With the NBA playoffs on the horizon, we're in for a few weeks of excitement followed by several months of screaming obscenities. For those of you with teams that still have a shot to hoist the trophy, congratulations, and I hope you die in a greasefire. For the rest of you, I saved you a seat on the bus. And as we slash through our wrists like Stephon Marbury through the open lane, remember kids, it's down the road not across the street.
But, as the bitter fucks that we are, we can take solace in one fact. Nobody's going to be happy this year. Rule 8 of The Big Book of Sports Rules (available from Fuckyourmother Publishing) dictates "No sport is allowed two consecutive years of playoff pwnage, or else Pacman Jones unleashes his wrath on small Cambodian children. Again."
And since last year's NBA playoffs were considered by many as the best in 20 years (Fuck you, Pat Riley), it could only mean one thing...
This year's playoffs are gonna suck!
Not just mild suck either. I'm talking Texas sorority girl after nine games of beer pong suck. I'm talking Shaq at the free throw line suck. I'm talking final season of Family Matters suck (Fuck you, lightskinned Harriet). Hell, I'm even talking TBS Braves announcers suck.
Lets fucking face it, as far as sports go, here in 2007, suck is the new black. We had a snoozer of a World Series between the TIGERS and CARDINALS (LOL @ Carlos Beltran). We had a boring ass Super Bowl where Rex Grossman defeated the rest of his team 29-17. We had the NCAA Final Bore where Florida blew out Ohio State, despite Greg Oden being more active than the Cincinnati Bengals legal team.
So before we tune into these weeks of inevitable one-sided series and star player injuries, lets instead look at what would've happened if the NBA playoffs were controlled by God himself...
The man responsible for Creating the Earth...
The skies...
And Wrestlemania.
Mr. Vincent Kennedy McMahon of the WWE!
If the almighty Vince and his writing team... the team that brought us such classics as Hulk Hogan, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and The Repo Man... were to storm into David Stern's office and launch a mafia style takeover... here's how Round 1 would go:
ROUND ONE: East
DETROIT PISTONS VS ORLANDO MAGIC
A classic matchup in the wrestling world: The crafty veterans vs the physically imposing young monsters. I can almost hear Jim Ross seizuring at the mouth "BAHH GAWD, THAT DWIGHT HOWARD IS A HOSS!" And indeed he is, but it isn't his time yet. The WWE has been known to cram their proven stars down our throats until we literally REFUSE to accept them, and that just isn't the case with Detroit yet. Expect the Magic to shine in a few moments as Howard shows off his freakish athleticism. It'll look like Detroit is down and hurting, but when Orlando goes in for the finish, it turns out Detroit was only playing possum and rolls them up for the pinfall victory.
Results: Detroit Pistons in 5 games.
Wrestling Equivalent: Ric Flair Vs Umaga
CHICAGO BULLS VS NEW JERSEY NETS
Basically a flipflop of the Detroit/Orlando series. Jason Kidd is a fan favorite who has put on a ton of exciting performances over his long NBA Career. Recently, he survived a ferocious feud with Knee Injury. He's also rebounding from one of the feuds of the year, where he lost his Hardcore title to wife Juwanna Kidd. In the end, this is just too much for the crafty veteran to overcome, and he's gonna do the J-O-B to the impressive upstart Chicago Bulls.
Results: Bulls in 6.
Wrestling Equivalent: Randy Orton vs Chris Benoit
TORONTO RAPTORS VS WASHINGTON WIZARDS
This one's a squash. Toronto is a team of young studs on the rise and ready to step into the bigtime. However, because they play in Canada and don't have any blazing personalities on their team, they're overlooked by a lot of fans. Washington Wizards are a poor remake of a team that was once formidable, but is nothing without its two best players. Raptors tear through their weak opposition here and win it with a crippling running powerbomb at 1:30.
Results: Raptors sweep.
Wrestling Equivalent: Bobby Lashley vs Legion of Doom 2.0 (Droz and Overweight Animal)
MIAMI HEAT VS CLEVELAND CAVALIERS
This is the premiere matchup on the road to NBAmania. On one hand, you have the Miami Heat, grizzled veterans with players that can dominated for ages. WHATCHA GONNA DO BROTHER, WHEN SHAQ-A-MANIA RUNS ATCHA WITH THE LARGEST HANDS IN THE WORLD? What you would do... is cower in fear. But not the Cavaliers. Cavaliers face tons of criticism as many feel their star player, LeBron James has not done what needs to be done to lead his team onto the next step. Well, consider that step taken here, as the Cavs stand tight and end go toe-to-toe with the legendary heat. Right by Miami. Returned by Cleveland. Clothesline by Miami. Cleveland returns the favor again! BAHH GAWD, THIS ONE'S A SLOBBERKNOCKER. Wade and Shaq dominate the first two games. LeBron fires back to take games 3 and 4, going for 40 each time. In Game 5 LeBron explodes for 45... but the effort is futile as the constant attack of Shaq and Wade and co wears the Cavs down. It looks as if Cavs have no chance as Lebron is beaten to a pulp, but in Game 6, LeBron's old running buddies Larry Hughes and Zydrunas Ilgauskas finally wake up and will the team to victory. In game 7... with the world watching, the trio turns in a 3 on 5 performance reminiscent of when the Texas Tornado, Ultimate Warrior and Hogan defeated the Million Dollar Team at Survivor Series. Lebron ends up hitting the final shot and finally earns some respect as he steps forward in his career.
