educated consumer really can. If the Geeeeee-men pulled it off, I wouldn't be too surprised but the Patriots are the clear-cut favorites. Act like it.

Superbowl Head-To-Head

2008-02-01T02:13:00.000-05:00

So when did the Giants suddenly become "destined" to beat the Patriots? I don't know about you, but a team that is currently 18-0 and looking at going 19-0 and running the table feels a lot more like a "team of destiny" than a team that has gone 14-5 and whose greatest claim to fame is winning 10 straight road games.

When did Eli Manning go from "horrible" to "savior" so quickly? I think that sound you heard was every sports writer changing their stories quicker than Cromartie taking an interception for a touchdown. But hey, lets analyze this game from position by position, shall we?

Quarterback:
Ben Roethlisberger said today if he could be any superhero, he would be Tom Brady. Until the last four games, Eli Manning's greatest claim to fame was being the younger brother of Peyton Manning. We apparently should be proud of Eli, because he hasn't been throwing the ball to the other team. That is great when the Giants' defense can keep the opponent from scoring, but if it can't and Eli has to chuck the ball in the air, I wouldn't bet on a repeat of his last game against the Patriots. Oh yeah, and Tom Brady has a QB rating of over 115 when the weather is 40 degrees or more.
EDGE: Patriots by a landslide

Running Back(s):
Jacobs and Bradshaw have become the new thunder and lightning. Meanwhile, Maroney has quietly helped to carry the team's offense in the poor weather the last few games. Also, Faulk is one of the best third down backs in the game. Here is my problem; while I rate the Giants' duo as better, they are also hampered by the fact that far more is expected of them.
EDGE: Even

Wide Receivers:
Plaxico Burress thinks his group is as good as the Patriots. I think Burress is being generous with his assessment. Burress, Toomer and Smith are certainly capable, but Moss and Welker alone are superior. Combined with Stallworth and Gaffney, I think one could easily say the Patriots have the edge here. Oh, and I predict Moss has a big game. The Giants don't have any one like Mathis, Jammer or Cromartie capable of defending him.
Edge: Patriots

Tight End:
The Giants are a perfect example of addition by subtraction here. Jeremy Shockey is a cancer whose talent doesn't outweigh how much he hampers his team. Boss has been a more than adequate replacement. Watson simply catches the ball when he has to. In the end, neither tight end is dynamic and game-changing, but also neither one is a liability in either receiving or protection.
Edge: Even

Offensive Line:
Tom Brady has more time in the pocket then he probably lasts in bed with Gisele. As for their run protection, it doens't open gigantic holes but it wears a defense down so that by the end of the game, the holes start opening up. Eli Manning has also been the beneficiary of superior protection, and I believe the Giants run protection has been marginally better than the Patriots', though that could simply be due to the difficulty in planning for two distinct runners.
Edge: Even

Defensive Line:
This is the Giants' single greatest asset; a defensive line that is superior to almost every team they face in terms of getting pressure. Unfortunately, their run defense is suspect (Marion Barber wrecked them; Ryan Grant was wrecked). The Patriots' also have a very good line and also get a lot of pressure, but in this case, the Giants simply have better and more experienced players.
Edge: Giants

Linebackers:
The Patriots linebackers are old. With age comes intelligence and knowledge, at the cost of speed and athleticism. However, the Pats' LBs have had two weeks to rest themselves, and Junior Seau has been waiting approximately a thousand years to get his ring. Plus, Adalius Thomas has been too quiet lately, and I suspect his speed and athleticism will catch Eli Manning by surprise (I predict he gets at least one interception). The Giants' LBs aren't spectactular, but they make the plays they need to make and aren't a liability defensively.
Edge: Even

Secondary:
I think Rodney Harrison is overrated; he misses too many tackles going for the kill shot and can be a liability in pass defense. Saying that, I don't think the Patriots' CBs get enough respect; they are that good. Plaxico Burress may be tall, but so is Vincent Jackson and Chris Chambers, and the Patriots kept them out of the end zone. The Chargers have a team built to score TDs in the red zone (Tomlinson, Turner, Gates, Jackson and Chambers), and yet they could get nary a TD. That should frighten the Giants more than anything else. The Giants' secondary is a joke (did you see Donald Driver's 90 yard TD?). They are prone to giving up big plays and I see no reason for this trend to not continue.
Edge: Patriots, by a lot.

Coaching:
Tom Coughlin is a very good coach. Bill Belichick is a great coach. Coughlin has never gotten this far; Belichick has been here four times in this decade alone, and his defensive gameplan for another Superbowl were so good they were enshrined in the Hall of Fame. Belichick has had two weeks to prepare, plus he has already faced them. While Coughlin has the same edge, which coach do you think is better able to use the information? I see Coughlin freezing under the pressure and making a critical error by being too conservative and not taking enough chances when it really counts. I see Belichick going for the throat and never relenting until he gets that title and finishes off a season that will be talked about for decades. Belichick is too good of a coach to overlook the Giants, and that alone will prevent the upset.
Edge: Patriots

Prediction: The key to rattling Tom Brady is pressure; the Giants can do that. Unfortunately, that is all they can do, and Tom Brady is adept at finding his receivers underneath and then going for the big play when its available. He trusts Moss and Moss has responded to that trust. On the other side, the Patriots defense gives up lots of yards, but is great at keeping opponents out of the end zone. As any mathematician can tell you, if one team keeps scoring 7 and the other keeps scoring 3, it is obvious which will win.

Patriots 42, Giants 24

Web Gems: Berman Goes Nuts

2008-02-01T01:01:00.000-05:00

Web Gems: Kordell runs over 'Joe'

2008-01-24T15:35:00.001-05:00

I hate New York's Fairweather fans

2008-01-24T02:00:00.001-05:00

I admit it. I too have found myself caught up in this Giants Cinderella-story hoopla. In fact the reason you haven't been seeing much updating over the last few days is because Brandon Jacobs was busy truck-sticking Rodney Harrison on my PS3 all week. I'm no Giants fan, but as a New Yorker (and a Jets fan and thus Patriots hater), I can't help but smile at the possibility of yet another Aaron Booneing at the hands of another New York team (even if they play in New Jersey).

And then I came back down to earth and I remembered why I hated Giants fans.

It was just this morning when I read the front page of the Daily News: Why New York loves Eli Manning... umm... you have to be kidding me. The New York media and fairweather fans seem to have bigger mood swings than a meeting of pregnant women. Wasn't it only a few months ago that Tiki Barber's commentary made you rue the day ol' Archie Manning traded Eli to the Giants? Wasn't it was only a few months ago that you were already naming coaching replacements for Tom Coughlin? Wasn't it only a few months ago that you Giants 'fans' were dreaming of Philip Rivers and Shawne Merriman (and Nate Kaeding for that matter) in a lighter shade of blue rather than this "kid who may never be as good as his brother."

Then the Patriots game happened and Eli has been playing out of his mind ever since. But let's be real. All this talk of being as good as Phil Simms or even being a premier NFL quarterback has to stop. If you believe that then you so-called fans apparently don't know shit. The guy has seriously been only good for a month yet I have seen more Eli Manning replica jerseys in the past week than replays of SportsCenter. (And it's always on TV, FYE; for your entertainment) You fairweather New Yorkers read your New York Posts and Daily Newses and appoint yourselves Giants faithful. I won't even let my dog piss on those papers, yet it seems to be the bandwagoners guide to New York sports.

And don't even start to explain to me how Tiki Barber was the locker room equivalent of Nene Hilario's left testicle. (What, too soon?) You know very well that up until that Patriots game that you honestly would trade Tiki for Eli in a second. A cancer? Last year, I heard non-stop about his greatness, and for good reason; he was the best player on the team and because the coaching staff decided to lean on him more than they should have. Is that his fault? And until this team wins the Super Bowl then it is no better than the team Tiki's fumble-prone hands carried to Super Bowl XXXV.

Maybe instead of blaming Tiki you can look at your beloved pass-catching hick of a tight end, Jeremy Shockey. I think he's the biggest reason why Eli's been playing so well. Instead of that loudmouth running headfirst into his next injury, its Kevin Boss staying behind and pass blocking like a real tight end. Hmm... extra time in the pocket = success? Not as sexy as Giants vs Tiki I guess.

Hey, real Giants fans, these fakers should bother you too. You who have followed your team from the Fassel regime all the way to a month ago when Eli started to simultaneously live up the name on the front and the back of his jersey. It's your turn to enjoy this moment. Then after you come back from that euphoria you should collectively give all these bandwagoners a New York football Giant kick in the ass. Let them wear their newly-purchased Eli Manning replica jersey. Just be sure to have fun at their expense... "You know that Eli was traded last year?"

Either way, for the second time in the season, REAL Jets fans and REAL Giants fans have their goals aligned: end New England's perfect season. Good luck, Giants, and while you're at it, would you please shove that air cast up Tom Brady's ass for me. Thanks.

Web Gems: Knicks fan has license to vent against James Dolan

2008-01-22T23:37:00.000-05:00

Web Gems: The 'Downfall' of the Cowboys

2008-01-19T03:14:00.000-05:00

I know, I know, another Giants-Cowboys video. But what can I do? Mario Castelli only gets them from the Giants board. Still funny though.

Forget Reinstatement, Pacman should be excecuted

2008-01-17T02:59:00.001-05:00

I learned when I was three not to hit girls. I also learned at an age three not to repeat mistakes, especially when you get in trouble for it. Adam 'Pacman' Jones's maturation still has not reached this point in his 24 years of life. For a guy who wore a t-shirt of his dead grandmother on draft day, you'd think he would put more effort into making her proud.

There's absolutely no defending Jones. I can imagine his lawyer getting chronic carpal tunnel while scouring all of his law books for the next loophole. Let's see this lawyer turn this case of this woman who gets hit for stealing his money in a strip club into a parking ticket... because you know it's going to happen. Seriously, he's been in trouble with the law seven times on quick Wikipede. (I'm going to make that a word.)

To quote Family Guy:

Judge: In fact, If I could, I would put you in a place where you would be removed from the general public. Perhaps locked in a big, secure building with other dangerous people for a pre-determined period of time, based on the nature and degree of your offense. Unfortunately, as far as I know, no such place exists. So, I have no choice but to set you free.

No joke, this seems to be the deal for Jones. Hitting a woman was unforgivable the first time. What about the next four? How many times do you have to be told to stay out of strip clubs? And when you do decide to go back to said strip clubs, why would you "Make it rain" just to yet again Indian-give 'The Rain' like a storm drain? Why? Because people like Pacman never learn anything. He is unfixable. He cannot be rehabilitated.

People like him should be removed from society all together. People like him shouldn't make money and shouldn't be given second chances. People like him shouldn't be given high-priced lawyers so he could do this over and over again. This guy shouldn't be allowed back in the NFL. Heck, he shouldn't be allowed to bag groceries at a dollar store.

This is such a one-sided arguement. I can't imagine any explanation. I'm just waiting for Al Sharpton to butt his awkward Star Jones-like body into this situation to portray Jones as a victim. Please do, Mr. Sharpton, as you will continue to lose whatever credibility you have left. Go worry about bigger issues like how the white female golf analyst accidentally and jokingly offended 1/38th of Tiger Woods.

This isn't a race issue. This has nothing to do with being black. This has nothing to do with him being a football player. This has to do with an idiot who is addicted to committing felonies and getting away with it because he has the means to do so. And it makes me sick. So forget about making a living, this guy shouldn't be allowed to live.

And oh yeah. He wasn't that good of a football player either.

Steroids: An American Issue

2008-01-16T14:54:00.000-05:00

What kind of message is Congress sending in an election year? Is it that they are as eager to get out of this war as the rest of the American people? No. Perhaps it is the dwindling education levels of our children in the public school system, which has been bottom-feeding for decades? No. While American voters are heavily weighing candidates for the election in November, praying that these people might finally spark our economy back to life, Congress is holding meetings to determine whether Miguel Tejada, Roger Clemens, and Andy Pettitte ever used performance enhancing drugs.

Don’t get me wrong; this is a very important issue. What, with murder rates higher than they’ve ever been; and with a higher percentage of the population in prison than any other country, where up to five people will be living in a cell built for two. The facts are simple. Our country is falling apart and we are at a time where we are looking to our leaders to guide us into the next electoral term.

Now is the time to, at least, tell us you have some sort of concept of change ahead. But with the several meetings between Congress, Sen. George Mitchell, and Roger Clemens, I can only deduce that our political system, as Chris Rock once said, “Is not trying to catch Osama Bin Laden, [they are] trying to catch Barry Bonds.” Millions of taxpayer dollars are now being poured into an effort to turn around a private enterprise.

Surely, Major League Baseball has a pretty good handle on things. Last I checked, when people buy season tickets for Fenway Park, they don’t wear Romney caps, or wave Kerry flags in the stands. This is about doing what’s right for the league and for the fans, and it is not up to Congress to determine what is best. Rather, Congress should be enforcing legal practices to prevent drug use in our public schools, or perhaps investing those extra millions of dollars into public works projects that can get our economy out of the gutter.

How’s that deficit coming along?

I am not a politician. I am not a baseball player. I am a fan of professional sports. It does bother me to see these names: Brian Roberts, Miguel Tejada, Andy Pettitte, Roger Clemens, etc. sitting on a 311-page document by Sen. Mitchell. However, I do agree with Joe Torre, who pointed out how all of the people listed were given by the same two people. I also give a lot of credit to Rusty Hardin, the Texas lawyer picked up by Clemens, who pointed out that McNamee was under a great deal of pressure and facing prison time. He needed to give up big names to get big results for his testimony. Mitchell also stated before Congress yesterday that “McNamee had an overwhelming incentive to tell the truth.”

Overwhelming incentive. That sounds like something might have pushed him over the edge.
I cannot claim to know whether or not Clemens did it; or any other player for that matter. But what I do know is that Major League Baseball, its owners and organizations, is amongst the highest profiting industries in this country. Congress has much bigger fish to fry. It’s time for them to stop butting in on Major League Baseball and think about what the American people really want to know.

How about that health care system?

Originally submitted at ChewThemOut.com by Andrew Keating

Indigestion - 1/15/08

2008-01-15T00:21:00.000-05:00

Glen Rice is the latest former athlete to join the likes of Mixed Martial Arts. Unfortunately for Rice, the guy hiding in his wife's closet was unaware that he too was in the fight.

Knicks guard Jamal Crawford has now hit 35 consecutive free-throws, four off the franchise record. More impressive, however is his streak of 3806 consecutive bad shots.

Reports say that the Atlanta Falcons and USC Coach Pete Carroll were in discussions about the coaching vacancy in Atlanta. Carroll's recommendation: Keep it vacant.
Michael Vick could have his sentenced lessened after enrolling in a drug treatment program in prison. Upon learning this, OJ Simpson starting doing crack cocaine, LSD and psychedelic mushrooms.
The Jaguars website now has an asterisk on all its loss to the Patriots. They are planning on traveling to San Diego next week.
Reports said that the New York Mets had a deal in place which would have landed prized left-hander Johan Santana. However Omar Minaya said the deal fell through when Minaya's mother accidentally hit the power cord of his XBOX360 with the vacuum before he could save it.
The Toronto Blue Jays and St. Louis Cardinals are close to a deal in which they would exchange Troy Glaus for Scott Rolen. Holding the deal back, however, is both teams' reluctance to trade their oft-injured star third baseman with steroid accusations for an oft-injured star third baseman with steroid accusations.
Joakim Noah was benched an extra game by teammates for a confrontation with assistant coach Ron Adams in practice. Noah was apparently set off when Adams called him a "nappy-headed ho."
Amputee sprinter, Oscar Pistorius was ruled ineligible for the Beijing Olympics after it was ruled that he had an unfair advantage over competitors. This ruling comes as a huge victory to the group who filed the complaint; Marion Jones, Tim Montgomery, Floyd Landis and Barry Bonds.
Arkansas running back Darren McFadden, runner-up for the Heisman two years in a row, declared for the draft as expected. Unfortunately, McFadden declared for the wrong draft and is now in Iraq.
Los Angeles Lakers center Andrew Bynum is expected to miss eight weeks with a "temporarily dislocated kneecap." Perhaps not so coincidental, Nickelodeon announced an eight week Spongebob marathon a day prior.
Following the Giants stunning victory over the Cowboys, the Knicks followed suit with a blowout win against the Detroit Pistons. The Pistons were held to less than 31% shooting while scoring only 65 points. In related news, the Devil is in serious but stable condition after acquiring pneumonia from the freezing temperatures in hell.

Web Gems: What REALLY Happened With Tony Romo vs. The New York Giants

2008-01-15T00:16:00.001-05:00

Web Gems: Coors Light Terrell Owens Commercial

2008-01-14T16:22:00.000-05:00

Toon Them Out: Steroids

2008-01-11T23:42:00.001-05:00

Amputee has an unfair advantage?

2008-01-10T14:50:00.000-05:00

Unfair advantage? Those words might be a little unfamiliar with double-amputee South African sprinter Oscar Pistorius, so you might need to elaborate. Born without both fibulas, "The Blade Runner" quickly rose to fame when he broke sprinting records at the 2004 Paralympic Games in Athens.

Next on his plate: The 2008 Beijing "Able-Bodied" Olympics.

Not so fast. The International Association of Athletics Federation is expected to rule on Saturday that Pistorius has a competitive edge over his opponents after extensive testing.

Extensive testing? Did he do EPO? The cream and the clear? Did he break a homerun record?

Firstly, if this guy was in the US, his personal best 46.9 400m race falls about two full seconds short of any qualifying time. Qualifying! In other countries, that may qualify him as an alternate on a relay. That's all.

So let's be honest. Even with his "unfair advantage," he's not setting any world records. He's not going to win any medals. So what's the point of all this testing? Isn't the idea of this whole thing to make a feel-good story about a guy who had to clear so many hurdles along the way? Good press? I mean I recall Iraqi children running in the last Olympics in t-shirts and shorts, competing against World Class Athletes. They got a standing ovation, and it wasn't like the pity claps the fat kid in high school gets. They were applauded for being courageous.

What kind of message does this send? Does that mean that if they actually ran a good time they possibly would not have even been there? You made the exception for them, now why not this? What, he's too good?

Give him a break. You don't have to count it. Just let him run -- something that he wouldn't be able to do without that "unfair advantage."

Pete Carroll to leave USC for the Falcons?

2008-01-10T02:33:00.001-05:00

The big news of the day is Pete Carroll has expressed interest in the Atlanta Falcons Head Coaching job, which immediately brings up a smack in the face and the question: Why?

Well obviously it is every coach's dream to coach at that highest level, and in this case, the NFL. But the Atlanta Falcons? I'm 83% certain the USC Trojans can beat the Falcons in a game, never mind compete with them. I mean how many 1st Round talents are there in Atlanta? Three?

So on first look, why in the blue hell would this job be attractive?

Maybe it's because this is one of the few NFL jobs that have "play God" in the job description. Our boy Petey would have complete control over the personnel decisions, just like he would in sunny Southern Cal. But is that what he really, truly wants?

Sure, in principle, that's what anybody would want. With a stroke of a pen, he could get guys perfect for his system and weed out everybody else. All questions would end with him, and there would only himself to second guess. But reality check: This isn't USC anymore. Sure the girls look the same but Matt Leinart and Carson Palmer aren't at the helm of your offense. If you want one of them, you need to draft them or sign them. It's not as easy as giving them a car or having one of the cheerleaders show them a "good time." And until that time, Joey Harrington is your best option at quarterback. Still excited?

The point is that there is a reason why they don't give coaches full control at this level. The NFL is a business, and from what I know about businesses, it's a heck of a lot harder to micro-manage than to hire somebody else to do it if for no reason but to have a fall back. Hire somebody. Anybody, really. Hey, if that new QB doesn't work out, you'll have a scapegoat and at the very least, it'll keep you around for a couple of years. Even if it was your pick. They wouldn't have to know.

Look at all the other college coaches. Look at the very job he's interested in taking. Look at recent history, look at all those coaches that have risen and fallen back into the SEC... cough. Not that Pete Carroll's just any coach, but geez, these Falcons' best example of teamwork was coordinating matching band-aids for their incarcerated former quarterback.

So with all this said, should Pete Carroll take the Atlanta job? The answer is about as complicated as Tiger Woods' ethnicity. His ego may want this fixer-upper just so that he can build on his legacy. His heart may remain with those 56 running backs in Southern Cal. His head should be just recovering about now after being blinded by the national spotlight. God knows he won't get much down there. This job may be everything that Pete Carroll wants, and yet everything he doesn't need. It's like that song.

It's not that USC is the better job, even though it is. It's that Atlanta is the worst job. If you asked me, I'd ask elsewhere.

Web Gems: A Night at the Starbury

2008-01-09T03:19:00.000-05:00

Toon Them Out: If Clemens did steroids...

