Short shorts come up short

Despite playing in their boxers, the Lakers still lost 110-90 on Sunday. Actually, it was retro night at the Staples Center and the Lakers sported the ol' Stocktons for a half. To fake quote Kobe Bryant, "The short shorts didn't bother me at all. I actually liked them. No homo."

Giants-Pats Game Journal

15:00 - Giants win toss. Eli Manning is instantly disappointed because he read that they’d only get three breaks the entire game and they wasted one on the coin toss.

1st Quarter

14:21 – Eli Manning throws a 52-yard completion to Plaxico Burress. Although disappointed that he overthrew Ellis Hobbs by 2-yards, he shows no change in emotion.

13:36 – Manning incomplete to Steve Smith. The Giants challenge. They thought he was the Panthers receiver.

11:10 – Eli passes to Brandon Jacobs for a 7-yard touchdown. Giants 6, Patriots 0. Eli assumes it was incomplete and stays on for the extra point. Confused, he kicks the field goal anyway much to the dismay of regular kicker Lawrence Tynes who had been betting against the Giants all season. NYG 7, NE 0.

10:52 – Brady steps onto field for his first game action. Scorekeeper accidentally tallies on a TD by habit. NYG 7, NE 7. The scorekeeper is immediately fired then hired by the Patriots as cameraman. Disgraced NBA ref, Tim Donaghy takes over game-fixing duties.

9:04 – Tom Brady is incomplete to Ben Watson only because if he didn’t, everybody would know he was a machine.

5:24 – Gostkowski kicks 37-yard field goal after a six minute explanation of what a field goal was. NYG 7, NE 3.

3:48 – First Giants three and out of the game. Punter Jeff Feagles celebrates the longest he’s had to stay out of the game in a Giants uniform. He punts to Wes Welker who takes a knee after he finds out that return yards don’t count in Fantasy Football, so it won’t hurt Jason Paderon’s team.

2:51 – Tom Brady is sacked by newly-signed Giants linebacker Bridget Moynahan. Brady has nostalgic moment of his first Peewee Football Game - the last time he was sacked. Not knowing how to react, referee Tim Donaghy, decides to penalize Corey Webster for illegal contact with Tom Brady's flashbacks and the sack is negated.

2nd Quarter

15:00 - Brady TD pass to Randy Moss. Extra point good. NYG 7, NE 10. Randy Moss spits in humble pie and serves it to a hungry Reuben Droughns.

14:30 – Domenik Hixon, the guy who hit Kevin Everett, temporarily paralyzes the Patriots undefeated season by returning the ensuing kickoff for a touchdown. (Well sorry, but I had to put that in.) Eli Manning throws ball across the field to Tedy Bruschi out of force of habit. NYG 14, NE 10.

10:07 – Brady completes 67th pass of the game to Wes Welker. Welker precedes to trade himself to whomever Jason Paderon’s fantasy team is playing, then kicks the extra point. NYG 14, NE 13.

7:50 – Giants three and out. Feagles punts into end zone.

2:04 – Gostkowski 37 yard field goal is good. NYG 14, NE 16.

1:54 – Eli Manning passes short to the sure-handed veteran, Amani Toomer. Unluckily for the Giants, three weeks ago Amani was replaced with his identical evil twin, Ronde, who drops the pass.

0:18 – Eli 3-yard TD pass to Kevin Boss. NYG 21, NE 16.

End of half. Eli Manning calls brother Peyton and asks how to not blow the game. Peyton replies, "Hand off to Jacobs." Eli misses message as Archie Manning comes in locker room to spank Eli for sneaking cookies before dinner.

3rd Quarter

15:00 – Angry Giants fans riot outside building. They want their tickets back and claim to have the REAL Eli Manning held hostage.

13:34 – Patriots three and out for the first time in the season. Chis Hanson, host of "To Catch a Predator", discovers he is the punter and punts the ball like the dirty pedofile it is.

9:22 – Eli manning 19-yard TD pass to Plaxico Burress. NYG 28, NE 16. Even Eli appears to show a surprised face although it is later discovered to be a “Tummy ache” from all the cookies.

4:06 – Lawrence Maroney runs for a 6-yard TD after every Giants player, coach, and equipment manager covers Randy Moss’s fade route. NYG 28, NE 23. Tom Coughlin ponders whether or not THIS was the time to pull his starting quarterback from the game.

0:37 – Peyton calls Eli to make sure he got the message that he should hand off the ball to Jacobs for the rest of the game. Eli responds by throwing five of the next six, stopping the clock before Jeff Feagles punts. Referee Tim Donaghy is shown taking candy from a baby.

