Short shorts come up short

Despite playing in their boxers, the Lakers still lost 110-90 on Sunday. Actually, it was retro night at the Staples Center and the Lakers sported the ol' Stocktons for a half. To fake quote Kobe Bryant, "The short shorts didn't bother me at all. I actually liked them. No homo."

Giants-Pats Game Journal

15:00 - Giants win toss. Eli Manning is instantly disappointed because he read that they’d only get three breaks the entire game and they wasted one on the coin toss.

1st Quarter

14:21 – Eli Manning throws a 52-yard completion to Plaxico Burress. Although disappointed that he overthrew Ellis Hobbs by 2-yards, he shows no change in emotion.

13:36 – Manning incomplete to Steve Smith. The Giants challenge. They thought he was the Panthers receiver.

11:10 – Eli passes to Brandon Jacobs for a 7-yard touchdown. Giants 6, Patriots 0. Eli assumes it was incomplete and stays on for the extra point. Confused, he kicks the field goal anyway much to the dismay of regular kicker Lawrence Tynes who had been betting against the Giants all season. NYG 7, NE 0.

10:52 – Brady steps onto field for his first game action. Scorekeeper accidentally tallies on a TD by habit. NYG 7, NE 7. The scorekeeper is immediately fired then hired by the Patriots as cameraman. Disgraced NBA ref, Tim Donaghy takes over game-fixing duties.

9:04 – Tom Brady is incomplete to Ben Watson only because if he didn’t, everybody would know he was a machine.

5:24 – Gostkowski kicks 37-yard field goal after a six minute explanation of what a field goal was. NYG 7, NE 3.

3:48 – First Giants three and out of the game. Punter Jeff Feagles celebrates the longest he’s had to stay out of the game in a Giants uniform. He punts to Wes Welker who takes a knee after he finds out that return yards don’t count in Fantasy Football, so it won’t hurt Jason Paderon’s team.

2:51 – Tom Brady is sacked by newly-signed Giants linebacker Bridget Moynahan. Brady has nostalgic moment of his first Peewee Football Game - the last time he was sacked. Not knowing how to react, referee Tim Donaghy, decides to penalize Corey Webster for illegal contact with Tom Brady's flashbacks and the sack is negated.

2nd Quarter

15:00 - Brady TD pass to Randy Moss. Extra point good. NYG 7, NE 10. Randy Moss spits in humble pie and serves it to a hungry Reuben Droughns.

14:30 – Domenik Hixon, the guy who hit Kevin Everett, temporarily paralyzes the Patriots undefeated season by returning the ensuing kickoff for a touchdown. (Well sorry, but I had to put that in.) Eli Manning throws ball across the field to Tedy Bruschi out of force of habit. NYG 14, NE 10.

10:07 – Brady completes 67th pass of the game to Wes Welker. Welker precedes to trade himself to whomever Jason Paderon’s fantasy team is playing, then kicks the extra point. NYG 14, NE 13.

7:50 – Giants three and out. Feagles punts into end zone.

2:04 – Gostkowski 37 yard field goal is good. NYG 14, NE 16.

1:54 – Eli Manning passes short to the sure-handed veteran, Amani Toomer. Unluckily for the Giants, three weeks ago Amani was replaced with his identical evil twin, Ronde, who drops the pass.

0:18 – Eli 3-yard TD pass to Kevin Boss. NYG 21, NE 16.

End of half. Eli Manning calls brother Peyton and asks how to not blow the game. Peyton replies, "Hand off to Jacobs." Eli misses message as Archie Manning comes in locker room to spank Eli for sneaking cookies before dinner.

3rd Quarter

15:00 – Angry Giants fans riot outside building. They want their tickets back and claim to have the REAL Eli Manning held hostage.

13:34 – Patriots three and out for the first time in the season. Chis Hanson, host of "To Catch a Predator", discovers he is the punter and punts the ball like the dirty pedofile it is.

9:22 – Eli manning 19-yard TD pass to Plaxico Burress. NYG 28, NE 16. Even Eli appears to show a surprised face although it is later discovered to be a “Tummy ache” from all the cookies.

4:06 – Lawrence Maroney runs for a 6-yard TD after every Giants player, coach, and equipment manager covers Randy Moss’s fade route. NYG 28, NE 23. Tom Coughlin ponders whether or not THIS was the time to pull his starting quarterback from the game.

0:37 – Peyton calls Eli to make sure he got the message that he should hand off the ball to Jacobs for the rest of the game. Eli responds by throwing five of the next six, stopping the clock before Jeff Feagles punts. Referee Tim Donaghy is shown taking candy from a baby.

4th Quarter

12:55 – Chris Hanson prays to Tom Brady, asking to let him punt again. Brady grants his wish.

12:46 – Eli hands off to the RB, Invisible Man. Eli recovers the fumble after tripping over his shoe laces.