2008-01-08T18:00:00.000-05:00

"If he's doing that to me, I should have a third ear coming out of my forehead. I'd be pulling tractors with my teeth." - Roger Clemens

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NFL Playoff Predictions

2008-01-08T07:12:00.001-05:00

NFC

Let’s start with the inferior conference, playing for the right to lose in the Super Bowl…

Giants at Cowboys

The Giants have a superior pass rush, passable linebackers and no secondary, defense-wise. Offensively, they have several running backs that all run in different styles and a good run-blocking, and Eli Manning, whose inconsistency is reaching legendary status (and is quite overblown, but that comes with playing in New York). The Cowboys have a defense that either makes big plays or gives them up, and an offense that can be explosive, but really needs T.O. to be any good. So really, the two most important players in this game are Eli Manning and T.O. If Eli Manning plays like he did last week, the Giants have a shot. If T.O. plays, the Cowboys should win regardless. Prediction: Cowboys 31, Giants 24

Seahawks at Packers

Mike Holmgren may be coaching his final season, and wouldn’t it be so appropriate for it to end in the same place where he made a name for himself? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Nostalgia is overrated. Both teams have good defenses that make plays and don’t give many plays up, neither team has much of a running game and both offenses rely heavily on their passing attacks. If this game were being played in a dome, you could be looking at an interesting game. As it is, at Lambeau Field, this game will probably be a defensive struggle. Brett Favre likes to throw the ball into coverage, but Shaun Alexander is seemingly incapable of running. I’ll take Ryan Grant (who would have said that before this season?). Prediction: Packers 13, Seahawks 10

AFC

These two games will decide who plays in the REAL Super Bowl (The AFC Conference Title Game)…

Chargers at Colts

The Titans were a very good team. Still, I would feel a lot better about the Chargers is they could, I don’t know, score some points in the first half? You can afford to not score against the Titans; the Colts have a much better defense (the stingiest in terms of points allowed) and an even better offense (you know, that guy Peyton Manning is kind of good. I think I saw him on a few commercials…). People will point to the last time they played. Let me put it like this: Peyton Manning threw 6 interceptions and The Greatest Clutch Kicker Ever missed two field goals, including a 29-yard game winner. Oh yeah, they only lost by two points. I don’t buy that the Chargers are for real and Norv Turner still can’t coach. Tony Dungy, on the other hand, can coach. And Peyton Manning is the best offensive coordinator in the game. The Colts are the only team capable of beating the Patriots. Prediction: Colts 35, Chargers 21

Jaguars at Patriots

I really don’t like the Patriots. Tom Brady may be the luckiest man in the entirety of human history (except for maybe Bill Gates), and seeing the Patriots lose after going 16-0 in the regular season would make me laugh. Unfortunately, the Patriots don’t lose in the playoffs, Bill Belichick is 13-3 in the postseason and Tom Brady is 12-2. Maybe in a severe snowstorm the Jaguars have a chance; unfortunately, the weather should be decent, and that severely decreases the Jaguar’s chances. To make it simple, if the game is on the line, who would you rather have: Tom Brady or David Garrard? The Patriots will stack the box against the Jaguars and dare Garrard to beat them, and in his first playoff game and against a smart, experienced, team that feasts on mistakes and makes few mistakes of their own, I don’t see Garrard as having a chance. The Jaguars don’t play well from behind, and the Patriots will seek to stop their running game and get quick points on the board, forcing David Garrard to put the ball in the air. Prediction: Patriots 38, Jaguars 21

Web Gems: Peyton Manning and the United Way

2008-01-07T01:13:00.000-05:00

Check out this hysterical Peyton Manning commercial.

Web Gems: You do the work!

2008-01-06T22:29:00.000-05:00

Think of the best caption for this picture and win a free ChewThemOut.com bottle opener keychain! Comment away! Be sure to leave your e-mail address with your post so we know where to send your prize!

Picture originally posted at: http://www.top10kid.com/?p=27

ChewThemOut Indigestion 1/5/08

2008-01-05T20:37:00.002-05:00

Heres the news of the week through the eyes of our very own Anchormen...

Tom Brady was named NFL MVP almost unanimously. Tom Brady was also unanimously the recipient of the "Everything you could possibly want or have" Award, beating out Derek Jeter and Jay-Z.

Jose Canseco reached a deal with his publisher to write a sequel to his book, 'Juiced'. Despite co-authoring several chapters, Roger Clemens has denied the book was being published.

With one year remaining on his contract, JP Losman has announced that he wants out of Buffalo. Buffalo quickly declined as they said having a player like JP Losman goes along with their strategy of being a remarkably average team.

Martina Hingis was banned from tennis for two years Friday after testing positive for cocaine at Wimbledon earlier this year. Hingis stated, "I never knowingly took cocaine. I think it was tainted Vitamin B-12 powder that Miguel Tejada gave me."

Bill Parcells fired Miami head coach Cam Cameron after a 1-15 season. James Dolan, owner of the Knicks, was quoted as saying, "You can do that?"

Speaking of those Knicks, boxer, Roy Jones Jr. practiced with the team earlier this week. After a mediocre showing in practice, the 38-year-old was quickly signed to a 8-year, $120 million contract. Nate Robinson will fight in his stead against Felix Trinidad next Saturday.

The Oakland Athletics traded fan favorite Nick Swisher to the Chicago White Sox for 3 minor leaguers. The deal also included Oakland receiving cash considerations inexchange for any fan they had left.

The Pittsburgh Penguins beat the Buffalo Sabres 2-1 in the first professional outdoor game in the United States. Wouldn't that mean that homeless people could take commissions?

Scottie Pippen returned to action for the Torpan Pojat team in the Finnish Professional League. Pippen scored 9 points then quickly retired after admitting he thought it was the 'Finished league.'

Reports state that the New Jersey Nets will not move into Brooklyn until 2010 at the earliest. The Knicks however have volunteered to loan them Madison Square Garden as they attempt to win the next WNBA title.

Longtime Ravens Head Coach, Brian Billick was fired after the GM was told that Billick had "lost the team." Luckily, the team was later found hungry and scared atop a 20-foot tree.

Until next week, you stay classy San Diego...

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NFL Playoff Injury Report

2008-01-05T13:40:00.001-05:00

NEW YORK (AP) -- The updated National Football League injury report, as provided by the league:

Saturday

WASHINGTON REDSKINS at SEATTLE SEAHAWKS -- Redskins: OUT: QB Jason Campbell (dislocated knee or as Shaun Livingston calls it, "No big deal". Or as Todd Collins calls it, "Excellent."); QUESTIONABLE: WR James Thrash (ankle); WR Santana Moss (Circumcision) . Seahawks: QUESTIONABLE: WR Deion Branch (calf) just so that Seattle can justify having too many good receivers; PROBABLE: RB Shaun Alexander (wrist, Doubtful: career), LB Niko Koutouvides (knee).

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS at PITTSBURGH STEELERS -- Jaguars: OUT: LB Mike Peterson (hand), RB LaBrandon Toefield (ankle); PROBABLE: CB Aaron Glenn (ankle), DT Grady Jackson (knee), S Reggie Nelson (thigh). Steelers: OUT: T Marvel Smith (back), RB Willie Parker, Any Chance; QUESTIONABLE: S Troy Polamalu (knee, choice of hairstyle), CB Allen Rossum (hamstring); PROBABLE: CB Bryant McFadden (ankle), WR Willie Reid (shoulder), CB Deshea Townsend (foot), WR Hines Ward (knee).

Sunday

Side Note: I wonder if Tiki gave Ronde any tips for this game.

NEW YORK GIANTS at TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS -- Giants: DOUBTFUL: CB Sam Madison (stomach) He got dizzy after watching Randy Moss for a whole game, C Shaun O'Hara (knee), another gem from Eli; QUESTIONABLE: CB Kevin Dockery (hip), LB Kawika Mitchell (knee), DE Dave Tollefson (concussion); PROBABLE: RB Ahmad Bradshaw (calf), WR Plaxico Burress (ankle) but when is he not?, TE Michael Matthews (illness), WR Sinorice Moss (back) I actually got excited when I misread Sinorice Moss is back. Buccaneers: DOUBTFUL: LB Cato June (foot); QUESTIONABLE: G Arron Sears (ankle).

TENNESSEE TITANS at SAN DIEGO CHARGERS -- Titans: OUT: The Titans' only good WR Roydell Williams (ankle); DOUBTFUL: C Kevin Mawae (is a calf), G Benji Olson (back); QUESTIONABLE: RB LenDale White (knee which is fatigued from having to hold up Lendale White for over 20 years), QB Vince Young (quadricep) Titans Best Hope: He just wins game from sideline; PROBABLE: RB Chris Brown (back), DT Albert "I am the whole defense" Haynesworth (hamstring). Chargers: DOUBTFUL: RB Lorenzo Neal (fibula); QUESTIONABLE: LB Marques Harris (hand); PROBABLE: K Nate Kaeding (left fibula, vagina) Come on! You're the kicker.

Updated on Saturday, Jan 5, 2008 7:21 am, EST

Michael Jordan Fake Retirement Tape

2008-01-05T07:47:00.000-05:00

Web Gems: Brock Lesnar's questionable tattoo

2008-01-05T00:48:00.000-05:00

and he doesn't look to happy about it... for some it's old news but for those who didn't... it's great! It's supposed to be a sword apparently... with veins and a mushroom head....

Fire Isiah?

2008-01-04T03:24:00.001-05:00

"Fire Isiah!" has been more popular than the wave in New York arenas lately, but to be honest, that really doesn't even have a good ring to it. "Fire Thomas" is so much easier to chant.

But it's not as if New Yorkers ever made it easy anyway. Joe Torre, for example, the most successful manager in baseball for the last decade and a half got the ax after never missing the playoffs. Or what about Patrick Ewing, who despite being the offensive and defensive leader of 15 years of championship contenders, will forever be considered a loser.

New York is just used to everything coming so convenient. You pay for your burger, you get it in five minutes. You want a taxi, you just whistle. You want to pay a bill? Just go online. But it just doesn't happen like that all the time. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of New Yorkers. I'm sorry, but sports dynasties don't just happen. In fact they're about as rare as a problem-free Spears. Just because we may be in the midst of a virtual Boston kimura on all mainstream sports doesn't mean that NY is owed anything. And no, us New Yorkers aren't any more deserving than the people in Minnesota, no matter how much they want to tank.

In the past week I have seriously been asked the "Do you think Isiah should be fired?" question about 10 times. I'm a real Knicks fan. What do you expect me to say?

Isiah Thomas inherited a crappy situation and hate it or not, he made it better. As much as you like to reminisce about the Knicks of '94 and the Knicks of '99 you have to remember that Charles Oakley left a long time ago. And about the teams from 2001 on?

A friend once told me that these Knicks are just as bad or worse than the team pre-Isiah. Oh, really? The starting lineup of Charlie Ward, Allan Houston, Keith Van Horn, Kurt Thomas and Dikembe Mutombo. Within two years, 3/5 of that starting lineup was out of the league. But since they were lovable losers means they get a free pass? I remember I couldn't even upgrade that team in NBA 2K4, never mind in real life.

Yet Isiah took that situation, traded for draft picks and acquired a young team. Yeah, maybe Stephon's not the leader we thought he would be. But next year his expiring contract should be enticing enough for some team to trade for before he rides off, discount sneakers and all, into the Italian sunset. But other than that do you realize Eddy Curry is only 25? Zach Randolph is only 26. And lest we forget our 23-year-old budding star, David Lee. In fact, you could make a list of players Isiah discovered longer than Chris Bosh's neck. It's really not as bad as they make you believe on whichever New York tabloid you found on the subway.

The laughing stock of the NBA? Oh please... How different is this team from Minnesota? Or Seattle? Or the Bobcats? Or the Hawks? Are we so ignorant to see that even New Jersey, Indiana and Miami aren't the perennial powerhouses of the past and have slowly but surely spiraled down the tubes faster than last night's Chinese? I know I see it.

But it is this unwarranted pressure the New York media and fans put on these teams that kills their confidence and ultimately makes bad situations worse. This unwarranted pressure almost drove the MLB MVP, Alex Rodriguez packing for Anaheim. This unwarranted pressure forced Scott Layden's hand as he traded Patrick Ewing for 17 long-term contracts that we are still dealing with. This unwarranted pressure is keeping these very Knicks from performing or rallying since any support is drowned out by the boos that rain down as soon as they are down more than two points. This unwarranted pressure is the reason why we are about to kick out one of the best players and talent evaluators of our era because we haven't won a championship every year.

What has Isiah done any worse than the last seven years of predecessors? The only difference I noticed is that he assembled a team that had a fallback... In case of fire(sale) break glass and pull handle. Unlike the virtually untradable good guys we had in the Kurt Thomas era, we now have talented tradable assets.

I've heard "since Patrick Ewing" so many times I'd swear they had a quota. Marcus Camby: The best defensive Knick since Patrick Ewing; Antonio McDyess: the best post up player since Patrick Ewing; Michael Sweetney: The first Georgetown big man drafted since Patrick Ewing... and so on. Well, guess what, New York. Patrick Ewing isn't walking back through those doors. You made sure of that.

Fire Isiah, New York? How about you fire yourselves.

Web Gems: Frank Caliendo does Jim Rome

2008-01-04T00:45:00.000-05:00

The NBA's Best Big Man?

2008-01-01T16:33:00.000-05:00

You would have thought I said who's now when people see this picture. Big Dwight Howard... the freak... the Manchild. Call him what you will. Just don't be so quick to call him the premier big man in the game because I'm sorry, he's not.

Before you sentence me to stoning with boulders via Dwight Howard, understand what I am trying to say here. I have seen him live. His athleticism for his size is remarkable. His rebounding skills are uncanny. Yes, his shoulders look like youth-sized basketballs. Yes, I know he's scoring 23 ppg right now. But he's not the best big man in the game. I argue that he's not even the best young big man. That honor would go to another freak, Amare Stoudemire.

Dwight simply doesn't have the offensive repertoir to justify that standing as the league's premier big body. I'm sorry but when 80% of his baskets come from his own offensive rebounding and 19% come from alley-oops, there's really little to show. He's more like a big-time 'garbage player.' But when it comes to establishing position or gaining an advantage through footwork Dwight finishes miles behind David Lee, never mind Amare Stoudemire... or Carlos Boozer, or Elton Brand, or Kevin Garnett, or Al Jefferson etc... etc.

You may not see that as a bad thing, and in most cases it's not. I mean, yes, he sure would look nice next to Eddy Curry. But with the clock winding down at the end of the game, who do the Magic look for? Are you putting the ball in his hands 1 on 1? I know I wouldn't. And I don't think they would have overpaid Rashard Lewis that much if he could.

Howard is often compared to another recent Basketball Adonis, David Robinson. But even David Robinson didn't win anything until he got Tim Duncan. Here's a picture so you don't forget what he looks like. Oh, I guess you forgot about him. Didn't he JUST win the NBA championship? Did he fall out of his prime that fast? Or are we just enamored by the flashy (yet still amazing) ESPN highlights we're bombarded with on a nightly basis.

Duncan isn't the only oversight. Just as quietly as Tim Duncan's dominated the West, Chris Bosh is quietly doing the similar things in the East. Well, yes, maybe to a much lesser extent, but 22 and 10 shouldn't be ignored. And if you're so quick to point out field goal percentage then have fun explaining to me how Tyson Chandler is a better scorer than Elton Brand.

I am sick and tired of hearing all this hoopla about potential. Potential is the reason why Kwame Brown was taken #1. Potential is why Tim Thomas is still collecting game checks. Potential is why the Knicks, my Knicks, are sitting in last place in the Atlantic Division, the cellar of the NBA. The problem I see with Howard is that he is attaining all of these accolades now, and he will not become the player he could potentially become.

As for now, let's just call a spade a spade. He's an NBA All-Star center. Tell Wilt his standing in history is just fine... for now.

Short shorts come up short

2007-12-31T12:23:00.000-05:00

Despite playing in their boxers, the Lakers still lost 110-90 on Sunday. Actually, it was retro night at the Staples Center and the Lakers sported the ol' Stocktons for a half. To fake quote Kobe Bryant, "The short shorts didn't bother me at all. I actually liked them. No homo."

Giants-Pats Game Journal

2007-12-31T00:55:00.000-05:00

15:00 - Giants win toss. Eli Manning is instantly disappointed because he read that they’d only get three breaks the entire game and they wasted one on the coin toss.

1st Quarter

14:21 – Eli Manning throws a 52-yard completion to Plaxico Burress. Although disappointed that he overthrew Ellis Hobbs by 2-yards, he shows no change in emotion.

13:36 – Manning incomplete to Steve Smith. The Giants challenge. They thought he was the Panthers receiver.

11:10 – Eli passes to Brandon Jacobs for a 7-yard touchdown. Giants 6, Patriots 0. Eli assumes it was incomplete and stays on for the extra point. Confused, he kicks the field goal anyway much to the dismay of regular kicker Lawrence Tynes who had been betting against the Giants all season. NYG 7, NE 0.

10:52 – Brady steps onto field for his first game action. Scorekeeper accidentally tallies on a TD by habit. NYG 7, NE 7. The scorekeeper is immediately fired then hired by the Patriots as cameraman. Disgraced NBA ref, Tim Donaghy takes over game-fixing duties.

9:04 – Tom Brady is incomplete to Ben Watson only because if he didn’t, everybody would know he was a machine.

5:24 – Gostkowski kicks 37-yard field goal after a six minute explanation of what a field goal was. NYG 7, NE 3.

3:48 – First Giants three and out of the game. Punter Jeff Feagles celebrates the longest he’s had to stay out of the game in a Giants uniform. He punts to Wes Welker who takes a knee after he finds out that return yards don’t count in Fantasy Football, so it won’t hurt Jason Paderon’s team.

2:51 – Tom Brady is sacked by newly-signed Giants linebacker Bridget Moynahan. Brady has nostalgic moment of his first Peewee Football Game - the last time he was sacked. Not knowing how to react, referee Tim Donaghy, decides to penalize Corey Webster for illegal contact with Tom Brady's flashbacks and the sack is negated.

2nd Quarter

15:00 - Brady TD pass to Randy Moss. Extra point good. NYG 7, NE 10. Randy Moss spits in humble pie and serves it to a hungry Reuben Droughns.

14:30 – Domenik Hixon, the guy who hit Kevin Everett, temporarily paralyzes the Patriots undefeated season by returning the ensuing kickoff for a touchdown. (Well sorry, but I had to put that in.) Eli Manning throws ball across the field to Tedy Bruschi out of force of habit. NYG 14, NE 10.

10:07 – Brady completes 67th pass of the game to Wes Welker. Welker precedes to trade himself to whomever Jason Paderon’s fantasy team is playing, then kicks the extra point. NYG 14, NE 13.

7:50 – Giants three and out. Feagles punts into end zone.

2:04 – Gostkowski 37 yard field goal is good. NYG 14, NE 16.

1:54 – Eli Manning passes short to the sure-handed veteran, Amani Toomer. Unluckily for the Giants, three weeks ago Amani was replaced with his identical evil twin, Ronde, who drops the pass.

0:18 – Eli 3-yard TD pass to Kevin Boss. NYG 21, NE 16.

End of half. Eli Manning calls brother Peyton and asks how to not blow the game. Peyton replies, "Hand off to Jacobs." Eli misses message as Archie Manning comes in locker room to spank Eli for sneaking cookies before dinner.

3rd Quarter

15:00 – Angry Giants fans riot outside building. They want their tickets back and claim to have the REAL Eli Manning held hostage.

13:34 – Patriots three and out for the first time in the season. Chis Hanson, host of "To Catch a Predator", discovers he is the punter and punts the ball like the dirty pedofile it is.

9:22 – Eli manning 19-yard TD pass to Plaxico Burress. NYG 28, NE 16. Even Eli appears to show a surprised face although it is later discovered to be a “Tummy ache” from all the cookies.

4:06 – Lawrence Maroney runs for a 6-yard TD after every Giants player, coach, and equipment manager covers Randy Moss’s fade route. NYG 28, NE 23. Tom Coughlin ponders whether or not THIS was the time to pull his starting quarterback from the game.

0:37 – Peyton calls Eli to make sure he got the message that he should hand off the ball to Jacobs for the rest of the game. Eli responds by throwing five of the next six, stopping the clock before Jeff Feagles punts. Referee Tim Donaghy is shown taking candy from a baby.

4th Quarter

12:55 – Chris Hanson prays to Tom Brady, asking to let him punt again. Brady grants his wish.

12:46 – Eli hands off to the RB, Invisible Man. Eli recovers the fumble after tripping over his shoe laces.

11:42 – Feagles punts.

11:25 – Tom Brady throws 65-yard incomplete pass to single-covered Randy Moss.

11:15 – Giants coaches pop open champagne in celebration; unaware that the game continued. Meanwhile Tom Brady throws exact same pass to an open Randy Moss for record breaking touchdown. Happiness ensues on both sidelines until the Giants realize that they’re losing again. NYG 28, NE 31.

11:00 – Hixon returns the kick and is pushed out of bounds at the NY 38. Ronde Toomer watches the Patriots’ Brandon Meriweather trip and fall in front of him. Referee Tim Donaghy, fresh from eating some Humble Pie in front of the last episode of Seinfeld calls a 15-yard “Good Samaritan" Penalty.

9:59 – Eli Manning gets picked for the first time by Ellis Hobbs after overthrowing Plaxico Burress. Eli is unhappy but not because he was intercepted but because he was picked last yet again. He stomps his feet as he walks off the field.

