The Dumb Get Richer

Remember back in middle school when your mother told you not to tease the Poindexter in the front of the class because “When he grows up, he’s going to be rich.” Undoubtedly, us jocks, especially the ones like me who constantly made fun of everything about them understood. It was just the ways of the world even if you hated the way they talked, the way they walked, the way they carried themselves, and especially the way they breathed a lot louder than everyone during the tests because they just got so excited. God, I hated that.

But we picked on them because it was supposed to be how world evened out; we were blessed with coordination, good looks, and muscles, and they get good grades and became our bosses and multi-millionaires. It was a pretty fair trade-off in my opinion.

Most recently, however, this has not been the case. Doctors have no money because lawyers just won’t stop suing him for malpractice. And lawyers aren’t even rich because they need to pay their ex-wives alimony since they just didn’t learn the social skills because they were actually studying in school. This has been leaving the dorks of the world crying foul and like George Costanza with pigeons, screaming “We had a deal!”

Now the jock’ salaries have become inflated bigger than Charles Barkley in retirement. They’re making more than some CEO’s! This wasn’t the case back in the day, but today’s athletes’ salaries actually can compete with that of the owners that sign the checks. And to make things worse, now they’re beginning to take over the traditional ‘smart people’ jobs. (BOOYAH! Take that Lloyd!)

They’re the color commentators (Walt Frazier), the morning show hosts (Tiki Barber), minority owners (Michael Jordan) and going along with a recent popular trend: Authors.

You know its one thing when if Michael Jordan writes a book because we genuinely wanted to hear of his perils with mere mortality. But do you really care about the gay 12th man on the Orlando Magic from the era in between great Irish players? (Shaquille O’Neal and Tracy McGrady )

I know I don’t.

And does anybody else find it funny when Kevin Garnett hosts a “Read to Achieve” program? Well isn't that like asking Shaq for Free-throw tips? He didn’t go to college! And it wasn’t because he didn’t want to, either. He failed to get the required SAT score to go. (apparently he couldn’t remember how many N’s and T’s there were in ‘Garnett’) And it doesn’t even matter since the only thing Garnett’s read in the past seven days is his bank statement which is filled with zero’s due to checks not so surprisingly signed by another athlete: Kevin McHale. UNBELIEVABLE!

David Stern has made it known that wants to create a positive image for the NBA in the eyes of the public. That’s why Marcus Camby needed to cash in his swear jar to buy a suit. (Apparently he wears Sean John velour suits to funerals.) But you need to call a spade a spade, even if that spade is a ghettoed out tattooed up, headband/shooting sleeve/leg tights/Jewelry wearing illiterate malcontent.

But what I just didn’t understand is what exactly makes these superiorly-built athletic machines with bird-brains so intriguing to the readers of America.

Then I read an article at the paper I work for, the Staten Island Advance, that stated that the Parks Department misspelled the word ‘Yield’ on their signs. The damn government-run Parks Department sign, with its emblem so proudly painted on the sign. If the government can’t read then what could be said about its people?

But who am I to judge this on your behalf. Maybe you’d like to hear Jose’s tale of “Me Suked so MarK Mgwire put injecshuns in my but” which after the editor was through with it looked like: “I constantly pondered my options. Stay with my current skill set and fade into obsurity, or take these injections and feed my family for ten more years. Did I really have a choice? No. McGwire thought the same.” (Note: Not excerpted from the book… I never read it)

Do you really care how or why Pete Rose lied…62 years after the fact he gambled? Do you care why Jose Canseco decided to stick steroid-filled syringes up his finely-tuned ass? Do you care that John Amaechi is a former gay athlete? Of course you do. But if you asked me, I’d rather read it on ESPN than from someone who achieved their degree from the school of hard knocks.

Don’t misconstrue this as a diss to all athletes. It’s fine for me, I’m a jock. I’ve been happy to reap the benefits of a boosted grade and excused absenses from the classes I find so boring. I’m happy to reap the benefits of their (editors’) hard work and I’ll be glad to push over the Mike Lupicas of the world along the way. (I’ll shoot at your lip)

All I’m saying is that we are making these fourth-grade level writers into New York Times bestsellers… and we wonder why that ‘Yield’ sign is misspelled.