4th Quarter

12:55 – Chris Hanson prays to Tom Brady, asking to let him punt again. Brady grants his wish.

12:46 – Eli hands off to the RB, Invisible Man. Eli recovers the fumble after tripping over his shoe laces.

11:42 – Feagles punts.

11:25 – Tom Brady throws 65-yard incomplete pass to single-covered Randy Moss.

11:15 – Giants coaches pop open champagne in celebration; unaware that the game continued. Meanwhile Tom Brady throws exact same pass to an open Randy Moss for record breaking touchdown. Happiness ensues on both sidelines until the Giants realize that they’re losing again. NYG 28, NE 31.

11:00 – Hixon returns the kick and is pushed out of bounds at the NY 38. Ronde Toomer watches the Patriots’ Brandon Meriweather trip and fall in front of him. Referee Tim Donaghy, fresh from eating some Humble Pie in front of the last episode of Seinfeld calls a 15-yard “Good Samaritan" Penalty.

9:59 – Eli Manning gets picked for the first time by Ellis Hobbs after overthrowing Plaxico Burress. Eli is unhappy but not because he was intercepted but because he was picked last yet again. He stomps his feet as he walks off the field.

4:46 – Lawrence Maroney continues to piss off everybody who drafted him in the 1st round of Fantasy Football drafts by scoring his second TD of the day in a game that means absolutely nothing to Fantasy. NYG 28, NE 38.

4:18 - Manning goes into no-huddle offense in which he thrives. Unfortunately for the Giants, he memorized the “Kill clock” playbook by mistake.

1:08 - Eli completes TD pass to Burress. NYG 35, NE 38.

1:08 – Lawrence Tynes lets out an evil laugh before kicking the onside kick gently into Mike Vrabel’s waiting arms, ending the game.

The Jets' Future

I am a Jets fan, and this season has been miserable. But to be honest, it was expected. Last season, they were a team devoid of any real talent that far and away exceeded expectations; the fact that they even made the playoffs was a pleasant surprise.

I still believe Mangini is one of the best coaches in the league, even if he is a snitch, and if the Jets get a much-needed infusion of talent, they could be competitive (screw the Patriots, they don’t count).

All this said, what do I believe the Jets need? Help on the lines. The Jets’ two biggest weaknesses are their offensive and defensive lines. The LAST thing the Jets need is Darren McFadden. I am sick of people who believe he should be drafted.

Look at the fall of Shaun Alexander, Larry Johnson and Reggie Bush, among others. Due to the slotting system, the Jets would have to invest $35 million dollars and five years on Darren McFadden, give or take. Let the Patriots take him, who cares? Running backs get abused, and are oft-injured. Now yes, LT and AD are two talents that give one pause, but let’s consider: they run behind fantastic offensive lines, and one can not discount the importance of that. Plus, between the Raiders, Packers and Buccaneers all showed that quality running backs are findable.

Now, I am not taking away anything from running backs, but the franchise tag price of running backs is FALLING as salaries in general increase. What does this indicate? That GMs are realizing, slowly, that while the skill position players get all the press, they don’t win all the games. You know why Peyton Manning and Tom Brady continue to dominate? Because it is a lot easier to throw a ball when you aren’t on your back, just ask David Carr (okay, bad example. He sucks anyway). Ask Marc Bulger how important the offensive line is. The problem is the OL doesn’t sell; they have no real statistics and they are only noticed when they aren’t doing well.

If the Jets are smart, they will do everything possible to sign Alan Faneca, one of the best LGs in the league. The Steelers can not afford him and he has no interest in taking a “hometown discount” (an idiotic idea if I ever heard one, but that’s a complaint for another day), and so will hit free agency. The Jets need him. They have a young offensive line that could use a veteran presence to shore them up.

So if not Darren McFadden, whom should the Jets draft? Well, I don’t know college football well, but an impact DE would be ideal. The Jets’ pass rush is pathetic; they get no pressure unless they blitz, leaving them vulnerable to big plays. Also, the Jets rush defense was in the bottom portion of the league, and that needs to be changed. If teams can run all over you, you lose. The Jets biggest weakness on defense is that their defensive line doesn’t penetrate the line of scrimmage, giving quarterbacks and running backs room to find flaws in the defense and attack. Defensive line help is imperative to fixing this.