4:46 – Lawrence Maroney continues to piss off everybody who drafted him in the 1st round of Fantasy Football drafts by scoring his second TD of the day in a game that means absolutely nothing to Fantasy. NYG 28, NE 38.

4:18 - Manning goes into no-huddle offense in which he thrives. Unfortunately for the Giants, he memorized the “Kill clock” playbook by mistake.

1:08 - Eli completes TD pass to Burress. NYG 35, NE 38.

1:08 – Lawrence Tynes lets out an evil laugh before kicking the onside kick gently into Mike Vrabel’s waiting arms, ending the game.

The Jets' Future

2007-12-30T00:54:00.000-05:00

I am a Jets fan, and this season has been miserable. But to be honest, it was expected. Last season, they were a team devoid of any real talent that far and away exceeded expectations; the fact that they even made the playoffs was a pleasant surprise.

I still believe Mangini is one of the best coaches in the league, even if he is a snitch, and if the Jets get a much-needed infusion of talent, they could be competitive (screw the Patriots, they don’t count).

All this said, what do I believe the Jets need? Help on the lines. The Jets’ two biggest weaknesses are their offensive and defensive lines. The LAST thing the Jets need is Darren McFadden. I am sick of people who believe he should be drafted.

Look at the fall of Shaun Alexander, Larry Johnson and Reggie Bush, among others. Due to the slotting system, the Jets would have to invest $35 million dollars and five years on Darren McFadden, give or take. Let the Patriots take him, who cares? Running backs get abused, and are oft-injured. Now yes, LT and AD are two talents that give one pause, but let’s consider: they run behind fantastic offensive lines, and one can not discount the importance of that. Plus, between the Raiders, Packers and Buccaneers all showed that quality running backs are findable.

Now, I am not taking away anything from running backs, but the franchise tag price of running backs is FALLING as salaries in general increase. What does this indicate? That GMs are realizing, slowly, that while the skill position players get all the press, they don’t win all the games. You know why Peyton Manning and Tom Brady continue to dominate? Because it is a lot easier to throw a ball when you aren’t on your back, just ask David Carr (okay, bad example. He sucks anyway). Ask Marc Bulger how important the offensive line is. The problem is the OL doesn’t sell; they have no real statistics and they are only noticed when they aren’t doing well.

If the Jets are smart, they will do everything possible to sign Alan Faneca, one of the best LGs in the league. The Steelers can not afford him and he has no interest in taking a “hometown discount” (an idiotic idea if I ever heard one, but that’s a complaint for another day), and so will hit free agency. The Jets need him. They have a young offensive line that could use a veteran presence to shore them up.

So if not Darren McFadden, whom should the Jets draft? Well, I don’t know college football well, but an impact DE would be ideal. The Jets’ pass rush is pathetic; they get no pressure unless they blitz, leaving them vulnerable to big plays. Also, the Jets rush defense was in the bottom portion of the league, and that needs to be changed. If teams can run all over you, you lose. The Jets biggest weakness on defense is that their defensive line doesn’t penetrate the line of scrimmage, giving quarterbacks and running backs room to find flaws in the defense and attack. Defensive line help is imperative to fixing this.

So Jets, DON’T draft McFadden. You were smart two years ago and bypassed Leinart, understanding then that you needed offensive line help. In fact, HOPE the Patriots take McFadden. Let them invest so much of their salary cap to an unnecessary player, maybe meaning they can’t resign some of their more valuable players. Take a DE.

The Patriots may be perfect, but that doesn't mean they're perfect

2007-12-29T23:14:00.001-05:00

Just because they had the perfect regular season doesn't mean we can't make fun of the way they look. During the game I just noticed a few similarities in likenesses...

Shrek and Junior Seau

Pat Patriot and Tedy Bruschi

Anybody else notice any similarities? E-Mail me at paderon@chewthemout.com and I'll put them up.

Web Gems: "The Nash"

2007-12-29T10:07:00.001-05:00

It really belongs in the Web Gems section on the right bar, but it really is too good to pass up. I love DrunkAthlete.com!

Could this upcoming Giants game be bigger than the Super Bowl?

2007-12-29T00:12:00.000-05:00

Never has a meaningless Week 16 Game meant so little, yet so much. Tomorrow's/today's (Whenever you're reading this) Giants-Pats tilt went from a battle of the backups to one in which its not even a question whether the starters will be out there. Which can only mean one of two things... the Giants organization either believes it has a chance or it doesn't want to get embarrassed on every channel from NBC, to ABC to Lifetime.

You may think to yourself, "Self, look at this. Just another New Yorker talking up his better than average team like its a Super Bowl contender." Well tell yourself that you couldn't be more wrong.

Aside from the fact that I am a Jets fan, it is besides the point. And as a Jets fan you know there is nothing I'd like more than another Boston milestone blocked by another New York team. Do I really believe its going to happen? No. Should the Giants be playing the starters? My answer is yes.

If you asked anybody last week if this game was even going to be remotely competitive after the Giants clinched a playoff berth they would say no. That was until the media stepped in. If the Colts-Pats in the regular season was the Pre-Super Bowl, this is the Post-Pre-Super Bowl. Or the Pre-Pre-Superbowl. Any way you cut it, it's as if the Giants are getting that playoff-like contender attitude and experience they would have never had otherwise.

And if they lose, they could very well go on and win the Super Bowl because of the atmosphere. Baby Eli finally his chance to shine or falter in the national spotlight. Giants fans will finally find out whether Eli is the Quarterback of the future or the Ryan Leaf of the past.

That being said, I would say that I'm about 80% sure the Patriots will win. I mean let's face it, as much as you Giants fans want to talk about how many times Osi and Strahan can pressure Brady, is he even the type to be affected? No. Never mind the fact that the Giants' themselves have their own problems, and not just the injuries. Their week-by-week gameplan seems to have more wrinkles than Junior Seau's face.

As much as I may hate it, all us Jets fans are Giants fans tomorrow and win or lose, let's just hope for a Brady season-ending injury. That's right.

Thank goodness for George Mitchell...

2007-12-28T03:28:00.000-05:00

For without him, I wouldn't know what to do with myself. Heck, I almost did steroids but now that I see what has happened, it might not be worth it. I'll just work hard and do things the right way.

Anybody who believed the previous is hereby banned from returning their stupidity to this website. We at ChewThemOut.com have enough problems. WE, in general, have enough problems. It's a good thing our government is taking out the time and money to assure us that every homerun hit will be the direct result of the weight lifting time gained from skipping classes in high school. You know, it's not like we're at war or anything.

After months and months of our tax dollars being poured into this 'revolutionary' investigation we see that the fruits of Mitchell's labor just happened to be, well exactly what happens when you eat fruit... crap. And did anybody else find it just a teeny (Barry Bonds') weeny bit suspicious that neither Mitchell's team (The Red Sox), nor the commish's team (The Brewers), nor the President's team (The Rangers) had no real superstars named? Not that Mitchell would omit anything, but perhaps he purposely didn't dig deep enough. Just a thought.

Oh what? You expected an in-depth report, delving into every user in a uniform? You expected Santa Mitchell to check his MVP list twice to see who had been naughty and nice? You expected ground-breaking stuff? OF COURSE YOU DID!

What did we get? A half-assed 6th-Grade level book report with two not-so-reliable sources, both in New York. I could have just read the Mitchell Report's first edition written by Jose Canseco.

So now we have maybe a quarter of estimated 'drug cheats' named, and even with not enough evidence to convict them in court, they've forever stamped the careers of 80 men with the Ecko Unlimited brand asterisk in the minds of fairweather sports fans everywhere.

And even those guys have either denied use or have only used once then stopped after all the guilt set in. What happened to the prolonged and excessive steroid abusers who's daily regimen's included taking more hormones in the butt than Richard Jefferson? (We hear the rumors RJ... we hear...)

Maybe that will be in the sequel.

Web Gems: Captions

2007-11-13T02:11:00.000-05:00

Don't forget to include your email addresses in the comments!

Web Gems: Caption Time Again!

2007-11-13T00:44:00.000-05:00

Think of the best caption for this picture and win a free ChewThemOut.com bottle opener keychain! Be sure to leave your e-mail address with your post so we know where to send your prize. Good luck!

The Playoff Picture through the Eyes of a Yankee fan

2007-09-21T02:28:00.000-04:00

Finally… Baseball has come back…. to ChewThemOut.com! ::Applause:: ::WWE lawsuit::

Somebody had to break up the football monotony. Well here it is...

Perhaps all you Yankee-hating brethren had written them off too early. And best of all as you watched the Yankees ascend towards the peak of the Major league standings, these same people are watching their own ‘insurmountable’ September leads shrink faster than Raphael Palmiero in the bedroom.

But let’s take a Bob Ross-like view of the playoff landscape, from the point of view of the Yankee fans. The exciting Brewers-Cubs race? We really don’t care. There are really just four teams the Yankees are worried about: The Red Sox, the Angels, The Mets and the Yankees.

The Red Sox

As it stands, the Red Sox and the Yankees are both in. And any Red Sox fan cannot feel too pleased about that. With Eric Gagne’s newfound horribility, Okajima’s fatigued arm, Manny’s being Manny and all the innings suddenly taking its effect on Dice-K’s arm, it would be safe to say all’s not well in Beantown. Hey you could hang your newly purchased faded hat on Josh Beckett and Mike Lowell but we both know it’s going to take more than that and Kevin Youkillis HBP’s to get past the Yankees.

The Yankees

And as for those Yankees, it’s funny that with the performance-enhanced lineup that the Yankees put out in the beginning of the season, that all you needed was a little Joba with Melky to make it potent. (Barry Bonds just took about 19 of those) Their enthusiasm has resurrected a once-dead clubhouse, and given the fair-weather Yankee-lovers something to watch other than A-Rod do his best impression of his MVP year with the Rangers. But even as good as the Yankees look, they still don’t want to face the Angels.

The Angels

Unless the Yanks were to surpass the Angels in the standings, it seems as if they’re headed for a round one collision with destiny against a team that’s always been their Kryptonite. With their three-headed monster of unheralded aces in Kelvim Escobar, John Lackey and Jared Weaver; compounded with a small-ball team and a glove-less batter who hits intentional walks for average its safe to say the other guys aren’t exactly jumping to play against them either. And if the playoff picture holds up, it seems as if this might be the team to beat.

The Mets

And as a New Yorker, I really do feel for you Mets fans. Not only do you cheer when Boston makes fun of New Yorkers, since you hate the Yankees more than you love yourselves, but your confidence is now shaken. Just when you thought you were on the cusp of goodness (let’s be real now), you realize that perhaps you were a little drunk when you took that hot supermodel home. I hold out hope, because the Mets are still the best team in the National League (as long as they don’t smell cheesesteak) and should have an express ticket for the World Series to play a vastly superior AL team. But hey, chances are the Yankees won’t be there. So I guess you’ll be happy first, and sad second.

Toon Them Out: Beckham to the US

2007-08-28T14:32:00.000-04:00

Originally posted at ChewThemOut.com by Lynsey Brandwein.

Kiss My Asterisk

2007-08-09T17:18:00.000-04:00

There's no more denying it. No hoping that his plaguing injuries of the past few years keep him from ever returning to the plate. No more wishing that his battle worn knees give out while he's patrolling left field. Hell, even your last ditch option of a disgruntled Dodgers fan taking one for the team via 12mm steel is nothing more than a sick, twisted fantasy.

With the media running rampant nowadays, it is often hard to determine the difference between the biased, agenda driven hype material presented as fact... and actual fact. Want hype? Tune in to your local sports station to hear how Barry Bonds: framed Michael Vick, spat on white people, was the mastermind behind 9/11, killed The OC's Marissa Cooper, and tested positive for steroids.

But the facts... and I suggest you Bonds haters get yourself a nice tall glass of water, because this pill might be hard to swallow: Barry Bonds is the 43 year old left-fielder for the San Francisco Giants. And, as of the time of this writing, he is as good of a home run hitter as any man in history.

Home runs seem to be everyone's obsession. Chicks dig the long ball, and writers like throwing steroid accusations at the guys who hit them. Stop your blind hatred for a minute and try to be objective. Who knows? Maybe then you'll realize that the man who just blasted the legendary Hank Aaron off of the Home Run Throne and into McCovey Cove like a belt-high fastball... the "steroid taking cheater"... the "self-absorbed asshole"... is so much more than a home run hitter.

Mark McGwire is a home run hitter. Sammy Sosa is a home run hitter. Mashers with .270 career batting averages. They strike out and pop up. They have the defensive prowess of Eddy Curry. Basically, when they're not knocking the ball out of the park, they're not helping their teams.

But Bonds? The man is a HITTER, period. Not a "power hitter". Not a "contact hitter." Placing him in any one of these groups is a huge injustice. He is Major League Baseball's walking buffet table.

You want power? Bonds hit 25+ home runs in fourteen different seasons -- including four times while wearing his anorexic Pittsburgh Pirate costume. He hit 40+ home runs in eight different seasons.

Forget power, though... lets say you need a baserunner. Well, there is NOBODY better than Bonds here. "Barroid" posted an on base percentage of .400+ in 17 of his 21 MLB seasons, including a "WTF" mind-numbing .609 in 2004.

But whatever, old ladies can draw walks. You want guys in scoring position? Just give Bonds the sign and watch him steal second. Yep, in addition to his absurd power numbers, the man was also one of the best base stealers of his time, racking up 25+ steals in 12 different seasons.

Need some defense? Eight Gold Gloves says that #25 measures up here as well.

So as we bicker back and forth about whether or not his accusations should taint his title as "Home Run King"... I think that it is a moot point. Because if I'm Barry Bonds, with a bag of tricks that would make Harry Houdini jealous, I would be offended by that title, which insinuates a one-dimensional player.

Has he taken steroids? Probably. Certainly, according to every washed up outfielder with a pressing need to sell books (Money management is overrated, huh?). I'm not going to play dumb here. But it's easy to throw accusations around. Even someone with a girly arm like Johnny Damon could toss those out there. Hell, we can be 99% sure that Bonds is a juicer. The majority of us are 99+% sure that OJ Simpson killed his wife... but no matter what we may think about it, the burden of proof is what it is. Until you show up with a urine sample saying otherwise, the only thing Bonds has ever tested positive for are amphetamines -- and you can ask Neifi Perez how much those help in hitting the ball out of the park.

Don't get me wrong...while I don't share it, I can understand the hatred for the man. I'm not a Bonds fan boy by any means. I think he is incredibly arrogant. I think he has a horrible attitude toward his fans. He refuses to bend to the media's wishes. As a person, he sucks. But, so what? Nobody is nominating the man for sainthood.

He's never going to be the face of a major corporation. He's never going to be a billion dollar clothing tycoon. He's never going to be a media darling. We have enough of those, very few of whom possess talent in even the same stratosphere as Bonds. They get the fat endorsement checks and the public adoration.

But Bonds? He doesn't want any of that. He wants his family, his privacy, and his legacy.

While he may suck hardcore as a celebrity, the man is a baseball player. One whose career is winding down. One who is soon to ride off into the sunset, away from the public eye that he's battled with for 22 years. In all likelihood, there are about two months left in the life of Barry Bonds: Baseball Player.

With his accomplishments forcing him into the forefront of the sports world, it is impossible to ignore him.

So, the decision is ours. We can either spend these last few months hating the MAN we hardly know (as much as we think we do)...

Or, we can spend them celebrating the career of the PLAYER who was the greatest of his time.

Originally posted at ChewThemOut.com by Mario Castelli

No-Brainers

2007-07-20T03:16:00.000-04:00

If anything was evident in the Vegas Summer league, it was that the Greg Odens and the Kevin Durants were not as ready for the NBA as the Lebrons or the Carmelos.

Say what you will about Durant’s so-called “scoring ability,” simple fact is that he was outplayed almost every time he stepped onto the court. And people were so worried about him getting pushed around by the bigger guys, but it was Renaldo Balkman’s stringy self that was trying Durant down.

What I saw out of Durant was a guy who pretty much looked like what he is: The younger kid who was too good and too big for the kids his age, so the powers-that-be moved him up to the big boys.

The problem is that unlike the college level, these guys are going to be just as athletic, just as tall, or both. And he’s always going to be skinnier, at least for the first couple years. He simply wasn’t ready for the jump.

Oden, on the other hand, had scouts drooling last year as if he was Jessica Biel in a bikini. But the problem is that he too was not ready. I remember hearing from a commentator, “If Greg Oden was in the NBA right now, he’d be on the all-defensive team.”

If the summer league was any indication, that commentator and the masses of his supporters can hold their horses.

Before Oden went and got his tonsils removed like a 8-year-old boy, he looked like an 8-year-old boy, be it a 7’0 260 lb, caveman-looking, 40-year-old, 8-year-old boy. But even he wasn’t ready.

The system is all screwed up. Kids like Oden, Durant, and next year, O.J. Mayo; they are all not ready for the limelight. But they are raised in an educational system where it really doesn’t matter if they pass English class; they have an NBA career ahead of them.

So what’s the point David Stern? What’s the point of waiting a year after High School or not waiting at all? These guys would think they were ready if the age requirement was lowered to sixth grade.

And for every LeBron, how many Kwame Browns are there who ruined their whole life thinking NBA stardom was ahead. Even worse, these guys expect it now. They expect to be stars as soon as they get there.

Then come the Renaldo Balkmans of the world to bring them back to earth, along with all the media that have been along for the ride in their rectal cavities.

I believe in the end this will be a mute point. I believe Durant and Oden will be NBA players. They just aren’t now. But David Stern has to stop pretending that a year of college will do anything for them.

If recent events have shown anything, a year of college can actually hurt your draft stock. Just ask this year’s 9th pick, Joakim Noah, who would have gone #1 last year.

The system is made so that even these uneducated morons can see that it’s really a no-brainer when it comes to staying in college and risking injury among other things, or taking lucrative offers from endorsement companies to promote their products. This is their life-long dream. And unready or not, it’s really not their problem. It’s the NBA and its sponsors.

So why are we acting like its about the education?

Toon Them Out: Yankees in Boston

2007-07-19T14:39:00.000-04:00

This off-season, like this article, probably doesn't even matter

2007-07-14T17:43:00.000-04:00

MLB.com has a fantasy game called Free Agent Frenzy this year; and certainly this year’s “hot stove” seems to be anything but. This off-season does show promise as being one of the biggest free agent markets in history, with the current Home Run King (Barry Bonds), and his potential successor (Alex Rodriguez) both up for bidding.

However, while the majority of writers seem to be frantic about calculating where each member of this star-studded free agency will land, this reporter intends to point out how little significance this year’s market will have on the upcoming season.

It is unfair for me to bias myself upon being a Red Sox fan, so I will do my best to stay neutral. Oh, wait. The Red Sox aren’t losing anybody. Wakefield, Schilling, and soon Mike Lowell, have already resigned with the franchise. The only other alternatives I see for Lowell are the Dodgers - who eat up every Red Sox free agent after a World Series run (see: Garciaparra, Lowe, and Mueller), or the Braves. I look at the Dodgers because I wonder about Nomar playing third base after jostling around the infield of Tinseltown for the past three years, playing short, first and third since his signing with Los Angeles. They could certainly use the bat, not to mention the PR.

The Atlanta Braves could have a stake in the Mike Lowell saga with the continuing uselessness of one Chipper Jones. While he has been a foundation of the team that spawned one of the greatest pitching trilogies in history (Maddux, Smoltz, Glavine), he has become highly injury-prone and often sluggish at the plate in the past two seasons. (It doesn’t take too much to win my metaphoric heart, but I think that if Jones could muster a full season with at least 130 games, it could happen.) It would not hurt Lowell to go to a team that has been willing to spend a little money these past few years in hopes to rebuild a team that once was abundantly triumphant.

While we’re talking about third basemen, we might as well discuss Alex Rodriguez. Oh wait, wasn’t he a shortstop? I think it’s fair to say that most of this country has failed to recognize the fact that A-Rod practically refused to move to third base at the end of the 2003 season, before signing with the Yankees. Only one team has even brought up the notion of A-Rod moving to a different position than third, and that was the Toledo Mud Hens in jest. Could it be possible that with a wide variety of talented third basemen on each of the teams that can afford Mr. Rodriguez, that he will find himself playing shortstop instead?

Let’s think about this: what teams can afford the overpriced Alex Rodriguez, and would consider paying him to bring them to at least a Division Series? I’ll give you a few: LA Dodgers, LA Angels, Boston Red Sox, New York Yankees, and Atlanta Braves. I will keep the analyses short, since I’m sure you’ve heard all the stories.

The Dodgers could use A-Rod because it could keep Nomar either comfortably at third, or move him back to shortstop. It would be much like the Jeter-Rodriguez combo that held the fort on that side of the infield in the Bronx, so long as Garciaparra can keep up his end of it. Also, with Torre, we know that A-Rod will get the backing of his manager when going into contract negotiations. The two know each other and may be interested in picking up where they left off in New York.