11:42 – Feagles punts.

11:25 – Tom Brady throws 65-yard incomplete pass to single-covered Randy Moss.

11:15 – Giants coaches pop open champagne in celebration; unaware that the game continued. Meanwhile Tom Brady throws exact same pass to an open Randy Moss for record breaking touchdown. Happiness ensues on both sidelines until the Giants realize that they’re losing again. NYG 28, NE 31.

11:00 – Hixon returns the kick and is pushed out of bounds at the NY 38. Ronde Toomer watches the Patriots’ Brandon Meriweather trip and fall in front of him. Referee Tim Donaghy, fresh from eating some Humble Pie in front of the last episode of Seinfeld calls a 15-yard “Good Samaritan" Penalty.

9:59 – Eli Manning gets picked for the first time by Ellis Hobbs after overthrowing Plaxico Burress. Eli is unhappy but not because he was intercepted but because he was picked last yet again. He stomps his feet as he walks off the field.

4:46 – Lawrence Maroney continues to piss off everybody who drafted him in the 1st round of Fantasy Football drafts by scoring his second TD of the day in a game that means absolutely nothing to Fantasy. NYG 28, NE 38.

4:18 - Manning goes into no-huddle offense in which he thrives. Unfortunately for the Giants, he memorized the “Kill clock” playbook by mistake.

1:08 - Eli completes TD pass to Burress. NYG 35, NE 38.

1:08 – Lawrence Tynes lets out an evil laugh before kicking the onside kick gently into Mike Vrabel’s waiting arms, ending the game.

The Jets' Future

I am a Jets fan, and this season has been miserable. But to be honest, it was expected. Last season, they were a team devoid of any real talent that far and away exceeded expectations; the fact that they even made the playoffs was a pleasant surprise.

I still believe Mangini is one of the best coaches in the league, even if he is a snitch, and if the Jets get a much-needed infusion of talent, they could be competitive (screw the Patriots, they don’t count).

All this said, what do I believe the Jets need? Help on the lines. The Jets’ two biggest weaknesses are their offensive and defensive lines. The LAST thing the Jets need is Darren McFadden. I am sick of people who believe he should be drafted.

Look at the fall of Shaun Alexander, Larry Johnson and Reggie Bush, among others. Due to the slotting system, the Jets would have to invest $35 million dollars and five years on Darren McFadden, give or take. Let the Patriots take him, who cares? Running backs get abused, and are oft-injured. Now yes, LT and AD are two talents that give one pause, but let’s consider: they run behind fantastic offensive lines, and one can not discount the importance of that. Plus, between the Raiders, Packers and Buccaneers all showed that quality running backs are findable.

Now, I am not taking away anything from running backs, but the franchise tag price of running backs is FALLING as salaries in general increase. What does this indicate? That GMs are realizing, slowly, that while the skill position players get all the press, they don’t win all the games. You know why Peyton Manning and Tom Brady continue to dominate? Because it is a lot easier to throw a ball when you aren’t on your back, just ask David Carr (okay, bad example. He sucks anyway). Ask Marc Bulger how important the offensive line is. The problem is the OL doesn’t sell; they have no real statistics and they are only noticed when they aren’t doing well.

If the Jets are smart, they will do everything possible to sign Alan Faneca, one of the best LGs in the league. The Steelers can not afford him and he has no interest in taking a “hometown discount” (an idiotic idea if I ever heard one, but that’s a complaint for another day), and so will hit free agency. The Jets need him. They have a young offensive line that could use a veteran presence to shore them up.

So if not Darren McFadden, whom should the Jets draft? Well, I don’t know college football well, but an impact DE would be ideal. The Jets’ pass rush is pathetic; they get no pressure unless they blitz, leaving them vulnerable to big plays. Also, the Jets rush defense was in the bottom portion of the league, and that needs to be changed. If teams can run all over you, you lose. The Jets biggest weakness on defense is that their defensive line doesn’t penetrate the line of scrimmage, giving quarterbacks and running backs room to find flaws in the defense and attack. Defensive line help is imperative to fixing this.

So Jets, DON’T draft McFadden. You were smart two years ago and bypassed Leinart, understanding then that you needed offensive line help. In fact, HOPE the Patriots take McFadden. Let them invest so much of their salary cap to an unnecessary player, maybe meaning they can’t resign some of their more valuable players. Take a DE.

The Patriots may be perfect, but that doesn't mean they're perfect

Just because they had the perfect regular season doesn't mean we can't make fun of the way they look. During the game I just noticed a few similarities in likenesses...




Shrek and Junior Seau










Pat Patriot and Tedy Bruschi






Anybody else notice any similarities? E-Mail me at paderon@chewthemout.com and I'll put them up.

Web Gems: "The Nash"

It really belongs in the Web Gems section on the right bar, but it really is too good to pass up. I love DrunkAthlete.com!