Results: Cavs in 7
Wrestling Equivalent: Hulk Hogan vs John Cena
ROUND 1: West.
DALLAS MAVERICKS VS LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS
Clippers are a team that have sucked for so long. And then they finally put a few upset wins together... and then BAM, reality gives them a Juwanna Kidd-esque bitch slap. Dallas on the other hand is exciting and relentless in their pursuit of the title. They don't have patience for jabronies such as the Clippers, so expect them to take that NBA basketball (leather, not that pussy microfiber one) shine it up real nice with the sweat from Josh Howard's shiny forehead... and stick it straight up LA's candy ass!
Results: Dallas sweep.
Wrestling Equivalent: The Rock Vs Barry Horowitz
PHOENIX SUNS vs LOS ANGELES LAKERS
Boy, this one has it all. Tons of star power. Talent. And blood boiling discontent for their opponent. This is the sequel to last year's Series of the Year and is going to be a war. Suns are led by reigning MVP of the league Steve Nash. A calm, collected Canadian that is the "excellence of execution" at what he does. On the other hand, you have the Lakers. NBA's darlings led by the flashy, controversial White Bitch slayer, Kobe Bryant. Love him or hate him, the man can ball and puts asses in the seats. He fights as hard as anyone in the league... which allows him to make this one a war. It comes down to a crucial Game 7, where Kobe's teammates step up to keep them in the game, and Kobe and Nash trade daggers in the 4th quarter.
96-96.
It all comes down to a crucial possession. Bryant on Nash. The clock runs down... Nash fakes left... goes right... and using his veteran savvy finds a wide open Amare Stoudemire for the dunk! 98-96 Suns.
Five seconds left.
Odom inbounds the ball to a bloodied and exhausted Kobe Bryant. He looks ahead, doubled by Nash and Raja Bell. At this point, his teammates are irrelevent. There isn't a sumbitch in the world who doesn't know who's taking this shot. It's Kobe time. He goes left... Does that funky super elevation shot from 25 feet. He releases. The ball looks good coming out of his hands...
... the buzzer sounds as it hits the rim...
... it rattles around...
... circles round and round...
...And rims out!
SUNS WIN! SUNS WIN! BAHH GAWD THE SUNS WIN!
BUT WAIT! In a stunning turn of events, Dick Bavetta opens up a can of whoopass on his whistle. He makes the motion.
“FOUL, #13 PHOENIX”.
The crowd is LIVID!
“BULLLLLLLLLLSHIIIIIIIIIT!”
“BULLLLLLLLSHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!”
The announcers are stunned. Replays are shown to try and show the phantom foul, which is indeed a phantom foul, as Nash’s arms come down well short of Bryant.
Nonetheless, #24 is at the line shooting 3. And you should all know what happens here.
First shot: It’s true.
Second shot: IT’s true.
Third shot: It’s damn true!
Lakers run off the court in victory as the crowd begins to riot.
Results: Lakers in 7.
Wrestling Equivalent: Bret “Hitman” Hart vs “Heartbreak Kid” Shawn Michaels, Montreal Screwjob
SAN ANTONIO SPURS Vs DENVER NUGGETS
This one isn’t personal, but you’d never know by watching it. Spurs have done it all, and after a brief stepdown from the main event, are back and ready to open up a can of whoopass on all comers. Denver is another team that feels disrespected. They also, are the most ghetto team in the NBA, led by cowardly heel Carmelo Anthony (fresh off a feud with Nate “Dink” Robinson) and his veteran sidekick Allen Iverson. When it’s all said and done, Denver puts off a valiant effort... but San Antonio’s stars make too many sweet passes
WHAT?!
Duncan hits too many hook shots.
WHAT?!
Parker nails a few too many floaters.
WHAT?!
Bruce Bowen’s stifling D holds Melo to too few points.
WHAT?!
And the San Antonio Spurs end up whoopin’ Denver’s ass all over Texas. And that’s the bottom line... cuz Fabricio Oberto said so!
Results: Spurs in 5.
Wrestling Equivalent: “Stone Cold” Steve Austin vs. Booker T
UTAH JAZZ Vs HOUSTON ROCKETS
Another interesting matchup. Utah has a ton of talent and had potential and is finally realizing that. Houston on the other hand has two of the most dominant players in the NBA, but for some reason, perhaps they killed a few hundred kittens in their past lives, just aren’t able to stay healthy. When they do, they can dominate anyone. And that’s what happens here. Despite a valiant effort by the Jazz, the one-two punch of Tmac and Yao delivers a couple of spike piledrivers that Utah just isnt able to recover from. They still have a bright future ahead of them and eventually will shine on the big stage.
Results: Rockets in 6.
Wrestling Equivalent: Ken Kennedy vs Triple H
So that’s it, bitches. Round 1 is in the books... Tune in next week for Round 2, cuz business is about to pick up as the Road to NBAmania continues.
Round 2 Matchups:
Pistons vs Cavaliers
Bulls vs Raptors
Mavericks vs Rockets
Spurs vs Lakers
Originally posted at ChewThemOut.com by Mario Castelli
1 comment:
Booooo... i wish you finished this
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