The Angels have denied that they want A-Rod, as they should. For some reason, a lot of people think this is a good fit, but I fail to recognize the need for A-Rod on a team with Vlad Guererro, Orlando Cabrera and Chone Figgins. Right there you have power, a shortstop and a third baseman, all with All-Star quality and the experience to get to the postseason.

I have already exhausted the need for a good third baseman in Atlanta, but their need is even greater at short, where A-Rod could easily take over for the much lesser players on the Braves depth chart. Currently the two players (Escobar and Orr) combine for 5 home runs and 30 RBIs last season. Anybody think the Braves should be reading this article?

The Boston Red Sox wanted a quality offensive shortstop last year and picked up the potential All-Star Julio Lugo and placed him at the top of their order. He provided the speed that Johnny Damon once gave them, but certainly not the batting average. Think that if they’re willing to spend as much money on him, that they might consider giving A-Rod something of a looksee at that position if he doesn’t resign with the Yankees and nobody else can pick up the outstanding bill he is asking for? And who knows? If Lowell moves, the Red Sox will have some extra money to spend on a third baseman, and GM Theo Epstein has already publicly shown interest.

We all know that the Yankees want A-Rod back. He and Joe Torre are the primary reason why the team made it to the playoffs at all last year. Since Steinbrenner couldn’t bring Torre back, they’ve focused on getting Rivera, Posada and most importantly, Rodriguez back in the line card. But can the Yankees afford a $100M contract for a player who chokes in the postseason?

Let’s now discuss the players that may have impact on the next season. Paul Lo Duca will probably be done with his career as a first-stringer, with the Mets looking at Yorvit Torrealba to take over behind the plate. It wouldn’t hurt Lo Duca to do what Mike Piazza did in this situation a few years ago: go to the AL and try for a designated hitter job.

Lo Duca’s move may also be that of Barry Bonds. In the midst of another good controversy, in which Bonds has refused to attend his own induction ceremony, so long as the marked home-run record-setting baseball is displayed in the Hall of Fame; Bond could use a steroid-free and controversy-free season to boost his PR with the sports writers of America. The best way to do that may be to sit on the bench and take a few swings every nine at-bats as a DH. Since the NL doesn’t have this option, it makes little sense for teams like the Giants to sign him. He’s grown old and weak around the bases, and perhaps he, like Roger Clemens, should just hang his hat and give it a rest. But so long as he doesn’t, teams like the White Sox, Blue Jays, and Athletics may be willing to give him a shot to prove himself as a hitter again, as they did for Thome, Thomas, and Piazza.

Schilling and Wakefield are already going to give a nice buffer to the Red Sox lineup, and with a very young team with no significant players set on leaving, they may prove that a six-man pitching rotation can work. Terry Francona has already suggested that with Beckett, Matsuzaka, Schilling, Wakefield, Lester, and Buckholtz, there is a chance to dominate the American League with pitching alone. Oh yeah, and they’ve got some pretty good hitters too (see: Ortiz, Ramirez, Pedroira, Youkilis).

I’ll run down the list of free agents that MLB.com thinks will impact.

Torii Hunter did a fantastic job as the gold-glove winning center fielder for the Twins, but with the recent comments by Johann Santana, as well as the overall feel of the Minnesota franchise, several free agents will suspend any thoughts of sticking with the team with other options on the table. At least for the next year or two. I expect Hunter to find his way to a team like the White Sox. The Yankees had expressed some interest in him earlier last season, but when Miguel Cabrera started to fill in well with his speed and his glove for the injured Hideki Matsui, the club started to consider the possibility that they had an overly-stable outfield in Damon, Cabrera, Matsui and Abreu. Hunter may also be a considerable option for the Red Sox, who were not terribly pleased with the performance of Coco Crisp throughout the season, and may look to put Hunter in his place, or even rotate him or another outfielder for the sometimes weary J.D. Drew.

Andruw Jones had a mediocre season last year, and may not be the top free agent on the market, but expect him to be wanted back by the Braves. Other than that, he will be fighting for a spot against Torii Hunter, who is younger, faster, and has more potential in his youth. But Jones also picked up the Gold Glove this season for his job in center.

Bartolo Colon and Tom Glavine are a pair of pitchers who were once dominant, but have stuttered greatly in the past two years; mostly due to injury. I’d watch Colon to stay in the AL, and go to a lesser team than the Angels for a little less money, where he can be the number one guy, while Tom Glavine is expected to dig back into his roots at Atlanta, rejoining with former teammate John Smoltz. Now all Atlanta needs to do is get Maddux back and they’ll have a team of old and useless oafs who can’t figure out when to take that AAA coaching job.

I’ve already mentioned, and most have already heard: Rivera and Posada have already talked to the Yankees and both been offered deals. The odds of another team taking Rivera for an equal contract are slim, and Posada will likely stay in pinstripes, where he feels he belongs.

I also think Aaron Rowand will be staying in Philadelphia. But even though MLB.com claims him to be a hot topic, I haven’t read anything discussing his potential as a free agent. Funny how we grasp at straws when all we have to talk about is Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez, Mike Lowell and a manager.

To say the least, don’t expect the playoffs to be determined by what happens this off-season. Sure, whatever team picks up A-Rod will get a few more notches in their wins column because of it, but they will also suffer a few more losses from all they had to give up for his contract. Torre may be able to bring another team that Grady Little failed with back into orbit; and without much depth, Torre may be the only man capable of doing so. In my opinion, MLB.com’s “hot stove” has turned itself into Plath’s oven. Have I really discussed anything exciting today?

No.

Go watch the Celtics.

Baseball is boring this off-season. I need a better job.

Originally posted at ChewThemOut.com by Andrew Keating

I Support Barry Bonds

2007-07-12T12:23:00.001-04:00

I support Barry Bonds. Somebody has to, and it might as well be me. And you should too. Now before you condemn me to walk a plank straight into McCovey Cove, hear me out.

Yes, I think Bonds used steroids. But I also believe Roger Clemens, Lance Armstrong, Evander Holyfield, Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa did too. So what?

Now I’m not here to make excuses for this guy. I just feel for him. He came into the league a skinny base-stealer. 13 Hat sizes later he’s approaching the “most hallowed record in all of sports” (Gee, whoever wrote that line must be a billionaire) and it has angered traditionalists everywhere. Most of the people outside of Rice-a-roni’s birthplace don’t want him to break the record… or so they say.

Everywhere Bonds goes, he is a star. He’s the only reason almost every away game he goes to sells out. The only guy who’s been at this level in my lifetime is Michael Jordan. The difference is that everywhere he goes instead of being cheered, he’s booed. And while everybody claims to hate him, they’re giving him no reason to stop using steroids because they’re there at the games.

Every time a fan boos his actions, every negative quotation of his they put in newspapers, every tell-all book that comes out, every person that states that they won't be there Bonds indeed does break the record; it all adds to his persona as the perfect super-heel of sports, and we needed that.

It actually surprises me that Bonds doesn’t get more love. After all, don’t you get tired of always cheering for the good guys? I for one am. It feels good when you’re wearing a Yankee jersey while your team beats up on the Milwaukee Brewers. And anybody with an “Austin 3:16” t-shirt in their hamper should know the feeling too. Sometimes you just get tired of the superhero. It gets old. But people like Barry are the types of guys that pave the way for the world to love A-Rod and Albert Pujols when they surpass Bonds.

So what! Bonds cheated. How does that affect you? His destroying of his own body means little to nothing in your life. But when he hits that record-breaker, that’s something you’re going to tell your easily influenced 6’6” 300 lb. homerun-hitting grandkids. Why don't you try teaching them the difference between right and wrong before you go blaming Bonds and Marilyn Manson for their roid rage.

All of you who blame him for using steroids have only yourself to blame. Don’t put it on Air Bud Selig who really just played the hand he was dealt. Homeruns saved the game. It brought that casual fan back and it’s the reason we don’t look at MLB like we look at the NHL today.

Yeah, Bonds may not be the most sociable guy. But hey, neither is Russell Crowe. He may not be the ambassador that Michael Jordan was, but that’s his own prerogative. He doesn’t need to be the Cliché-spewing, team-first player we all think we love. Yet it’s the Bonds’s and the Owens’s of the world that have paparazzi noting their every like they were Princess Diana. You the fan have made him into what he is, not steroids.

I turned on SportsCenter the other day and I saw that Bonds went 1-3 with a walk and two strikeouts. Doesn’t that just say it all? Not only do they show every Balco-induced homerun, but they also show every Barry-induced strikeout.

So hate him for disrespecting the media. But also hate Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson for doing the same. Hate him for hitting steroid-aided longballs. Just don’t forget to do the same for Sammy Sosa.

But if you ask me, I think most people just hate Bonds because they love to hate him, and nothing else. And homerun record or not, he’s putting asses in the seats of Miller Stadium. And I don’t think even Michael Jordan could have done that. Because Michael Jordan made himself into what he was. With Bonds, we created the monster.

My State of the Knicks Address

2007-07-07T12:22:00.000-04:00

New Yorkers can be so impatient at times. “Fire Isiah” chants rained on the very first game in Madison Square Garden last year, a game that I attended. THE FIRST GAME, and they went Bob Backlund on us and threw in the towel. No the Knicks didn’t make the playoffs. But all in all, I still feel that last season was a success.

I learned a lot about this team though. I learned that David Lee is Pretty Fly for a White Guy. That he is a dominant rebounder despite everything he has going against him, his skin color, his hair, and his size. I learned Stephon Marbury can be dominant, and that Larry Brown didn’t totally castrate his basketball abilities. I learned that Eddy Curry could hit a three, and more importantly that he could dominate the game with his post scoring.

It still wasn’t all peaches and creams. I also learned that despite what John Hollinger’s CDR (I’ll get into that later) may tell you, Channing Frye isn’t a 20-10 player. I learned that no, Steve Francis isn’t even a shell of the shell of a player he was in Houston. But you know what… in one foul swoop, Isiah fixed those two negatives in the trade that brought in Zach Randolph.

ZACH RANDOLPH! Think about it this way. In two years Isiah essentially traded Channing Frye, Michael Sweetney, Trevor Ariza and LaMarcus Aldridge for Eddy Curry and Zach Randolph… because dominant young post players before their prime are easy to come by in the NBA.

Now before John Hollinger loses more hair coming up with new ways to add to his PER aka the CDR (Curry Deficiency Rating) I have a new rating system that I came up with all by myself… lets call it the CSM or the Common Sense Method. See, instead of using the theory of relativity to compare the effectiveness of players I’ve never watched, I’m going to instead watch every Knicks game and then analyze it using my EYE.

How could a combination of two dominant post presences not equate into wins? Common sense, right? Two guys shooting over 50%, getting the majority of the touches while the other team only shoots 45%. Ron Burgundy: It’s science.

What can any team with one defensive stopper do? They can’t double-team both of them. Even the conscienceless Nate Robinson and Jamal Crawford could hit open shots. Heck, even Jared Jeffries would start hitting those shots. Everyone who says that there aren’t enough balls to go around have to realize that other than Jerome James, the Centers aren’t the ones bringing up the ball. When they get the ball, they are supposed to take a high percentage shot. That’s why they made the position, despite what Mike D’Antoni tells you.

And now there’s talk of shipping over Ron Artest for David Lee. While I love David Lee, we have to think both short-term and long term. Ron Artest can literally put these Knicks over the top. David Lee can really be nothing more than an energy guy. But with Randolph’s knack for rebounding, Lee has become less needed. If the Knicks can somehow swing a trade for the St. John’s alumn, it would bring a defensive toughness that has been missing since they sent Charles Oakley packing. And when the time comes where the Knicks would have to actually pay David Lee, I don’t think him or his agent are settling for the Veterans Minimum. Don’t you think we’re better off convincing a complete nut to take less money? Yeah… and it’s even easier when that nut is an All-Star talent who is from New York.

Maybe you Knick fans haven’t watched in a long time. It sure seems that way. Yeah, for a while, these Knicks were practically unwatchable, especially that year when Larry Brown was coaching. But stop for a second regurgitating beat writers’ opinions and try grabbing a remote and watching the game for yourself. Because if you haven’t watched, then you missed this slow overturning of a bad expensive roster into an expensive one with enormous potential.

Complain all you want about the payroll, Knick fans, but that really doesn’t affect you. All that matters is that the Knicks have become relevant in the league once again. With or without the addition of Ron Artest, the Knicks have a young nucleus that Isiah is not afraid to change if it doesn’t work. And in a day when so many people refuse to take responsibility for their actions, Isiah is, and if he fails it’s not for lack of trying. As compared to you Knick fans who so gave up on him the first game of last season, I stuck with him. And I’m about to see the fruits of his labor. (Pardon the sexual harassment pun)

Jason Paderon is a co-owner, columnist and cartoonist for ChewThemOut.com. Additionally, he was a newswriter at the Staten Island Advance. He can be reached at paderon@chewthemout.com

Greg Oden vs Kevin Durant: Does it Even Matter?

2007-06-27T12:21:00.001-04:00

I remember this day last year, praying that when this day came, it wouldn’t even matter to the success of the New York Knick organization or its legion of fans. (50% of which live in my room apparently)

But I guess its like one of those “Be careful what you wish for” kind of things. Thanks for the lesson, God! But before I go carefully wording my draft day prayer let me talk about this for one second. After all, this is supposed to be a draft for the ages, right?

Well at the top of the draft are two high school studs, fresh victims of the Age Rule. One, Greg Oden, a seven-foot defensive monster, brought to Ohio State the biggest hype we’ve seen this side of LeBron James. Meanwhile, Kevin Durant playing the Carmelo to his Lebron, fresh off his domination in Texas.

Who to choose? This is the question that has plagued fans and journalists alike over the last couple months. This isn’t anything entirely new, however. We’ve been faced with these decisions before with Carmelo and LeBron, Dwight Howard and Emeka Okafor, and even the great Jordan v Bowie debate.

While the jury may be out on the other two, the Bowie draft pick over Michael is one that has plagued the Trailblazer organization to this day. That and a stretch when they were pretty much were the Bengals of the NBA combined causing fans to disappear faster than Clyde Drexler’s hairline.

So, faced with a similar decision again, what is Portland to do? Let’s just hold it for a minute right there. Is this really a draft the caliber of the 1984 draft that produced Michael Jordan, Hakeem Olajuwon, Charles Barkley, John Stockton and Rick Carlisle? (That’s right, 3rd round, 23rd pick to the Boston Celtics) I don’t think so. I don’t even think it’s on par with the draft that produced LeBron, Dwyane Wade, Carmelo and Bosh.

It’s funny that in sports we are always so quick to look for “successors.” God knows how many “Next Jordan’s” and “Next Dirk’s” we’ve had over the years. But let’s really compare these guys to what we have.

What is Greg Oden’s ceiling really? Are we looking at the next David Robinson? The next Patrick Ewing? The next Bill Russell? Let me answer all those three questions with a quick ‘no’ and an even quicker slap for insulting me.

As ‘great’ as Oden was in the championship game, I also saw a very flawed player. While he was an excellent shot-blocker, he looked a step slow on some plays and his offensive repertoire was about as extensive as Philip Seymour Hoffman in Along Came Polly. (Always a favorite of mine.)

How good can he really become? I see him as a bigger Ben Wallace with a slightly better offensive game. Nothing really more. And while he may be an important clog on a championship team, I don’t see him as being the Tim Duncan of a championship team.
Now before you go jumping on the shoulders of Kevin Durant, realize that he probably wouldn’t be able to hold you up. I understand that many players have come to the NBA rail-thin and have succeeded, but how many Next KG’s have to come and fail before we realize that he’s more the exception than the rule. More so, how many teams has Garnett carried to a championship in his tenure? 0.Lack of supporting cast or not, isn’t this what we expect out of a #1 pick?

Durant’s game is said to be more like Carmelo Anthony’s than anything, except Durant rebounds. My question is his heart. Honestly.

As an athlete, I’ve seen many people with that desire to become better and for some reason Durant throws up that red flag. Yeah, he’s really athletic, but seriously, I’m 165 lbs and I could bench press him. And my 100 pound girlfriend could bench 185 lbs. as many times as he can.

Arguments could be made for those the likes of Tayshaun Prince and Reggie Miller, but Tayshaun is a defender first, who isn’t asked to create his own shot, and Reggie never created his own shot with the ball. There’s a reason why there just aren’t that many of these guys.

I see a lot of Adam Morrison in him actually. I think he’s going to struggle to score as easily as he did in college, and as for the 11 RPG, I’d be surprised if he got seven.

Let’s say that that’s the ceiling for these guys. One is a taller Ben Wallace who can’t rebound. The other is a poor man’s Carmelo Anthony who has more of a face-up game than anything else. Now while both players would be excellent additions to veteran teams, neither is ready to take the NBA by storm and dominate like LeBron did. If you asked me, I would trade the pick, then hire Isiah Thomas as a draft day consultant. But then again, I am a Knick fan.

Jason Paderon is a co-founder, columnist, and cartoonist for ChewThemOut.com. Additionally, he was a news reporter for the Staten Island Advance. He can be reached at paderon@chewthemout.com.

Wrestling has Gone too Far

2007-06-27T12:21:00.000-04:00

The recent untimely death of yet another pro wrestler has resurrected the question: Has wrestling gone too far?

In this time where instant gratification is valued above long-term success, it is that and that alone that has kept professional wrestling alive over the years. When the world wanted mullets and spandex colliding in a graceful, yet violent way, wrestling provided. When they wanted scantily clad women parading their surgically enhanced bodies all over the ring, they got it. When they wanted “huge bumps” and hardcore matches, wrestling gave it to them. But we as fans forgot about the whole other half - the guys who did this day in and day out and their families.

Instant gratification is wrestling’s only headlock on the boxing and MMA worlds. The fact that the biggest names could headline an overpriced Pay Per View card, then have a rematch the very next day on Raw. It was great for us, but what about the people with those names.

One may argue that the toll isn’t necessarily equivalent to that of the “real” combat sports, these aren’t exactly cream puffs landing on marshmallows. No matter how trained you are, no matter how muscular, no matter your pain tolerance; these athletes are working 300 days of the year for you, the fan. There are no off-seasons, and as a result, these aches and pains add up.

And then you see so many of these wrestlers dying at a young age. These are people. I’m only 21-years-old, and I’ve already seen more than my share of wrestling deaths. Deaths of many of those wrestlers of whom I grew up idolizing.

You see so many people so quickly dismiss wrestling because it’s “fixed.” But these deaths are real. Darren Drozdov is really paralyzed. Addictions to painkillers and steroids have become commonplace in wrestling locker rooms, more so than in any other comparable athletic activity. That’s why the number of deaths of wrestlers before age 50 is astronomical. Maybe it’s just me, but I never really thought of myself as middle-aged.

I’m just taking this as a wakeup call and I hope the wrestling world gets it too. The pressure we put on these people to be of a perfect physique for their whole lives are expectations that simply cannot be attained by the most genetically gifted. At least next time I watch a wrestling match on TV I won’t be yelling, “Kill him!” because the sad reality is the fans already are.

Jason Paderon is a co-founder, columnist, and cartoonist for ChewThemOut.com. Additionally, he was a news reporter for the Staten Island Advance. He can be reached at paderon@chewthemout.com.

Toon Them Out: Carl Pavano

2007-06-10T14:42:00.001-04:00

Toon Them Out: Spurs rain on Cleveland's Parade

2007-06-10T14:41:00.001-04:00

Hop off the Lebronwagon

2007-06-05T12:20:00.001-04:00

Wow, you would have thought Jordan was back. That was the impression I’ve been getting ever since LeBron’s Game Five 48-point explosion that set the NBA world on fire. But before we all go hopping onto the Bronwagon, let’s just calm down for a second. While he did score 28 points consecutively, and while he really did make a historically great defense irrelevant, was it really the memorable performance everybody made it out to be?

I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me, but I’d rather watch Kobe go off for 81. I’d rather watch Jordan push off Craig Ehlo, forever casting him in the background of a decade’s worth of Gatorade commercials. I’d rather watch Reggie Miller score as many points as he could get out of that alien-body in 12 seconds. I’d rather watch Larry Johnson’s four-point play. Those are the memorable performances in my mind. Heck even the Allan Houston three pointer after a Stephon Marbury miss to force overtime against the Dallas Mavericks three years ago in the regular season will stand out more.

The point is that LeBron was just dunking, and not dunking it in a Vince Carter
way that you would remember either. They were uncontested basic dunks that my brother often does in warm-ups. When you’re six-feet and in high school, it’s really cool. When you’re 6’8 and in the NBA, it’s nothing we haven’t seen before. In fact, the most Vince Carter thing about his whole performance were the mindless, flat, fadeaway jumpers he took “cuz he was fillin’ it.”

There was no excitement. There was no point in that stretch where I had to step back, take a breath and just admire it. It happened too quickly. And whule, no, it doesn’t have to be flashy to be effective, it does need to be flashy to be memorable. After all, how many Tim Duncan and Shaquille O’Neal playoff highlights do you really remember?

And after all of that was said and done, Detroit was still in the game! After LeBron became a cyborg, he became human on defense. Jordan never did. Kobe never did. Duncan never did.