So Jets, DON’T draft McFadden. You were smart two years ago and bypassed Leinart, understanding then that you needed offensive line help. In fact, HOPE the Patriots take McFadden. Let them invest so much of their salary cap to an unnecessary player, maybe meaning they can’t resign some of their more valuable players. Take a DE.

The Patriots may be perfect, but that doesn't mean they're perfect

Just because they had the perfect regular season doesn't mean we can't make fun of the way they look. During the game I just noticed a few similarities in likenesses...




Shrek and Junior Seau










Pat Patriot and Tedy Bruschi






Anybody else notice any similarities? E-Mail me at paderon@chewthemout.com and I'll put them up.

Web Gems: "The Nash"

It really belongs in the Web Gems section on the right bar, but it really is too good to pass up. I love DrunkAthlete.com!

Could this upcoming Giants game be bigger than the Super Bowl?

Never has a meaningless Week 16 Game meant so little, yet so much. Tomorrow's/today's (Whenever you're reading this) Giants-Pats tilt went from a battle of the backups to one in which its not even a question whether the starters will be out there. Which can only mean one of two things... the Giants organization either believes it has a chance or it doesn't want to get embarrassed on every channel from NBC, to ABC to Lifetime.

You may think to yourself, "Self, look at this. Just another New Yorker talking up his better than average team like its a Super Bowl contender." Well tell yourself that you couldn't be more wrong.

Aside from the fact that I am a Jets fan, it is besides the point. And as a Jets fan you know there is nothing I'd like more than another Boston milestone blocked by another New York team. Do I really believe its going to happen? No. Should the Giants be playing the starters? My answer is yes.

If you asked anybody last week if this game was even going to be remotely competitive after the Giants clinched a playoff berth they would say no. That was until the media stepped in. If the Colts-Pats in the regular season was the Pre-Super Bowl, this is the Post-Pre-Super Bowl. Or the Pre-Pre-Superbowl. Any way you cut it, it's as if the Giants are getting that playoff-like contender attitude and experience they would have never had otherwise.

And if they lose, they could very well go on and win the Super Bowl because of the atmosphere. Baby Eli finally his chance to shine or falter in the national spotlight. Giants fans will finally find out whether Eli is the Quarterback of the future or the Ryan Leaf of the past.

That being said, I would say that I'm about 80% sure the Patriots will win. I mean let's face it, as much as you Giants fans want to talk about how many times Osi and Strahan can pressure Brady, is he even the type to be affected? No. Never mind the fact that the Giants' themselves have their own problems, and not just the injuries. Their week-by-week gameplan seems to have more wrinkles than Junior Seau's face.

As much as I may hate it, all us Jets fans are Giants fans tomorrow and win or lose, let's just hope for a Brady season-ending injury. That's right.

Thank goodness for George Mitchell...

For without him, I wouldn't know what to do with myself. Heck, I almost did steroids but now that I see what has happened, it might not be worth it. I'll just work hard and do things the right way.

Anybody who believed the previous is hereby banned from returning their stupidity to this website. We at ChewThemOut.com have enough problems. WE, in general, have enough problems. It's a good thing our government is taking out the time and money to assure us that every homerun hit will be the direct result of the weight lifting time gained from skipping classes in high school. You know, it's not like we're at war or anything.

After months and months of our tax dollars being poured into this 'revolutionary' investigation we see that the fruits of Mitchell's labor just happened to be, well exactly what happens when you eat fruit... crap. And did anybody else find it just a teeny (Barry Bonds') weeny bit suspicious that neither Mitchell's team (The Red Sox), nor the commish's team (The Brewers), nor the President's team (The Rangers) had no real superstars named? Not that Mitchell would omit anything, but perhaps he purposely didn't dig deep enough. Just a thought.

Oh what? You expected an in-depth report, delving into every user in a uniform? You expected Santa Mitchell to check his MVP list twice to see who had been naughty and nice? You expected ground-breaking stuff? OF COURSE YOU DID!

What did we get? A half-assed 6th-Grade level book report with two not-so-reliable sources, both in New York. I could have just read the Mitchell Report's first edition written by Jose Canseco.

So now we have maybe a quarter of estimated 'drug cheats' named, and even with not enough evidence to convict them in court, they've forever stamped the careers of 80 men with the Ecko Unlimited brand asterisk in the minds of fairweather sports fans everywhere.

And even those guys have either denied use or have only used once then stopped after all the guilt set in. What happened to the prolonged and excessive steroid abusers who's daily regimen's included taking more hormones in the butt than Richard Jefferson? (We hear the rumors RJ... we hear...)

Maybe that will be in the sequel.