Don’t give me that crap about LeBron’s teammates or lack thereof. Jordan didn’t exactly have Hakeem Olajuwon in the middle. Heck, he didn’t even have Zydrunas Ilgauskas. And look at the Spurs. Other than Tim Duncan, who on that team was supposed to amount to anything? Michael Finley…14 years ago?

I look at the draft as a litmus test for how good the scouts believe a player would be. I understand that Tony Parker is quick, but he wasn’t supposed to be this good. Same thing goes for Manu Ginobili. But Tim Duncan (and Eva Longoria) has made them into household names and perennial All-Star contenders, and more importantly, perennial championship contenders.

Isn’t that what LeBron was supposed to do so well in the first place? To elevate the games of his teammates a la Magic Johnson? I mean, for all the times we’ve questioned the playing ability of Damon Jones and Eric Snow, did we totally forget that Robert Horry is horrible in precisely 47 minutes of every game? Yeah. Because Tim Duncan IS that good.

Not to take anything away from LeBron’s performance though. On that stage, in that arena, against that team, yeah; it was great. Did it surpise me? Not at all.

At no point did LeBron impress me really. I KNEW he could jump out of the gym. I KNEW he was a 22-year-old guard despite looking like a 30-year-old power forward. I knew this, and expected it in Game 1. After all, he could have powered home a dunk for the ages on Tayshaun, but instead he decided to defer to his fat 3-point shooting power forward, Donyell “No I’m not Ludacris in 10 years” Marshall. Then I was so sure that he would dunk it in Game 2. Instead, we got a Vince Carter type fadeaway five feet from the rim.

So he had failed twice already. So why does this become like he didn’t mess those situations up. If he does, this game doesn’t even take place. The Cavs would have swept the Pistons dynasty and the Knicks would be introducing Rasheed Wallace as their Power Forward right now. (I wish)

To me this is like A-Rod striking out 50 consecutive times in clutch situations. We know he has the talent. We knew it. Now in the World Series, he finally hits a clutch grand slam. Does it instantly make him clutch? Does it instantly make him great? What if instead of A-Rod, it’s Josh Phelps. Does he become an all-time great too? No. Just ask Miguel Cairo.)

Michael Jordan said it all recently when he said, "Making 'The Leap' is where you do it every single night. It's expected of you, and you do it. ... Not one game, not two games. It's consistent. Every defense comes in and they focus on you and you still impact the game. I think he's shown signs of that."

Signs. That’s it. Maybe he will become great one day and pass down this advice to the next LeBron. But he’s not there yet, and don’t be surprised if Tim Duncan shows him that. But instead of forcing the weight of the world’s expectations upon him, why don’t we just sit back and let him develop into the player he’s destined to be.

Jason Paderon is a co-founder, columnist, and cartoonist for ChewThemOut.com. Additionally, he was a news reporter for the Staten Island Advance. He can be reached at paderon@chewthemout.com.

Stop Getting the Knicks Fans Riled Up!

2007-05-27T12:19:00.000-04:00

Apparently the Knick fans aren’t alone in wishing the team back to the NBA elite. With the free agent season just around the corner, the rumor mills have bounced around the Knicks name like Jessica Simpson on a trampoline.

First it was Pau Gasol. Then it was Kevin Garnett. Then Jermaine O’Neal said he wanted to come here. Vince Carter too. Chris Webber wanted to come here last year in Philly when it seemed as if his career was on the wrong side of the hill. Homegrown psychopath Ron Artest is a virtual lock as soon as Sacramento decides he’s not a good influence on Mike Bibby. Word is Kobe Bryant apparently wants out of LA, La la unless West comes back west. And look whose team has come to the forefront? That’s right, your New…York… Knicks! (Brings me back, it really does.)

And that was only this off-season. Don’t forget that Lebron, D-Wade and Carmelo are headed here after their three year contracts are done.

So let me get this straight. So according to these rumors, the Knicks will have a starting lineup of Wade, Kobe, Lebron, Garnett and Jermaine O’Neal? Sounds good to me!

But oh wait… how are we supposed to get these guys?

I don’t want to hear that it’s because of the money. If we figured out a way to trade for Tim Thomas, trade Nazr Mohammed for an overpaid, undersized Malik Rose, and overpay for Jerome James there HAS to be a way!

But now I have to stop being a Knick homer for a minute. Honestly, these are superstars, and even if they are content with $5 million veteran exceptions in exchange for all the endorsements, their agents certainly aren’t. I mean, as high-paying a city as New York is with our Yankees, Mets, Rangers and Knicks, you don’t see the best player in their sports playing here. (Alex Rodriguez is about as close as we’re going to get, yet we’ll never appreciate him until we’re describing him to our grandchildren.)

In fact, instead of a collection of highly-paid superstars, the Knicks are more like highly-paid second-tier players. Not to take anything away from them, though. If I was going to be paid 10-times less than the salary Jerome James gets I’d be happy. And you would too. But it shows just how desperate teams can get. There aren’t exactly enough superstars to go around, not even to New York.

The problem is that if these superstars were so willing to come to New York and play under the microscope of two major tabloids, non-stop coverage from ESPN and ChewThemOut.com ;-) then they would.

So if Garnett wants to play alongside Marbury again, I’m certainly not standing in his way. It would probably make his wallet extra large and either way make or break his legacy. If Isiah could somehow make amends with Larry Legend and figure out a way to swing a Stevie Francis for Jermaine O’Neal deal, then by all means… PLEASE DO IT!

But I’m getting tired of rumors circulating every day about possible Knick acquisitions with nothing coming out of it. When Kobe Bryant’s limousine door swings open and he steps foot onto the New York City pavement as a New York Knick, believe me, I’ll be one of those people there screaming like a girl at a Jason Paderon column reading. (Or a Justin Timberlake concert, whichever gets the point across better.)

But until that day, I’m just going to have to live with the fact that it’s still Jerome James stepping out of that limo. Not that I care though, I’ll still be there screaming my brains out. I’m a Knick fan.

Jason Paderon is a co-founder, columnist, and cartoonist for ChewThemOut.com. Additionally, he was a news reporter for the Staten Island Advance. He can be reached at paderon@chewthemout.com.

Toon Them Out: Celtics Karma

2007-05-24T14:36:00.000-04:00

Hey Boston! You're Just Like Us!

2007-05-24T12:19:00.000-04:00

Tuesday night was one of the most ironic in the Boston-New York rivalry. Aside from the Yankee-Red Sox matchup, the New York and Boston fans were bickering in sports again; finding themselves in opposing positions on the night of the draft lottery: The Celtics intentionally tanked the season to get Oden, and the Knicks unintentionally tanked the season to keep the Bulls from getting Oden. Ah the drama...

So with the Knicks having pretty much nothing to do with this lottery, I really could care less about the result… except the factoid that the Celtics…of all teams, pretty much tanked the season in an organizational effort to gain the right to emblazon the Oden name onto 1000’s of green jerseys.

As a sports fan it really sickened me. How could you root for your team to lose? You know what, even if its better in the long run, sports is a short term kind of deal! Honestly, it might have been better if the Jets lost that game two years ago, and instead of Thomas Jones we'd have Reggie Bush in our backfield. But I'd cheer them on again if it happened today.

This really showed the hypocritical nature of the Boston sports fan to me. I saw one guy on ESPN’s Conversation beta criticize the Yankee fans; telling them they aren’t entitled to a championship every year. Then this same character had the nerve to explain how the Boston Celtics were long overdue for a break.

Overdue? What exactly are the Celtics entitled to that the Yankees are not? The Celtics made bad organizational moves, compounding bad contracts and high school grads with a lone star in Paul Pierce. Larry Bird is long gone. Len Bias is a distant memory. Tim Duncan didn’t come out to the draft that year. They had Chauncey Billups and gave up on him about a career too early. They essentially traded the best player in the draft (R.O.Y. Roy) so you can get Stephon Marbury’s cousin. (And that’s all Telfair is to me until he proves otherwise) It’s your fault Boston! You had your chances.

But my beef with the Celtics comes from a deeper level. Honestly, I too was once a Birdman of sorts. I cheered against my future coach because there was something so intriguing about a hick with success in such a physical and athletic sport.

Furthermore, I could care less what a Boston fan thinks. I guess its that Yankee attitude, the one where you don’t even care who’s behind you, you’re still in first.

My beef goes beyond any Bill Simmons rant on the karma of the Celtics. You can check out my cartoon to know how I feel about that.

Really my beef comes from a sports journalism class I was in two years ago. Let’s have a Wonder Years-esque flashback, shall we?

Me, with a deeper and totally different voice: My teacher, a Celtic fanatic, and this student, a Patriot fanatic were teaming up on my Knicks, criticizing everything from Eddy Curry’s heart (literally and figuratively) to Stephon Marbury’s tattoos.

I was quickly getting sick of it. I promptly stood up and said, “Well, the Knicks are closer to a championship than the Celtics are!”

I then went on to explain the Isiah Thomas plan and pick out the deficiencies of the Celtic franchise all the way down to their crappy uniform.

Snap back to reality. The draft went on, and the Celtic fans were disappointed with their pick, the fifth pick they wasted all their efforts to get so undeservingly.

“We were screwed!” yelled one Bostonian. “It was fixed,” another cried.

Really?

It’s funny. Because, if anything, David Stern went out of his way NOT to fix this draft. The top three tankers did not get rewarded. The Bulls did not end up with their missing puzzle piece they shouldn’t have had in the first place. The Portland TrailBlazers became relevant.

And mot importantly the Boston fans got a nice Aaron Boone-like slap in the face: You guys are just like us.

Jason Paderon is a co-founder, columnist, and cartoonist for ChewThemOut.com. Additionally, he was a news reporter for the Staten Island Advance. He can be reached at paderon@chewthemout.com.

Walking the Line

2007-05-18T12:18:00.000-04:00

t’s amazing the clutch shots Robert Horry has hit in his career. But when you look back on these 07’ playoffs, which shot will you remember? The three that won the game on the court or the hip-check on Nash that won the series? A series that was put in the hands of the commissioner, and let’s just say that David Stern’s recent decisions have been more questionable than Carlos Boozer’s ethnicity.

I’m not going to say that David Stern has an easy job, far from it. God knows the kind of decisions he has to make on a daily basis. (Like how to make the league completely white.) But how hard is it to have rules open to interpretation? If we were just going to connect the dots for every infraction of the law, we wouldn’t need judges. Once we find that somebody did something we just cross-navigate it on our little charts and do it. If this is the case then explain to me how David Stern any more qualified than a monkey, or a child, or even Roger Mayweather?

David Stern. Where do you draw the line? When do you cross that invisible barrier between laying down the law and playing God? Because that’s essentially what you’ve done to the most exciting series we had. You’ve taken the luck out of poker, and in this case, you’ve taken out the opponent too. Why even play, just name the Spurs the champions.

I’m not even going to pose as a Suns fan. In fact, as a basketball traditionalist, I’m more attracted to the Spurs methodical pace than Phoenix’s brand o’ excitement. And God knows the distaste I have for ANY organization actually willing to pay Tim Thomas any more than minimum wage (after the effort he put in with the Knicks.)

No, my argument isn’t that Stoudemire and Diaw shouldn’t be suspended. That’s fine with me; as long as everyone else is held accountable for their actions too.

Like Tim Duncan. Did he not on the court earlier in the game to complain about a call? Don’t tell me you missed that – his eyes were so cartoon-like you could have thought they were filming the sequel to Space Jam. The rule doesn’t seem to have clear-cut there though, only during fights. I SEE!

What about Baron Davis, who gave his former backcourt-mate Derek Fisher an elbow that would make Lex Luger proud? What about when Jason Richardson’s virtual beheading of Turkey’s main man Memo? (It’s a good thing I’m not reading that out loud!) What about Bruce Bowen first kneeing Nash in the gonads then proceding to kicking Amare like he was a soccer ball? You probably have to look those rules up, huh? I’ll save you the time Davey Boy; these incidences aren’t in the rulebook. But stepping onto the court is, and you enforce that to a T. (And here’s a T for Stephen Jackson while we’re at it. You know he probably did something to deserve it.)

And what message is sending to the Spurs? First he rids the league of the official that got fed up with Timmy. Fine! Then Stern doesn’t suspend Bowen for repeated cheap shots. Fine! You don’t find it punishable for the Warriors lack of sportsmanship in Game 4 of their series. Fine! But Stoudemire standing up… one game. Come on!

So then Amare Stoudemire and Boris Diaw sat out the most pivotal game of the series and the Suns found their backs to the wall where they should have found new life. And because of what? Because David Stern wanted to avoid the firestorm from the ‘silent majority’ of Spurs faithful?

That’s why you have a job. It is your duty to judge each incident on a case-by-case basis, and then enforce whatever punishment you deem appropriate.

What’s the difference between Robert Horry shoulder blocking Steve Nash and Stoudemire getting up to protect him. One additional game, apparently. The suspensions equal 30.1 combined PPG for the Suns, compared to 3.9 points PPG the Spurs lose. And the Spurs provoked it and had the only physical interaction in the entire melee.

It amazes me how the repercussions of taking out the other team’s best player can actually benefit your cause. What stops Jacque Vaughn from doing the same thing this game? If he goes Stephen Jackson on the South African native Canadian and the same thing happens, what precedent are you setting? I see that it prevents the bench from stepping on the court, but how does it prevent a Spurs bench player from doing the same this game and knocking every Suns All-Star out of the game?

Stern’s response: Well, as long as the bench does not stand up! That would be terrible for the league’s image.

My Answer: Much worse than the commissioner fixing the finals.

The Dissappointment of the Century

2007-05-14T12:17:00.000-04:00

I don’t even need to say which fight I’m talking about. You know. The Golden Boy VS The Pretty Boy. Heck, even subplot was intriguing with the estranged father of Mayweather stepping away from De La Hoya’s corner to support his son.

Geez, if there ever was a sign that boxing’s sign of apocalypse, look no further than that first paragraph… a Pretty Boy VS a Golden Boy, both of which come under the long-time tutelage of barely literate brothers (Roger and Floyd Sr.)

The promoters advertised it as “the World Awaits” and Golden Boy Promotions sold its soul to basically any and every advertiser who would take the bait. (By the way, this article is brought to you by Tequila Cazadores™ What I can't make a dollar too?)

Some called it the Super Bowl of Boxing. Sports Illustrated tabbed the fight, “The Fight to Save Boxing.” Bill Simmons even took a break from massaging Tim Duncan/Tom Brady/Larry Bird’s collective genitalia to dub this “Boxing’s Last Great Fight.”

I just let a week go by to let ‘the fight of the century’ sink in. Wow. If that’s the century we’re in store for, I think I’ll look elsewhere. Maybe it’s the UFC, maybe its hockey. Heck, I’ll be better off waiting for Kyle Farnsworth inevitable inside fastball on Jason Varitek causing the biggest Yankee-Red Sox donnybrook this side of Don Zimmer. (Oh I could dream, can’t I?)

That’s right I said it, the fight sucked. A week later, and everybody in the boxing world has been hush-hush about the effect of the fight. It was almost as if it was taboo to say the fight was a disappointment – but it was!

For the most part, the experts knew Mayweather was going to dominate, but for sure they expected some kind of showing. The fair-weather boxing fans knew Oscar De La Hoya’s name and cheered their hearts out with every non-effective flurry he threw at Mayweather’s gloves and booed with every singular, non-spectacular responsive counter punch Floyd threw back. It’s Fannnnn-tastic!

Apparently Mayweather’s Ali-like talk was about as close to the excitement we were going to get from the guy. The guy who brought out a chicken and mocked De La Hoya calling him the Golden Girl. The guy who insulted the UFC, an company who’s promotion and organization runs circles around today’s boxing world. The guy who frankly made De La Hoya look like a pretty boy who really didn’t belong in the ring with the real “Pretty Boy.”

But doesn’t the whole bad guy thing only work when you DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT? Like, for example, when you end the fight spectacularly one way or another.

But after all the hoopla, was that what we got?

What we got was no knockdowns, no visible bruising, and no cuts, combined with massive confusion on behalf of the casual fan. Those fans (and one judge who apparently won his job from a slot machine) saw the fight convincingly for De La Hoya. The boxing fanatics and the two other judges saw something of a non-exciting defensive domination from Mayweather that would make the pre-strike New Jersey Devils seem exciting.

In a way I guess Oscar prevailed. He did end up making about two and a half times the amount Mayweather did. And he did bring the non-boxing sports world to the big-screened living rooms of America. And he did try…REALLY REALLY HARD.

But I’m sorry; it wasn’t good enough for me. Maybe I was too optimistic. I was sure that De La Hoya would be kissing canvas in the end. But then again maybe he wouldn’t. Maybe this was going to be the knockdown, drag-out brawl in the mold of the great Gatti-Ward bouts. I guess I fell into the boxing trap mode; the “Hey maybe this will be the fight (fill in blank)” mode.

But Mayweather just wasn’t that guy. He wasn’t out to knock out the Golden Boy. He wasn’t out to make him look silly. He wasn’t even out to show the world that he was decidedly better. He did enough, and just enough to win a title. But that’s not what boxing needed. Not with the eyes of the world on it after a decade-long separation. Not with the sport on a respirator, struggling to compete with the UFC for the average man’s Pay Per View dollar.

But screw boxing, a wins a win. The problem is that when Mayweather comes back for his next fight, and he will come back, will the living rooms be packed like they were for this fight?

Not unless he’s fighting Sean “The Muscle Shark” Sherk in the octagon they won’t.

Jason Paderon is a co-founder, columnist, and cartoonist for ChewThemOut.com. Additionally, he was a news reporter for the Staten Island Advance. He can be reached at paderon@chewthemout.com.

Interview with Giants Kawika Mitchell

2007-05-01T12:17:00.000-04:00

I recently caught up with Kawika Mitchell, the newly signed Giants linebacker who as a Middle Linebacker for the Chiefs, leading the team in tackles the last two injury-free years. Mitchell will be wearing the number 55 which was previously worn by LaVar Arrington, who’s roster spot was freed up after the Giants released him in the off-season.

JP: I know your name is Hawaiian for David. Did you grow up Hawaii? How did you end up a South Florida Bull.

KM: Well, I was born In Hawaii but I grew up in Florida. I first went to Georgia, but then I transferred to Division 1 AA South Florida because I felt like it was a better opportunity. Eventually we became Division 1A.

JP: You’ve been relatively injury free in your five years for the Chiefs. How have you avoided injury?

KM: As a rookie I had a couple nagging injuries. Basically you need to just work through them. I haven’t missed a play in the last two years. I have a great trainer down in Florida. Basically I work out all year ‘round. You really have to at this level. In college you were always bigger than people. In the pros everybody has the physicality.

JP: Given your durability and obvious knack for tackling, why did you only sign a one-year deal?

KM: It was just based on the situation. I was looking for certain terms in a contract, and I wasn’t getting it. I basically looked for the best situation and I saw the Giants who are a playoff team, with a good defense, and good leadership.

JP: But now you have to move away from Middle Linebacker, the position you played all your career. How comfortable will your transition be.

KM: It’s really not going to be that drastic, I played outside linebacker in college.

JP: OK, well that’s not the only thing you have to worry about. Obviously the New York media is going to be watching your every move. How does it feel to be playing in New York?

KM: I’m excited. I always want to play on the big stage. I feel like I don’t have much to worry about, I’ve been producing my whole career. I’ve been on many winning teams and I love to compete.

JP: What’s the biggest difference so far between Kansas City and New York?

KM: The people. The city. Everything’s different. I had a good time in Kansas City. Herm Edwards was a good coach. He was a player so he knows what we go through every day. He took care of me, but I look forward to having a good year in New York.

JP: Thank you and good luck with the season.

KM: Thanks, good luck with your site, I am a big fan of yours. (OK maybe I made this line up!)

Baron Davis Makes Leap into Overrated Class

2007-04-30T12:16:00.000-04:00

So it seems we have next years MVP, crown him now, Charlotte/New Orleans/Oklahoma/Las Vegas/Seattle/Kansas City castoff: Baron Davis. At that would be the case if things keep going the way they are, fresh off his team's manhandling of this year's MVP and his team of Averites.

Now before you go “Joshua Downs” and start gulping the dark blue and orange colored Kool-Aid, think about this: Isn’t this whole situation so eerily similar to how ballyhooed we made Dirk last year before the Heat handed his German ass back to him on a Shaq-sized platter? Haven’t we learned?

Not to forget that Baron Davis is a shoot-first point guard - almost the same exact player that Stephon Marbury is, and there is nothing more the New York fans want to do than have Starbury’s in colors other than Orange and Blue. Marbury couldn’t carry the Knicks alone, neither can B-Diddy.

Forget about the fact that Baron has seemingly ignited these 8th place nobodies into playoff history, it hasn’t entirely been on B-Diddy’s oft-injured shoulders. Don’t forget about the career years from Monte Ellis and Matt 'Skelator' Barnes. Don’t forget about Stephen “I know I have a bad attitude but shut up I’ll shoot you” Jackson. Don’t forget about Al Harrington and his weird head dimples. And really don’t forget about the 7 foot tall skinny Latvian that almost totally made you Warrior fans forget that you threw a bucket of money at Adonal Foyle two seasons ago. (Who?) Most importantly, don’t forget who your coach is.

That’s right. The biggest part of this series hasn’t even been Baron Davis’s stellar play, splitting traps and hitting tough to damn near impossible jumpers. It wasn’t his teammates either. (Sorry Zarko Caparkapa)

It was good ol’ Donny Nelson, the Dallas Maverick outcast who they let go in order to give the reigns to newbie Avery Johnson.

Did we not forget that Nelson was the coach of the exact team they’re playing against for the last eight years of his coaching life? What, did you think he forgot his gameplans and Dallas playbooks down in Texas? He knows every detail of uber-star Dirk Nowitzki’s game from the turn-around fadeaways to the sky-scraping three pointers that he apparently takes way too much of. He knows the types of players Devin Harris and Josh Howard are… HE DRAFTED THEM. The only thing he didn’t know was the Erick Dampier could actually be useful, but hey, who did?

So before you go crazy and start pre-ordering Warriors finals tickets, remember that this was the same team that was just 42-40, a team that up until the last day was unsure of whether they would make the playoffs at all. And their center Andris Biedrins, as bronzed as his skin is, is still just 21. And so is Monte Ellis, despite the widely spread rumor that he’s actually a 13 year-old AAU player with sick hops.

And although this team was fully prepared for Dallas, what’s going to happen when Tim Duncan and his bland personality and style of basketball walks into the Oracle Arena and issues a personal and not-too flashy “welcome to the playoffs” spanking?

Get back to when they beat San Antonio. Because then maybe I too will be drinking some of the Kool-Aid. Oh Yeahhhhh!!!

The Refs Strike Back

2007-04-29T12:15:00.000-04:00

I recently took one of my routine trips to the local ‘R Us in search of my ever elusive Wii. After watching some spoiled brat pestering his father to buy him one too, his father acquiesced, and got the last one. THE LAST ONE!
He didn’t deserve it. Not after all the half-assed work and phone calls I had done to find one.

Anyway, the story has a point. The father, at first so reluctant to open his wallet, soon fell sucker to the cry-baby antics of his little brat of a child. And it makes me sick – not just because I don’t have my Wii, but also because these antics worked.

I see the same thing in the sports world. I understand that Tim Duncan shouldn’t be talking back to you. He should just play the game. But I’m sorry Mr. Joey Crawford, as much as you would like to be the main attraction, the reason the fans come to the arenas, YOU'RE NOT. There’s a reason why it says Knicks v. Bulls Tonight in bright lights not JOEY CRAWFORD officiates NBA Game. Thats why you’re on the welfare line.

You see it in football. These instant replays, instead of being the checking tool that they were designed to be have become “oh there isn’t a replay rule for that"-athons in which we waste four minutes of our lives staring at the officials finely tuned ass.

You see it in baseball. In a game of a recent game between the Yankees and the Boston Red Sox the umpire seemed to be on 4-second tape delay, almost to say, “Hey, I want my camera time.”

Then on half swings, the Third Base umpire so vehemently contorts his body, all to make sure that the batter 30 feet away knows whether or not he went around. Believe me a little fist pump would do.

Then in basketball it has become a big problem. Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you heard about the Joey Crawford debacle in which he lost his temper and decided to eject Tim Duncan and T up any other people who dare cracked a smile. I’m not saying that he wanted the attention, but seriously, should we know who the officials are other than seeing their names as a sidenote on a box score?

Other than Dick Bavetta’s hilarious footrace against the 400 lb. rent-losing machine in Charles Barkley, the officials shouldn’t even make the news at all.

But what annoys me beyond anything is something I just read in while browsing through the ESPN Message Boards. Apparently it wasn't just me that got the inclination that the refs are 'influencing' games as a response?

I know that’s quite a big scandal, one that might be even more disturbing than Hideki Matsui's 'extensive' porn collection. I know of it’s effect on an internationally popular sport. I don't want to do it but I just get that feeling. I’m just saying that there does seem to be a lot of upsets. And some of these questionable calls do seem to be going one way.

I know somebody else has had to notice. Extra three-second violations on Dallas. A traveling violation on Shaq. Stephen Jackson not getting technical fouls. Blame it on just ‘regular’ officiating but I see it as perhaps a message from the refs: Don’t mess with us.

If this was the case I don’t want it to become a scandal.

I don’t want it to become a black-eye of the sport not induced by a Ron Artest tantrum. I just want the refs to know that I've noticed, and I get the point. YOU WIN! But I’ll keep quiet as long as you call these games with your regular home-field biases. But please don’t ruin these playoffs, Stephen Jackson can do that by himself by leading the Warriors to the championship. He doesn’t need your help.

Jason Paderon is the co-founder, columnist, and cartoonist for ChewThemOut.com. Additionally, he was a news reporter for the Staten Island Advance. He can be reached at paderon@chewthemout.com.

2007 NFL Draft Journal

2007-04-28T17:04:00.000-04:00

If you missed the NFL Draft, fret none, cuz Maz and Danny got cha back, suckah. Here are the notable events:

12:00 Mike Vick has yet to leave the stage. Apparently Bruce Smith needs directions to his house.

12:15 Michael Vick is the first to congratulate new Raiders QB Jamarcus Russell, and hands him a copy of his new book: Believe Your Own Hype, But Never Live Up To It (Bonus Chapter: Passive Income From Pitbulls)

12:25 Calvin Johnson is crying after getting off the phone. Apparently, he received some discouraging words from his new QB Jon Kitna: "I'm going to be throwing you the ball."

12:26 Keyshawn Johnson explains to everyone how Calvin Johnson is not the best WR ever drafted named Johnson.

12:30 Calvin Johnson is officially selected by the Lions. The fans cheer him for the last time, as they're not expected to see him on TV for the next several years.

12:33 Browns are up. Everyone in the Green room have turned off their cell phones.

12:38 Footage: Joe Thomas is out fishing right now.

12:41 Brady Quinn is shown sporting his new threads from the Michael Irvin Jive Soul Shop.

12:42 Cleveland selects Joe Thomas.

12:43 Joe Thomas legally changes his name to Brady Quinn.

12:48 Steve Young checks his watch. He hopes he can stick around for the Niners pick before his next Botox injection at 2:40.

12:50 Adrian Peterson sprains wrist picking up the phone. Surgery is expected.

12:51 Mike Martz has hired NFL Draft Consultant Dikembe Mutumbo to reject all trade offers for his new crowning jewel, Calvin Johnson.

12:54 Gaines Adams shows off his trendy urban haircut which features the word "BUST" shaved into his head.

12:57 Gaines Adams is selected by the Bucs.

1:01 JaMarcus Russell signs his first endorsement deal with fast food juggernaut McDonalds.

1:04 Levi Brown is selected by the Cardinals, and instantly pimped out as the face of UPS new marketing campaign: Who Can Brown Block For You?

1:06 PM Dan Snyder is talking to Keyshawn Johnson at the ESPN desk.

1:08 PM #6 is dealt to Carolina for Key

1:10 PM Keyshawn restructures deal to become highest paid WR in league history.

1:11 Redskins are on the clock. Eli and Archie Manning are shown praying that Amobi Okoye isn't selected.

1:13 PM LaRon Landry is shown wearing a tie. Lets see if this effects his draft status.

1:16 PM Sean Taylor calls up LaRon Landry. Asks him if he wants to go to the shooting range tomorrow.

1:17 PM LaRon Landry is selected by the Redskins. He is projected to start at the Get Ran Over by Brandon Jacobs position.

1:17 PM Vikings are now on the clock.

1:18 Mel Kiper takes two Tums capsules to settle his underlying virus: diarrhea of the mouth.

1:26 A sweaty and unshaven Mike Tice runs up to the podium to select QB Byron Leftwich.

1:27 Mike Tice is carried away by security.

1:28 Vikings select Adrian Peterson.

1:29: Adrian Peterson sprains his face smiling for a picture.

1:35 Brady Quinn smiles at Rachel Nichols. Her panties drop faster than Quinn's draft stock.

1:38: Atlanta is getting ready to pick Amobi Okoye.

1:39 Atlanta selects Jamaal Anderson. Okoye wonders if Jamaal Anderson is English for Amobi Okoye.

1:40 Rich McKay is bitten by stray dog.

1:41 Mike Vick promises to take care of it. He hands McKay a copy of his book.

1:43 Rumor circulates that Vince Young's forehead has tested positive for steroids.

1:49 Tom Brady marks his territory by impregnating The Pussycat Dolls before Quinn has his shot at them.

1:51 Dolphins select Ted Ginn. Brady Quinn shows a disgenuine smile. Women all over the country faint.

1:52 Ted Ginn Jr runs a 4.29 forty to the podium. Unfortunately he ran a slant instead of a post and instead of the podium he wound up in the Green Room

1:57 Quinn's girlfriend is shown with a fresh black eye.

2:01 Texans call Amobi Okoye. No answer. Spongebob is on.

2:04 Texans select Amobi Okoye

2:09 Undrafted Brady Quinn is shown with a new, less hot girlfriend.

2:13 Amobi Okoye takes phone call from Houston and they tell him they're going to draft him. Amobi asks "can I really play on two teams?"

2:14 Brady Quinn receives a phone call from Matt Leinart. He sends his condolences in the form of Paris Hilton.

2:16 Feeling desperate, Brady Quinn hires Terrell Owens as his publicist.

2:17 Brady Quinn's ex girlfriend is shown with Tom Brady. She's expecting their first child any minute now.

2:20 49ers select Patrick Willis.

2:22 Patrick Willis puts in Madden 07 to practice breaking Shaun Alexanders leg.

2:28 Bills select Marshawn Lynch.

2:29 Marv Levy's test results confirm Alzheimers'.

2:32 Marshawn Lynch picks Roger Goodells wallet.

2:33 Brian Belichick wonders to himself "do I really need any help?"

2:35 Mel Kiper takes down all previous mock drafts and then puts up his current draft chart.

2:39 Rams select Adam Carriker.

2:41 ESPN goes to find Adam Carriker to interview

2:44 Jets trade up with the Panthers.

2:48 Chad Pennington's daughter throws a bullet pass to him. Pennington throws a two-hopper back to her.

2:50 "I'm not Adam Carriker guys, I'm Grant Wistrom"

2:55 Jets select Darrelle Revis.

2:57 Upon the Jets landing Revis, the New England Patriots trade for Randy Moss, Larry Fitzgerald, and Steve Smith.

2:59 Brady Quinn's ex gives birth to Tom Brady's child.

3:01 Brady's child goes #16 overall to the Pittsburgh Steelers.

3:02 Packers mull over taking a sickly person with their pick rationalizing that if he dies during the year it means at least one mega Favre game.

3:07 Packers end up drafting Brady Quinn's body. They're working on a way to transplant Favre's soul into it.

3:13 Harrell gets a call from GB saying they'll draft him. Harrell says "C'mon Meachem, quit foolin'"

3:16 Steve Young makes a point and once again forget the camera will stay on him once he finishes talking.

3:25 Denvers trade up to get Jarvis Moss. Apparently, they thought they were trading for Randy Moss.

3:30 Jarvis Moss gets a call from his Probation Officer. Moss explains he's had no run ins with the law. The PO says "not yet".

3:31 Sports Guy is pissed at us. He can't fathom us going three and a half hours with so few Patriots blurbs.

3:37 Marvin Lewis casts Level 3 Revive on Johnny Cochran. The Cincinnati Bengals then select him with the 18th pick.

3:39 Chris Henry explodes at the announcement of the Leon Hall pick. He had already made arrangements with Dwayne Bowe to have a DD around.

3:41 Hot girl on screen. First hot girl we've seen all day.

3:43 Upon further review, we still prefer Brady Quinn.

3:45 Jacksonville is still contemplating taking Quinn. Current reason why they should: Not black

3:48 Vince Young welcomes Michael Griffin to the Titans. He asks Young if he's worried about the Madden Curse. Young is surprised.

3:49: Joe Thomas is lost at Sea.

3:50 Calvin Johnson holds a press conference. While he only used marijuana on rare occasions, crack is a different story.

3:51 Vince Young's agent reads him an article about the Madden Curse. Young tries to convince fellow scholar Lendale White to take his place.

3:52 Lendale White eats Vince Young. Titans have found their franchise left tackle.

3:56 Giants on the clock. Maz holds his breath.

3:57 Michael Irvin leaves set to go "mentor" Calvin Johnson.

3:58 Giants forfeit their pick to the Chargers as gratitude for the Eli Manning trade.

3:59 Giants draft The Dog Whisperer to keep Plaxico Burress in line.

4:00 Okay, okay, Giants draft 34 year old rookie Aaron Ross.

4:01 Steve Young continues to show concussions do effect you.

4:02 Mark May replaces Michael Irvin as least knowledgable analyst.

4:03 Jags draft Reggie Nelson.

4:04 Reggie Nelson begins octagon training with Donovan Darius

4:14 High character Calvin Johnson reveals Crips gang ties.

4:16 Danny Wilson wonders why he is yet to be drafted. He is a 99 overall in Madden.

4:17 Browns now have 2 Brady Quinn's on their roster.

4:18 Brady Quinn II plans holdout with Browns.

4:19 Mike Martz announces the following hirings as his special assistants; Jamaal Robinson, Tyrone Shaw and Mohammed X

4:20 Gaines Adams is nowhere to be found.

4:24 Gaines Adams reappears with a bag of Doritos and a steak quesadilla.

4:25 Cleveland doctors check Quinn for bed sores.

4:32 Dwayne Bowe gets the news he's been dreading, he's heading to KC.

4:33 Herm Edwards calls Bowe to tell him he should see the ball 5 or 6 times this year over 15 yards.

4:40 Patriots select Jessica Alba at the request of Tom Brady.

4:47 Brandon Merriweather drafted by New England.

4:48 Brandon Merriweather helps old women across the street.

4:51 Cleveland Browns set out on jetskis to find their new teammate Joe Thomas.

5:00 Dallas and Philly make a trade.

5:03 Jaws kills himself.

5:07 Cowboys end up taking Anthony Spencer to fill their need of guys with two first names.

5:08 The Eagles plan of assisting in the demise of Donnovan McNabb continues.

5:13 Kellen Winslow's jet ski flips over while attempting a stunt.

5:19 A shark bites off Kellen Winslow's left leg. Luckily, 75% of KDub is better than 100% of anyone else.

5:20 Meachem is pissed that anything nice he buys he can't leave in New Orleans.

5:25 Drew Rosenhaus calls Todd McShay and says he may've won this round, but next time he won't be so lucky.

5:27 Kellen Winslow kills the shark. He's a F'n soldier.

5:31 Braylon Edwards kicks Charlie Frye off the back of his jet ski.

5:33 Edwards goes back and runs him over. Frye, dead at 25.

5:34 Niners trade up for Joe Staley.

5:36 Joe Staley begins making plans to move in with Chris Kaman.

5:43 Alan Branch makes his 7th sack of the game in NCAA 07. He sends his tape off to San Diego.

5:50 Keyshawn says Jarrett reminds him of himself. Jarrett slips to the 4th round.

5:57 Chargers select WR Craig Davis.

6:00 Craig Davis sends Keyshawn a dozen blunts for lowering Jarretts stock.

6:05 Lance Briggs calls Greg Olsen. Demands he sides with him or he'll kill his first born.

6:20 Ginn wonders why Gonzalez gets Manning? Ginn would've settled for Eli.

6:27 Cardinals draft Alan Branch, who eats his jersey.

6:51 After helping the Cowboys draft the end to kill McNabb, Eagles reach for his replacement, Kevin on the Kolb. Everyone questions the picks. Jaws convinces us he's the next Favre.

7:31 Dwayne Jarrett and Keyshawn Johnson speak via cell phone. They plan on switching jerseys come game days. No one will notice the difference.

7:47 Joe Thomas is helped to shore by former forward/current pirate Bison Dele.

8:08 Giants stop torturing me for once and draft USC's Steve Smith, a veritable god among men.

8:19 Raiders trade for Lions McCown and Big Mike Williams. McCown was brought in to start the season at QB. Big Mike was brought in so Russell doesn't feel alone when he comes into training camp 50 lbs overweight.

8:26 Detroit and Cleveland making moves that make sense. Journal ends before World implodes.

Originally Posted on ChewThemOut.com by Mario Castelli and Danny Wilson

Give Me Football or Give Me Death

2007-04-27T17:11:00.000-04:00

231 years after Massachusetts delegate John Hancock placed the first and largest signature on the Declaration of Independence, hence declaring our founding fathers commitment to freedom, patriotism, and the protection of our civil liberties, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is taking monumental steps to destroy the spirit and tradition this magnificent nation was built upon.

Alright, Goodell may not be Benedict Arnold but his recent exploration of possibly hosting a Super Bowl outside the borders of the United States (London, Toronto, or Mexico City) is preposterous, absurd, and downright un-American.

Goodell, who took the commissioner reigns following Paul Tagliabue’s retirement after the 2006-2007 season, is attempting to follow the NBA’s widely successful movement to “globalize” the league. Unfortunately the NFL does not have the worldwide appeal of the NBA, which showcases foreign superstars such as China’s Yao Ming and Germany’s Dirk Nowitzki.

The game of football is an art in this country. The weekly tradition of watching our favorite players risk body, mind, and soul in an attempt to get an odd shaped ball into a 10 yard, colorfully painted end zone, has little to no competition, unless you count Sunday mass… and even then the only Hail Mary most of us know was a 48 yard pass by the Reverend Doug Flutie in 1984.

The NFL Europe was a failure of epic proportions. There is no longer a team in Spain, Italy, or anywhere besides Germany. Playing in the leagues foreign sect is as productive for a player, as a horse’s career decision to take a practice run to the glue factory. The game has no foreign appeal. The values and aspects of the game are uniquely American. From the hard hits, to the big plays, and the scantily clad cheerleaders, football has become a showcase of American society, a three hour celebration of the perks of living in freedom, freedom to tailgate, freedom to drink, and freedom to hate Terrell Owens

If Goodell makes the mistake of moving the Super Bowl, the one day of the year the many legions of American culture put aside their differences to sit together over wings, beer and Britney Spears, to another country, the heart and soul of our nation will be displaced. To start a Super Bowl at 11 pm (The Untied States and London have a five hour time difference) is something I never though I would have to comprehend and hope I never have to witness.

The league will inevitably try to tell us that hosting America’s proudest moment within the borders of a country that wouldn’t mind seeing us blown off the globe, will help spread the culture, demeanor, and passion of the American people. If I want to spread our culture I’ll grab a pack of hamburgers, travel to Iraq, and host a BBQ for the Iraqi “citizens” over the flames of a road-side bomb. That’s spreading culture; keep my football on home soil.

The reality is the rest of the world doesn’t care about football. In fact most disagree with the name of the sport as much as they loathe American’s foreign policy. Hell we were arrogant enough to take the world’s most popular game, invented in 1863, and say “Fuck football, we are going to call it soccer. Why? Because we have a better game, you might not use your foot but we are going to call it football anyway.”

So Mr. Goodell I beg of you, move exhibition games overseas, take a regular season game if you must, but leave us the one holiday American’s hold most sacred, Super Bowl Sunday. If the great patriot Patrick Henry were alive today he would put it a bit more poetically…

“Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me football or give me death!”

If you’re confused why such an atrocity would even be considered, remember we do these things because we are Americans. Over 150 nations signed the environmentally friendly Kyoto Treaty. We didn’t. Why? Because we are proud Americans, and we want our fucking football.

Originally posted at ChewThemOut.com by Andrew Minucci

The Dumb Get Richer

2007-04-27T12:15:00.000-04:00

Remember back in middle school when your mother told you not to tease the Poindexter in the front of the class because “When he grows up, he’s going to be rich.” Undoubtedly, us jocks, especially the ones like me who constantly made fun of everything about them understood. It was just the ways of the world even if you hated the way they talked, the way they walked, the way they carried themselves, and especially the way they breathed a lot louder than everyone during the tests because they just got so excited. God, I hated that.

But we picked on them because it was supposed to be how world evened out; we were blessed with coordination, good looks, and muscles, and they get good grades and became our bosses and multi-millionaires. It was a pretty fair trade-off in my opinion.

Most recently, however, this has not been the case. Doctors have no money because lawyers just won’t stop suing him for malpractice. And lawyers aren’t even rich because they need to pay their ex-wives alimony since they just didn’t learn the social skills because they were actually studying in school. This has been leaving the dorks of the world crying foul and like George Costanza with pigeons, screaming “We had a deal!”

Now the jock’ salaries have become inflated bigger than Charles Barkley in retirement. They’re making more than some CEO’s! This wasn’t the case back in the day, but today’s athletes’ salaries actually can compete with that of the owners that sign the checks. And to make things worse, now they’re beginning to take over the traditional ‘smart people’ jobs. (BOOYAH! Take that Lloyd!)

They’re the color commentators (Walt Frazier), the morning show hosts (Tiki Barber), minority owners (Michael Jordan) and going along with a recent popular trend: Authors.

You know its one thing when if Michael Jordan writes a book because we genuinely wanted to hear of his perils with mere mortality. But do you really care about the gay 12th man on the Orlando Magic from the era in between great Irish players? (Shaquille O’Neal and Tracy McGrady )

I know I don’t.

And does anybody else find it funny when Kevin Garnett hosts a “Read to Achieve” program? Well isn't that like asking Shaq for Free-throw tips? He didn’t go to college! And it wasn’t because he didn’t want to, either. He failed to get the required SAT score to go. (apparently he couldn’t remember how many N’s and T’s there were in ‘Garnett’) And it doesn’t even matter since the only thing Garnett’s read in the past seven days is his bank statement which is filled with zero’s due to checks not so surprisingly signed by another athlete: Kevin McHale. UNBELIEVABLE!

David Stern has made it known that wants to create a positive image for the NBA in the eyes of the public. That’s why Marcus Camby needed to cash in his swear jar to buy a suit. (Apparently he wears Sean John velour suits to funerals.) But you need to call a spade a spade, even if that spade is a ghettoed out tattooed up, headband/shooting sleeve/leg tights/Jewelry wearing illiterate malcontent.

But what I just didn’t understand is what exactly makes these superiorly-built athletic machines with bird-brains so intriguing to the readers of America.

Then I read an article at the paper I work for, the Staten Island Advance, that stated that the Parks Department misspelled the word ‘Yield’ on their signs. The damn government-run Parks Department sign, with its emblem so proudly painted on the sign. If the government can’t read then what could be said about its people?

But who am I to judge this on your behalf. Maybe you’d like to hear Jose’s tale of “Me Suked so MarK Mgwire put injecshuns in my but” which after the editor was through with it looked like: “I constantly pondered my options. Stay with my current skill set and fade into obsurity, or take these injections and feed my family for ten more years. Did I really have a choice? No. McGwire thought the same.” (Note: Not excerpted from the book… I never read it)

Do you really care how or why Pete Rose lied…62 years after the fact he gambled? Do you care why Jose Canseco decided to stick steroid-filled syringes up his finely-tuned ass? Do you care that John Amaechi is a former gay athlete? Of course you do. But if you asked me, I’d rather read it on ESPN than from someone who achieved their degree from the school of hard knocks.

Don’t misconstrue this as a diss to all athletes. It’s fine for me, I’m a jock. I’ve been happy to reap the benefits of a boosted grade and excused absenses from the classes I find so boring. I’m happy to reap the benefits of their (editors’) hard work and I’ll be glad to push over the Mike Lupicas of the world along the way. (I’ll shoot at your lip)

All I’m saying is that we are making these fourth-grade level writers into New York Times bestsellers… and we wonder why that ‘Yield’ sign is misspelled.

In God We Cheer: NBA Booked by Vince McMahon Part II

2007-04-25T17:07:00.000-04:00

Okay, so the playoffs have started. And just like I warned you, the suckfest has begun. Last second buzzer beaters and stellar "OMG, how the hell did that go in?" lucksack shots are nowhere to be found. Through the first ten games, the most exciting thing we've seen was Mark Cuban's angry sidelines seizure as the Mavs failed to rotate on D. Shaq has spent more energy in his post-game bitch-about-the-ref-athons then in the paint. And Kobe... oh Kobe... has apparently decided that that you only need to make shots in the first half.

So, all of this debauchery has lead to one-sided victories and me catching on some much needed sleep.

But rather than bitch... lets instead fade from our boring reality into better times...

Times where all game are slobberknockers and the storylines have even Martin Scorcese feeling inadequate.

Times where the NBA Playoffs are under the brilliant influence of... Vincent. Kennedy. McMahon.

Round 1 went like this:

Pistons over Magic in 5.
Bulls over Nets in 6.
Raptors over Wizards in 4 (LOL PWND).
Cavs over Heat in 7.
Dallas over Clippers in 4 (LOL, oops).
Lakeshow over Suns in 7.
Spurs over Nuggets in 5.
Rockets over Jazz in 6.

So bahh gawd, the pyro has already gone off... lets get down to business.

ROUND 2 - EAST

Chicago Bulls vs Toronto Raptors

Well, nobody would ever confuse these two franchises. One has arguably launched some of the greatest teams of all time (The 95 Bulls had an astounding record of 242 Wins and -160 Losses). The other...well, they've been known to suck it up a notch, despite having some big talent wear their funny Canadian uniforms. But that's the past... and here at ChewThemOut, we don't live in the past. We live in the imaginary future, baby. So forget VC and Tmac... Bosh is now the man in town.

The crowds are pumped and we're ready to have the opening tip off when all of a sudden... a familiar tune begins to echo throughout the arena...

#No chance...#

#No chance in hell, (you’ve got)#

#No chance…#

#No chance in hell, (you’ve got)#

#No chance…#

#No chance in hell, (you’ve got)#

#No chance…#

#No chance in hell!#

The crowd... well, they have no idea what the hell is going on. But I'm pretty sure they won't have to wait long, as Vince McMahon, flashy suit and cocky walk in tact, waddles to center court and grabs a mic. He says something to Wallace and Nesterovic and both teams make their way back to their benches.

VINCE McMAHON: "TOOOOOOOOOOOROOOOOONTOOOOOOOO!!!"

[Massive cheers from the crowd.]

VINCE McMAHON: "You know... I was having a bad week. But now that I'm here... well, I'm in a pretty good mood."

[More cheers.]

VINCE McMAHON: "Because I've realized... that no matter how bad things seem... not only am I billionaire... at least when it's all said and done, I don't live in a shithole of a city like each and every one of you!"

[BAHH GAWD, the heel turn! Boos from the crowd]

VINCE McMAHON: "SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUT UP! Even though I'd love to spend hours talking about how much this city... and country reaks of mediocrity... I have more important matters to address. Things have gotten stale around here... and I'm not gonna take it, damnit. It's time to shake things up a bit!"

"How many of you are excited to see the Bulls and Raptors go at it?"

[Crowd cheers!]

"Well... you're gonna get it!"

[Cheers!]

VINCE McMAHON: "Maybe. Someday. BUT NOT TONIGHT!"

[BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!]

VINCE McMAHON: "You see... the board had a meeting. And decided that we're gonna do a little re-seeding... We're gonna shake these brackets up. So Bulls... you will not be in competition tonight. In fact..."

[Vince takes a glance at the Rolex on his wrist]

VINCE McMAHON: "You might want to get your asses to the airport, because you have a flight to catch. You're gonna be in action tomorrow night... against the Detroit Pistons! Security, get their asses out of here!"

[Security ushers an angry Bulls team out of the arena. The crowd boos. Raptors coach Sam Mitchell gathers up his players and they begin to head to the back as well...]

VINCE McMAHON: "Wait a god damn minute. Where the hell do you think you're going?"

[They stop and look back at Vince.]

VINCE McMAHON: "Your night isn't over. Hardly. Tonight... on this very court... you're gonna go to battle against...

THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS!

SO GET YOUR ASSES OUT HERE!

[The Cavs, lead by LeBron come out to boos from the crowd. It takes a few seconds to settle down, but eventually the teams both reach center court and we have our tipoff.]

GAME 1 - The Raptors, having prepared for the Bulls, just don't have an answer for the Cavaliers and their monster star, King James. Bosh, the gamer he is, puts up a respectable 28 and 14, but LeBron just takes Bargnani to school, exploding for 44 pts. Cavs win easy 112-98.

GAME 2 - Different day, same story. LeBron makes the 7 foot #1 draft pick look like he belongs in the D-league, repeatedly breaking his oversized ankles. Hughes and Ilgauskas add to the onslaught. Bosh is repeatedly hacked by Gooden and Varejao, whose only purpose in this series is the 6 fouls he has next to his name. Player of the Game- Lebron James with an impressive 46/12/8. Cavs win 117-104.

GAME 3 - We're now in Cleveland for the next two games. But the setting is all that changed here. LeBron starts out hotter than the burning sensation of gonorrhea, hitting his first 4 shots from the field. Raptors are down 8 and call timeout. Bosh unloads on his teammates, screaming at the top of his lungs. Teams take the floor again and as LeBron drives through the lane, he is LEVELED by Bosh and hits the ground with a sickening thud. He screams in agony. Thousands of fans collectively hold their breath, allowing us to hear Bron Bron shoot out words you just don't want your children to hear. With Bron out, Raptors come out firing. Bargnani is $$$ from deep and puts up a respectable 24 to go with Bosh's 30 as the Raptors steal one 94-84.

GAME 4 - LeBron is back in the lineup, but only in name. Clearly playing on an injured ankle, LeBron is hesitant to take it to the rack, relying instead on his outside jumper, which is nonexistant. Hughes and Z try to carry the load... but come on, we've all seen them play. Not exactly Stockton and Malone here. Bosh explodes. Anthony Parker plays 2nd fiddle this time. Raptors win 97-91.

GAME 5 - We're back in Toronto and the LeBron continues to struggle. Bosh continues to take advantage of his injury, just stretching the court, and kicking it out to Parker and Bargnani for 3. Hughes actually puts together a great game, going for 35, single handedly keeping his team in the game. LeBron shows warrior spirit by trying to take it to the rack, but his ankle has other plans and he just cant get it done. Raptors up two, Cavs forced to foul, Calderon hits all his free throws down the stretch and Raptors pull it out 92-87.

GAME 6 - Cavs don't want to lose the series in front of their hometown crowd so they man up and start playing some D. This is enough to keep them in the game. Then in the 4th quarter... their hobbled star sucks it up... and his drives... actually start leading to dunks and layups, before he limps back on D. The man is clearly hurt... but like Popeye with spinach in his mouth, LeBron transforms into a new person whenever the ball touches his fingers. Bosh refuses to back down... and it's on. The two stars exchange buckets, but the relentlessness of James is just too much for the Big Boshman to handle, and Cavs take this one to game 7 by a victory.

GAME 7 - This one is a five star classic here in Toronto. These playas came to play tonight, boyee. Their ferocity is unmatched. Their defense is impregnable. Hard fouls. Crisp passing. Clutch shots. 42 lead changes in this one. All the roleplayers knew their roles and shut their mouths. But, since I'm a sucker for NBA stars... and lets face it, I'm writing this sumbitch, it comes down to two men:

Chris Bosh.

And LeBron James.

88-88. 88 seconds left. I've just eaten my 88th kernel of popcorn. I've washed it down with my 88th swig of Mountain Dew, effectively killing 88 sperm.

Raptors step up their D. Parker and Bosh deny James from receiving the pass. Hughes is forced to put up a 3, which is no good... but Anderson Varajeo uses his massive afro to tip the rebound to James, who puts it back with a pretty floater.

54 seconds to go. Calderon gets the ball to Bosh, who is defended by the NBA's resident Sideshow Bob, who shadows his every move. Bosh however, must have been practicing with Bargnani and Nesterovic, because he pulls off the move that single handedly allows unathletic white guys to make it to the NBA, the PUMP FAKE OF DEATH! Varajeo gets out of position and the jumper is true from 8.

The crowd is going nuts. 90-90. 36 seconds left. Hughes dribbles up court and gets it to LeBron. Raptors quickly go to the double team again... Bron keeps his head up and fires a bullet pass to Ilgauskas for the dunk --- DENIED by Nesterovic!

The two massive white men end up doing the Russian Waltz while fighting over the loose ball. Eventually, they stop and stare into each other's eyes. BAHH gawd, a Brokeback moment in the NBA! Lenny and Lodi. Billy and Chuck. John Amaechi and some chinese food deliveryman in spandex biker shorts. And now... Z AND RASHO? Just as Tim Hardaway's about to throw his totally nongay Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 1 DVDs through his TV... Rasho goes in for the kiss, but Z steps back...

"LOL TRICKED YOU!"

There's nothing more furious then a 7 foot Russian scorned and Rasho and Z both dive for the ball, but it pops up... and conveniently ends up in the hands of Lebron James!
WTF, check him for magnets!

James jumper is good from 16.

14 seconds left. Raptors inbound. Cavs set up. Calderon speedygonzalez's his ass across halfcourt, feeds the ball to Bargnani, causing Varajeo to step out to defend the 3. Bargnani swing pass goes to Bosh... and here we go.

Chris Bosh in the triple threat position... defended by King James. Thousands of flashbulbs go off.

Bosh makes his move.

The clock ticks down.

Bosh gets into the point, turns his back to the hoop. He pivots...

It could be... it is...

PUMP FAKE OF DEATH again!

LeBron catapults into the air like a retard after an ice cream truck.. Bosh jumps into him... Immediate whistle!

"FOUL #23 CLEVELAND. Shooting two!"

THE CROWD ROARS!

Bosh goes to the line. All the cheering is gone. The hometown crowd knows how important these next two free throws are. He makes 'em, the season continues. He misses them, and it's to the offseason cave, Boshman.

Bosh bends his knees and goes into his release.

SWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!

Crowd roars. Ref checks the ball back to him. Silence again. Bosh takes a long stare at the rim. He bends his knees...

...he starts his release...

*EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR*

[The sound of an airhorn cuts through the arena.]

AIRBALL!!!!!!

CAVS WIN! CAVS WIN!

The announcers flip out! "Some prick just blew an airhorn! That bastard! He just cost the Raptors their season! Who the hell did that? Camera, find him!"

[But they dont have to look very long... The cameras pan directly to a tall figure standing in the aisle of Section 14. The man has on a backwards cap and a LeBron James jersey.

It may look like a fan, but this is no fan.

The camera zooms in on his face and shows it on the big screen.

A face... all too familiar to these Toronto Fans.]

"VINCE CARTER!!! VINCE CARTER!!! THAT SON OF A BITCH VINCE CARTER JUST SCREWED THE RAPTORS!"

[The crowd notices him and begins to riot. The camera pans in even closer to his face... and before he makes his way out of the exit, fearing for his life, he mutters:

"NOW YOU GOTZ SOMETHING TO HATE!"]

ROUND 2 - EAST

Detroit Pistons vs Chicago Bulls

This one should be good. On one hand, you have the Detroit Pistons, led by the NBA's best backcourt, and the loveable, perennial First Team All-Asshole Forward Rasheed Wallace. On the other... you have the upstart bulls, led by Jeffrey from the Fresh Prince and the former Pistons defensive standout Big Ben Roethliswallace.

Game 1 - Death, heights, and public speaking. Three of the most common fears people have. However, if you polled the players on these two teams, I'm pretty sure "taking it to the rim" would be towards the top of that list. Jesus, this one is Jumperstock 2007. Billups and Hamilton use their savvy to gain the upperhand over Hinrich and Gordon. Luol Deng shows flashes, but is mostly contained by defensive stopper/bantamweight boxing champion Tayshaun Prince. With his stellar footwork, Tayshaun Prince gains the unanimous decision here, hitting the Bulls title hopes with a stinging jab as Pistons win the first game 88-79.

Game 2 - The skyrocketing prices of NBA jerseys has its impact felt in this one. As the camera pans through the electric Palace crowd, we notice that about 25% of the fans sporting jerseys still haven't upgraded from the #3 worn by Ben Wallace. Contrary to the forecast of former heavyweight champion/world-renown investment guru Mike Tyson, the Nazr Muhammed jersey just didnt fly off the shelves. Wallace fed off this support (and accompanying royalty checks) in this one as the World's Most Feared Man With Girl Hands scorches his former team for 20 pts and 14 rebounds. Rasheed Wallace looked sharp in this one early, but was T'd up twice and eventually ejected: The first for giving Kirk Hinrich a wedgie, the second for Ric Flair strutting around the arena after draining a three. In any case, Chicago ties this one up with a 96-91 victory.

Game 3 - We head out to Chicago, where the crowd is fired up by the inspiring motivational speech of former pop rapper/current presidential candidate (and Chicago native), Kanye West. The speech seems to have awaken the Bulls guards. Hinrich shows the agility a farmboy develops after years of chasing chickens as he repeatedly gets to the lane here. Pistons young forward Amir Johnson keeps his team in the game with some great defense and flashy dunks off the bench. It's not enough however, and Bulls squeak out the W, 87-82.

Game 4 - GOD DENG IT! Luol Deng is absolutely unstoppable in this one, taking the World's Palest Black Man Tayshaun Prince to school for 41 points. Carlos Delfino starts at point guard for the Pistons in this one, as Chauncey Billups had an appointment booked to look at small countries he can buy with all the money he's gonna get this offseason. Bulls roll 93-77. Bahh gawd, Detroit is up against the ropes!

Game 5 - Richard Hamilton recently opened up a Mexican restaurant in Detroit. And if this game was any indication, he's been sampling the menu a bit too much. The All Star Guard With The Nose That Never Heals certainly earns his nickname of "rip" in this one. Hammer dominates the Bulls swingman with his goya bean- propelled first step and routinely unleashes jalapeno gusts to clear space for his patented 18 foot jumper. Rip ends up with 33. Newly crowned Czar Billups returns to action and adds 19 as the Pistons win this one 104-99.

Game 6 - With Hamilton's flatulence in the rear-view mirror, the crafty Pistons needed to find a new gimmick to help them keep up with the athletically superior Bulls. So this time, they turn to their bench, specificly veteran forward/underground comedian Antonio McDyess...Clay. Reciting his hilarious nursery rhymes such as "Little Red Riding Hood Choked On Dick" and "Simon Says Your Mother's A Whore", McDyess...Clay had the Bulls team rolling in laughter. Unfortunately for them, referee Joe Crawford took offense to this and ended up ejecting the entire team (except Tyrus Thomas, cuz laughing ain't gangsta), and the Pistons pull out the forfeit victory. Series tied at 3 as we head back to the Palace.

Game 7 - This is it, baby. Game 7. One team will feel the triumph of victory, as they move one step closer to their goal of winning a world championship. The other... will return to their depressing lives as 20-something year old multi-millionaires who PLAY A FUCKING GAME FOR A LIVING!

Pistons and Bulls are two of the best defensive teams in the NBA, and they showed it in this one. What happens when you take two-parts Chris Webber's around-the-basket hustle, one-part offensive ineptitude of Tyrus Thomas, Rip Hamilton's hummingbird-like omg-if-i-stop-moving-I'm gonna-die attitude, and a pinch of Ben Gordon's knack for turning routine 16-foot jumpers into ridiculous fadeaway circus shots?

What you have... is an 8-6 Pistons lead at the half.

It's a different story in the second half, as we get to experience what will go down as one of the greatest battles in history. We've had the Spartans vs the Persians... Ali vs Frazier... Sonic the Hedgehog vs Dr. Robotnik... and now, Wallace vs Wallace.

The best friends and former partners in crime went to war in this one: The Bull vs The Piston. The Corn Rows vs The Bald Spot/Grey Patch/Permanent Piece of Gum -- What the hell IS that thing?. Ben vs. Rasheed.

Known as one of the best defenders in the league, Wallace was able to chase Wallace around the court whenever Wallace touched the ball, forcing Wallace to drop back for 3-balls. Unfortunately for Wallace, Wallace was able to develop the hot hand and hit these threes. Eventually, Wallace adjusted to Wallace's deadly perimeter game and began to come rumbling after Wallace like a defensive end after Seahawks backup quarterback Seneca Wallace. So, the Wallaces banged in the paint as free agent Gerald Wallace watched from the crowd while listening to the late great Christopher Wallace (Biggie for all you white folk) on his iPod.

With 5 fouls a piece from beating the crap out of each other, the teams big men need to defer to their guards down the stretch and they go off.

Billups for 3. True. Gordon responds. Hamilton from 19. Matched by Hinrich.

Two minutes left to go... It's crunch time.

Detroit leans heavily on Mr. Big Shot. And he delivers.

But Chicago doesn't fade away. Their offense comes from that wacky Argentinian Andres Nocioni... who develops a touch from downtown that hasn't been seen since Hersey Hawkins in NBA Live 95. Dagger after dagger after dagger.

With the game tied at 46, Detroit adjusts by putting their stopper, Tayshaun Prince with his Dhalsimlike arms in tact, on Nocioni. This forces the ball out to Ben Gordon. Gordon drives...

DENIED BY WEBBER! ... who impressively managed to go from the NBA's Most Grossly Overpaid Player to the NBA's Most Underpaid player in a span of about a month.

The Webber rejection leads to a Detroit fast break. Carlos Delfino, replacing Richard Hamilton who needed to clear the fog off his facemask, goes up for a layup...

... BUT IS DECAPITATED BY THE BONY WRISTS OF LUOL DENG!

...Literally. Fatality timeout is called by the refs, and after a brief moment of silence (sponsored by GoDaddy.com), Hamilton checks back into the game and shoots the 2 free throws in memory of his fallen homie.

Pistons lead 48-46. 70 seconds of the clock. Huge possession. The Pistons man up on defense. Ben Gordon does that thing where he dribbles a whole lot but doesn't really go anywhere. The shot clock winds down. He drives...

Webber fills the lane, in position to take the charge...

...But dishes behind him at the last second to...

... TYRUS THOMAS?!?!

The rookie forward quickly makes the sign of the cross before unleashing a prayer...

...a knuckleball that ends up making its way towards the hoop, luckily hitting the rim...

...bouncing upward, hitting off the top of the hoop...

...rolling around along the top of the hoop...

...and somehow, some way...

... going through the net!

49-48 Bulls. Tyrus Thomas does a celebratory cartwheel and asks for a microphone... forgetting that he's supposed to be covering Rasheed Wallace on defense. Prince throws the full court heave to Rasheed and he slams it home.

50-49 Pistons. 44 seconds left. Hinrich quickly dribbles up the court. He feeds the ball to Deng, who hits a cutting Ben Wallace...

Who is HACKED by Chris Webber, preventing a dunk.

The Palace crowd goes crazy, trying to make life a living hell for their former All-Star center turned divisional rival: Benedictarnold Wallace. They bang their thundersticks. They yell and scream. They hold up signs with difficult 4th grade level algebra equations. Everything in their power to prevent their tinyhanded nemesis from making these shots.

Wallace at the line... and he shoots his first free throw two-handed underhand granny style.

It's good! The crowd boos.

He takes his second shot... and it too is good! The man so incredibly loved by the Pistons fans during their title run... has just put two nails in the coffin of their 2007 title hopes... in the form of two homosexual looking free throws.

Bulls lead 51-50. 36 seconds on the clock. It's all going to come down to this possession.

Billups dribbles up the court. He passes to Rasheed who is guarded by Thomas. Rasheed finds Hamilton coming off a Webber screen... Hamilton stops... He snaps... he crackles.. he pops...

HE GETS STUFFED BY BEN WALLACE!

An all out scramble for the ball breaks out, and is eventually won by the outstretched arms of Dhalsim Prince. Pistons reset. Twelve seconds left on the shot clock.

Billups with the ball. Gordon defends. Chauncey looks up. Nobody's open. He stutter-steps. Stops. Lets loose a three. Can Mr. Big Shot do it again?

The ball flies toward the rim in perfect rotation...

...Every single pair of eyes in the arena is locked on to the hoop...

... Well, except for that guy sitting behind the busty blonde in the Pistons t-shirt two sizes too small, but nonetheless...

... it hits the rim...

... AND BOUNCES OUT TO BE SNAGGED BY BEN WALLACE! NO GOOD! NO GOOD!

...What the? What the hell is going on?

[Cue the sound of electrical failure.]

As soon as Wallace lands after bottling up the board, the PALACE lights go out!

The crowd oohs and ahhs... what the hell is happening here?

[But mere seconds later, they are to find out. The lights come back on. And as they do, the thousands in attendance and millions watching at home discover a shocking situation.

That basketball which was just, a split second ago, secured away in the monster arms of Ben Wallace?

It's not there.

In fact, Ben Wallace isn't holding a damn thing as he is LAID OUT in the paint... next to the unconscious body of his teammate Tyrus Thomas.]

WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?

[In addition to the lifeless bodies, there are two other men in the paint, both holding something of note.

The first man... standing no more than two feet from the hoop... is Rasheed Wallace, holding the leather basketball previously in Ben's possession. Rasheed has a startled look on his face, as he looks towards the second man...

A man whose infamous actions here at the Palace will NEVER be forgotten...

A man who is a self-admitted former special ed student...

A man who aspires to be a hip hop mogul...

A man who is craziest thing to ever come out of St John's University...

And finally... a man who is a well-known enemy of Ben Wallace.]

RON ARTEST!!! BAHH GAWD!!! IT'S RON ARTEST!!!

[Indeed it is. And the troubled Sacramento Kings guard/forward greets Rasheed with a nod and a smile. In his hands? A cold, steel folding chair.]

DID HE JUST? DID RON ARTEST DO THIS?!?

[Meanwhile, Rasheed looks down at his former teammate's body and doesn't know what to do... The clock ticks down:

6!

CROWD: "SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!"

5!

CROWD: "SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!"

[Rasheed's glance continues to turn from his fallen friend... to Artest... to the hoop. He shakes his head in disgust.]

4!

CROWD: "SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!"

3!

CROWD: "SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!

[And just like that... Rasheed's look of disgust transforms... into a sly smirk. He nods at Artest, spits on Big Ben's body... takes one dribble, rises...

And stuffs it home!]

2!

1!

*BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT*

PISTONS WIN! PISTONS WIN! BAHH GAWD, THE PISTONS WIN THANKS TO RON ARTEST!

[Rasheed and Artest embrace in a hug. The crowd... who were no strangers in voicing their hate of this man... are shouting in unison:]

"RON!"

"RON!"

"RON!"

"RON!"

"RON!"

"RON!"

"RON!"

MAHH GAWD, THIS IS PANDEMONIUM! WE'RE OUT OF TIME! MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON OUR NBA SOULS!

[Credits roll.]
-----------------------------------

Check back soon for the Western Conference semi-finals.

Toon Them Out: Imus

2007-04-24T14:45:00.001-04:00

Toon Them Out: Garnett Dead End

2007-04-24T14:37:00.001-04:00

In God We Cheer: NBA Booked by Vince McMahon Part I

2007-04-15T17:08:00.000-04:00

With the NBA playoffs on the horizon, we're in for a few weeks of excitement followed by several months of screaming obscenities. For those of you with teams that still have a shot to hoist the trophy, congratulations, and I hope you die in a greasefire. For the rest of you, I saved you a seat on the bus. And as we slash through our wrists like Stephon Marbury through the open lane, remember kids, it's down the road not across the street.

But, as the bitter fucks that we are, we can take solace in one fact. Nobody's going to be happy this year. Rule 8 of The Big Book of Sports Rules (available from Fuckyourmother Publishing) dictates "No sport is allowed two consecutive years of playoff pwnage, or else Pacman Jones unleashes his wrath on small Cambodian children. Again."

And since last year's NBA playoffs were considered by many as the best in 20 years (Fuck you, Pat Riley), it could only mean one thing...

This year's playoffs are gonna suck!

Not just mild suck either. I'm talking Texas sorority girl after nine games of beer pong suck. I'm talking Shaq at the free throw line suck. I'm talking final season of Family Matters suck (Fuck you, lightskinned Harriet). Hell, I'm even talking TBS Braves announcers suck.

Lets fucking face it, as far as sports go, here in 2007, suck is the new black. We had a snoozer of a World Series between the TIGERS and CARDINALS (LOL @ Carlos Beltran). We had a boring ass Super Bowl where Rex Grossman defeated the rest of his team 29-17. We had the NCAA Final Bore where Florida blew out Ohio State, despite Greg Oden being more active than the Cincinnati Bengals legal team.

So before we tune into these weeks of inevitable one-sided series and star player injuries, lets instead look at what would've happened if the NBA playoffs were controlled by God himself...

The man responsible for Creating the Earth...

The skies...

And Wrestlemania.

Mr. Vincent Kennedy McMahon of the WWE!

If the almighty Vince and his writing team... the team that brought us such classics as Hulk Hogan, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and The Repo Man... were to storm into David Stern's office and launch a mafia style takeover... here's how Round 1 would go:

ROUND ONE: East

DETROIT PISTONS VS ORLANDO MAGIC

A classic matchup in the wrestling world: The crafty veterans vs the physically imposing young monsters. I can almost hear Jim Ross seizuring at the mouth "BAHH GAWD, THAT DWIGHT HOWARD IS A HOSS!" And indeed he is, but it isn't his time yet. The WWE has been known to cram their proven stars down our throats until we literally REFUSE to accept them, and that just isn't the case with Detroit yet. Expect the Magic to shine in a few moments as Howard shows off his freakish athleticism. It'll look like Detroit is down and hurting, but when Orlando goes in for the finish, it turns out Detroit was only playing possum and rolls them up for the pinfall victory.

Results: Detroit Pistons in 5 games.
Wrestling Equivalent: Ric Flair Vs Umaga

CHICAGO BULLS VS NEW JERSEY NETS

Basically a flipflop of the Detroit/Orlando series. Jason Kidd is a fan favorite who has put on a ton of exciting performances over his long NBA Career. Recently, he survived a ferocious feud with Knee Injury. He's also rebounding from one of the feuds of the year, where he lost his Hardcore title to wife Juwanna Kidd. In the end, this is just too much for the crafty veteran to overcome, and he's gonna do the J-O-B to the impressive upstart Chicago Bulls.

Results: Bulls in 6.
Wrestling Equivalent: Randy Orton vs Chris Benoit

TORONTO RAPTORS VS WASHINGTON WIZARDS

This one's a squash. Toronto is a team of young studs on the rise and ready to step into the bigtime. However, because they play in Canada and don't have any blazing personalities on their team, they're overlooked by a lot of fans. Washington Wizards are a poor remake of a team that was once formidable, but is nothing without its two best players. Raptors tear through their weak opposition here and win it with a crippling running powerbomb at 1:30.

Results: Raptors sweep.
Wrestling Equivalent: Bobby Lashley vs Legion of Doom 2.0 (Droz and Overweight Animal)

MIAMI HEAT VS CLEVELAND CAVALIERS

This is the premiere matchup on the road to NBAmania. On one hand, you have the Miami Heat, grizzled veterans with players that can dominated for ages. WHATCHA GONNA DO BROTHER, WHEN SHAQ-A-MANIA RUNS ATCHA WITH THE LARGEST HANDS IN THE WORLD? What you would do... is cower in fear. But not the Cavaliers. Cavaliers face tons of criticism as many feel their star player, LeBron James has not done what needs to be done to lead his team onto the next step. Well, consider that step taken here, as the Cavs stand tight and end go toe-to-toe with the legendary heat. Right by Miami. Returned by Cleveland. Clothesline by Miami. Cleveland returns the favor again! BAHH GAWD, THIS ONE'S A SLOBBERKNOCKER. Wade and Shaq dominate the first two games. LeBron fires back to take games 3 and 4, going for 40 each time. In Game 5 LeBron explodes for 45... but the effort is futile as the constant attack of Shaq and Wade and co wears the Cavs down. It looks as if Cavs have no chance as Lebron is beaten to a pulp, but in Game 6, LeBron's old running buddies Larry Hughes and Zydrunas Ilgauskas finally wake up and will the team to victory. In game 7... with the world watching, the trio turns in a 3 on 5 performance reminiscent of when the Texas Tornado, Ultimate Warrior and Hogan defeated the Million Dollar Team at Survivor Series. Lebron ends up hitting the final shot and finally earns some respect as he steps forward in his career.

Results: Cavs in 7
Wrestling Equivalent: Hulk Hogan vs John Cena

ROUND 1: West.

DALLAS MAVERICKS VS LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS

Clippers are a team that have sucked for so long. And then they finally put a few upset wins together... and then BAM, reality gives them a Juwanna Kidd-esque bitch slap. Dallas on the other hand is exciting and relentless in their pursuit of the title. They don't have patience for jabronies such as the Clippers, so expect them to take that NBA basketball (leather, not that pussy microfiber one) shine it up real nice with the sweat from Josh Howard's shiny forehead... and stick it straight up LA's candy ass!

Results: Dallas sweep.
Wrestling Equivalent: The Rock Vs Barry Horowitz

PHOENIX SUNS vs LOS ANGELES LAKERS

Boy, this one has it all. Tons of star power. Talent. And blood boiling discontent for their opponent. This is the sequel to last year's Series of the Year and is going to be a war. Suns are led by reigning MVP of the league Steve Nash. A calm, collected Canadian that is the "excellence of execution" at what he does. On the other hand, you have the Lakers. NBA's darlings led by the flashy, controversial White Bitch slayer, Kobe Bryant. Love him or hate him, the man can ball and puts asses in the seats. He fights as hard as anyone in the league... which allows him to make this one a war. It comes down to a crucial Game 7, where Kobe's teammates step up to keep them in the game, and Kobe and Nash trade daggers in the 4th quarter.

96-96.

It all comes down to a crucial possession. Bryant on Nash. The clock runs down... Nash fakes left... goes right... and using his veteran savvy finds a wide open Amare Stoudemire for the dunk! 98-96 Suns.

Five seconds left.

Odom inbounds the ball to a bloodied and exhausted Kobe Bryant. He looks ahead, doubled by Nash and Raja Bell. At this point, his teammates are irrelevent. There isn't a sumbitch in the world who doesn't know who's taking this shot. It's Kobe time. He goes left... Does that funky super elevation shot from 25 feet. He releases. The ball looks good coming out of his hands...

... the buzzer sounds as it hits the rim...

... it rattles around...

... circles round and round...

...And rims out!

SUNS WIN! SUNS WIN! BAHH GAWD THE SUNS WIN!

BUT WAIT! In a stunning turn of events, Dick Bavetta opens up a can of whoopass on his whistle. He makes the motion.

“FOUL, #13 PHOENIX”.

The crowd is LIVID!

“BULLLLLLLLLLSHIIIIIIIIIT!”

“BULLLLLLLLSHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!”

The announcers are stunned. Replays are shown to try and show the phantom foul, which is indeed a phantom foul, as Nash’s arms come down well short of Bryant.

Nonetheless, #24 is at the line shooting 3. And you should all know what happens here.

First shot: It’s true.

Second shot: IT’s true.

Third shot: It’s damn true!

Lakers run off the court in victory as the crowd begins to riot.

Results: Lakers in 7.
Wrestling Equivalent: Bret “Hitman” Hart vs “Heartbreak Kid” Shawn Michaels, Montreal Screwjob

SAN ANTONIO SPURS Vs DENVER NUGGETS

This one isn’t personal, but you’d never know by watching it. Spurs have done it all, and after a brief stepdown from the main event, are back and ready to open up a can of whoopass on all comers. Denver is another team that feels disrespected. They also, are the most ghetto team in the NBA, led by cowardly heel Carmelo Anthony (fresh off a feud with Nate “Dink” Robinson) and his veteran sidekick Allen Iverson. When it’s all said and done, Denver puts off a valiant effort... but San Antonio’s stars make too many sweet passes

WHAT?!

Duncan hits too many hook shots.

WHAT?!

Parker nails a few too many floaters.

WHAT?!

Bruce Bowen’s stifling D holds Melo to too few points.

WHAT?!

And the San Antonio Spurs end up whoopin’ Denver’s ass all over Texas. And that’s the bottom line... cuz Fabricio Oberto said so!

Results: Spurs in 5.
Wrestling Equivalent: “Stone Cold” Steve Austin vs. Booker T

UTAH JAZZ Vs HOUSTON ROCKETS

Another interesting matchup. Utah has a ton of talent and had potential and is finally realizing that. Houston on the other hand has two of the most dominant players in the NBA, but for some reason, perhaps they killed a few hundred kittens in their past lives, just aren’t able to stay healthy. When they do, they can dominate anyone. And that’s what happens here. Despite a valiant effort by the Jazz, the one-two punch of Tmac and Yao delivers a couple of spike piledrivers that Utah just isnt able to recover from. They still have a bright future ahead of them and eventually will shine on the big stage.

Results: Rockets in 6.
Wrestling Equivalent: Ken Kennedy vs Triple H

So that’s it, bitches. Round 1 is in the books... Tune in next week for Round 2, cuz business is about to pick up as the Road to NBAmania continues.

Round 2 Matchups:

Pistons vs Cavaliers
Bulls vs Raptors
Mavericks vs Rockets
Spurs vs Lakers

Originally posted at ChewThemOut.com by Mario Castelli

Move Over Evander, The UFC is the Real Deal

2007-04-15T12:14:00.001-04:00

Over the last couple years, Dana White tried his darndest to shove the UFC down our throats; comparing it to a “real” version of professional wrestling. Marketing ploy or not, I was not sold.

I was a wrestling fan -- a HUGE wrestling fan. In fact, I and the guys bringing you this site were the same ones that brought you the news and opinion site ProWrestlingHeat.com... and you know what, Even I stopped watching four years ago.

Maybe I just outgrew it. Maybe it was because of Torrie Wilson making out with Billy Kidman on TV (and not me). Heck, maybe it was because I got a girlfriend. Mainly I got tired of the theatrics. I got tired of the same old act week in and week out.

Wrestling in the early 1990’s was about the actual wrestling. I loved it. In the early Y2J (Chris Jericho reference) it became about the show. Cheesy storylines that would make even the writers of General Hospital cringe. Screw the show, I wanted the sport: the sport that was taken away from me.

So, I responded by taking away the hundreds of dollars I spent each year on fifty-dollar pay-per-views and t-shirts with catchy sayings on them (If ya smell what Jason Paderon is cookin'!)

Still, despite no longer having me to boost its bottom line, the WWE has survived. As it turns out, this stylized crap of a product they were churning out had an audience after all: Guys who loved theatre, but were too macho to watch the interpretive dance version of the Lion King on Broadway.

The once thin line between sport and sports entertainment apparently underwent a steroids cycle that would make Barry Bonds jealous.

There was a glaring need for an alternative.

For the real fight fans, there was boxing, but we haven’t truly cared since Tyson was simultaneously biting human appendages while legitimizing careers. And Manny Pacquiao is still about 100 pounds too small and 100% too Filipino to become the next great American Champion. So where are we to turn?

People wonder why boxing is in such a decline and it could really be narrowed to three things. Lack of Americans, a lack of clear, crowned, undisputed champions and greedy promoters who killed the sport by pushing unready, B-rate boxers into our main events against champions who should have been kicked out of the sport a half-decade ago. Whoopee!

So just like wrestling and Fonzie, boxing jumped the shark. And all the while, business shark and Andre Agassi look-alike Dana White was circling his prey in preperation of a strike. He knew that his product, the Ultimate Fighting Championship, was about to take a Don King's afro-sized bite out of 18-40 year old male demographic that wasn't having its testosterone-driven need for compelling characters and brutal violence cared for.

Boy, did he bite.

The UFC is about as pure as you’re going to get. It’s filled with big named Americans that the public relates to like Chuck Liddell or Ken Shamrock and they do get their ass kicked by no-name up and comers when they aren’t prepared or are too old. There is only one champion in each division, and three months later, they’re matched up against another up-and-come who’s hungrier and more skilled than they were when they got the belt.

And they have their dominant fighters, like Matt Hughes, who despite being thrown in the ring with younger, faster guys, would always find a way to win. After Matt Hughes pretty much had his way with the Welterweight division for five years (insert Kobe Bryant joke here, I am not going there), he had a French-speaking wake up call from Georges St. Pierre, basically a non-gay, tougher version of Jean Girard from Talladega Nights.

I too was about to get a wake up call as I found myself watching the UFC 69 Pay-Per-View at my sister's house...

GSP fresh off his steady disposal of Matt Hughes, was matched up against Long-Island’s own 5'6" bad boy, Matt “The Terra” Serra, who earned a Rocky-esque title shot of a lifetime by winning the Utlimate Fighter Comback season.

I’m not going to pose as a real UFC fan. I’m not going to pretend like I order and analyze every Pay Per View like I did with Wrestling in my pre- and early post-pubescent years. I'm really not to sure why they don’t just repeatedly kick each other in the balls until one screams for their mother.

But what I did see was a guy who was supposed to be the future in GSP matched up against a guy who, with four losses, was out of Mixed Martial Arts all together before “The Comeback” season of The Ultimate Fighter resurrected his career.

Oh yeah, Serra was also about five inches shorter, ten years older, and trained with a guy nicknamed Drago (although Drago got his ass kicked on the undercard). (ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY!)

OK, so now Serra was on the biggest stage of his career, and was so much of an underdog that it seemed Joe Rogan (yeah, the Fear Factor guy) repeatedly tried to force-feed us Matt Serra’s MMA background like it was a hog testicle on Fear Factor.

Then it began. A thumbs up from Serra and Big John McCarthy’s signature “Let’s get it on!” started what should have been GSP’s easy stepping stone victory back to Matt Hughes.

The fight started and after 3 minutes, GSP slipped, the size differential disappeared. Boom! Boom! GSP Stumbles! A flurry of punches! More Stumbling… BOOM! GSP’s DOWN! SERRA WINS THE BELT!

Holy shit!

No way did Rocky just happen for real.

Then it struck me, as Matt Serra somersaulted around the octagon. The harshened reality set in. This could not happen in boxing anymore.

Not when Evander Holyfield and Roy Jones Jr., both of whom should have bowed out of the sport eight years ago, can literally still fight each other. Not when Antonio Tarver wiped the floor with Roy Jones Jr. in the peak of his prime, then went on to get his own ass handed to him by AARP spokesman Bernard Hopkins. Not when the boxing world still tries to convince me that Chris Byrd’s defensive style is reminiscent to that of Mohammed Ali in his prime when its probably more accurately compared to my little brother’s “No, stop!”-screaming, open hand-slapping and repeated bicycle-kicking defensive style he exhibits when I get pissed. (That’s right Jordan… be scared)

But it happened. And you know what; despite the semi-enormous payday that Dana White wanted from Hughes-Frenchie II, he very well might have done something that fight could never have accomplished: Legitimize his arguments.

Now I believe you Dana White, even though I don’t think you really believed yourself at times. But there you go. The any-man average Joe... the nine-to-one underdog...the pizza-loving chubby kid from Long Island... just defeated the guy who beat Goliath, setting up the inevitable Serra-Hughes (Sarah Hughes? The figure skater?? No the Fight! Oh, Boy! You better come up with something better then that Dana!)

But the difference is, at least for me, you can bet that I’ll be glued to the boob-tube watching David v. Goliath II in HDTV. Not even Don King could have done that.

Jason Paderon is the co-founder, columnist, and cartoonist for ChewThemOut.com. Additionally, he was a news reporter for the Staten Island Advance. He can be reached at paderon@chewthemout.com.