2007 NFL Draft Journal

If you missed the NFL Draft, fret none, cuz Maz and Danny got cha back, suckah. Here are the notable events:

12:00 Mike Vick has yet to leave the stage. Apparently Bruce Smith needs directions to his house.

12:15 Michael Vick is the first to congratulate new Raiders QB Jamarcus Russell, and hands him a copy of his new book: Believe Your Own Hype, But Never Live Up To It (Bonus Chapter: Passive Income From Pitbulls)

12:25 Calvin Johnson is crying after getting off the phone. Apparently, he received some discouraging words from his new QB Jon Kitna: "I'm going to be throwing you the ball."

12:26 Keyshawn Johnson explains to everyone how Calvin Johnson is not the best WR ever drafted named Johnson.

12:30 Calvin Johnson is officially selected by the Lions. The fans cheer him for the last time, as they're not expected to see him on TV for the next several years.

12:33 Browns are up. Everyone in the Green room have turned off their cell phones.

12:38 Footage: Joe Thomas is out fishing right now.

12:41 Brady Quinn is shown sporting his new threads from the Michael Irvin Jive Soul Shop.

12:42 Cleveland selects Joe Thomas.

12:43 Joe Thomas legally changes his name to Brady Quinn.

12:48 Steve Young checks his watch. He hopes he can stick around for the Niners pick before his next Botox injection at 2:40.

12:50 Adrian Peterson sprains wrist picking up the phone. Surgery is expected.

12:51 Mike Martz has hired NFL Draft Consultant Dikembe Mutumbo to reject all trade offers for his new crowning jewel, Calvin Johnson.

12:54 Gaines Adams shows off his trendy urban haircut which features the word "BUST" shaved into his head.

12:57 Gaines Adams is selected by the Bucs.

1:01 JaMarcus Russell signs his first endorsement deal with fast food juggernaut McDonalds.

1:04 Levi Brown is selected by the Cardinals, and instantly pimped out as the face of UPS new marketing campaign: Who Can Brown Block For You?

1:06 PM Dan Snyder is talking to Keyshawn Johnson at the ESPN desk.

1:08 PM #6 is dealt to Carolina for Key

1:10 PM Keyshawn restructures deal to become highest paid WR in league history.

1:11 Redskins are on the clock. Eli and Archie Manning are shown praying that Amobi Okoye isn't selected.

1:13 PM LaRon Landry is shown wearing a tie. Lets see if this effects his draft status.

1:16 PM Sean Taylor calls up LaRon Landry. Asks him if he wants to go to the shooting range tomorrow.

1:17 PM LaRon Landry is selected by the Redskins. He is projected to start at the Get Ran Over by Brandon Jacobs position.

1:17 PM Vikings are now on the clock.

1:18 Mel Kiper takes two Tums capsules to settle his underlying virus: diarrhea of the mouth.

1:26 A sweaty and unshaven Mike Tice runs up to the podium to select QB Byron Leftwich.

1:27 Mike Tice is carried away by security.

1:28 Vikings select Adrian Peterson.

1:29: Adrian Peterson sprains his face smiling for a picture.

1:35 Brady Quinn smiles at Rachel Nichols. Her panties drop faster than Quinn's draft stock.

1:38: Atlanta is getting ready to pick Amobi Okoye.

1:39 Atlanta selects Jamaal Anderson. Okoye wonders if Jamaal Anderson is English for Amobi Okoye.

1:40 Rich McKay is bitten by stray dog.

1:41 Mike Vick promises to take care of it. He hands McKay a copy of his book.

1:43 Rumor circulates that Vince Young's forehead has tested positive for steroids.

1:49 Tom Brady marks his territory by impregnating The Pussycat Dolls before Quinn has his shot at them.

1:51 Dolphins select Ted Ginn. Brady Quinn shows a disgenuine smile. Women all over the country faint.

1:52 Ted Ginn Jr runs a 4.29 forty to the podium. Unfortunately he ran a slant instead of a post and instead of the podium he wound up in the Green Room

1:57 Quinn's girlfriend is shown with a fresh black eye.

2:01 Texans call Amobi Okoye. No answer. Spongebob is on.

2:04 Texans select Amobi Okoye

2:09 Undrafted Brady Quinn is shown with a new, less hot girlfriend.

2:13 Amobi Okoye takes phone call from Houston and they tell him they're going to draft him. Amobi asks "can I really play on two teams?"

2:14 Brady Quinn receives a phone call from Matt Leinart. He sends his condolences in the form of Paris Hilton.

2:16 Feeling desperate, Brady Quinn hires Terrell Owens as his publicist.

2:17 Brady Quinn's ex girlfriend is shown with Tom Brady. She's expecting their first child any minute now.

2:20 49ers select Patrick Willis.

2:22 Patrick Willis puts in Madden 07 to practice breaking Shaun Alexanders leg.

2:28 Bills select Marshawn Lynch.

2:29 Marv Levy's test results confirm Alzheimers'.

2:32 Marshawn Lynch picks Roger Goodells wallet.

2:33 Brian Belichick wonders to himself "do I really need any help?"

2:35 Mel Kiper takes down all previous mock drafts and then puts up his current draft chart.

2:39 Rams select Adam Carriker.

2:41 ESPN goes to find Adam Carriker to interview

2:44 Jets trade up with the Panthers.

2:48 Chad Pennington's daughter throws a bullet pass to him. Pennington throws a two-hopper back to her.

2:50 "I'm not Adam Carriker guys, I'm Grant Wistrom"

2:55 Jets select Darrelle Revis.

2:57 Upon the Jets landing Revis, the New England Patriots trade for Randy Moss, Larry Fitzgerald, and Steve Smith.

2:59 Brady Quinn's ex gives birth to Tom Brady's child.

3:01 Brady's child goes #16 overall to the Pittsburgh Steelers.

3:02 Packers mull over taking a sickly person with their pick rationalizing that if he dies during the year it means at least one mega Favre game.

3:07 Packers end up drafting Brady Quinn's body. They're working on a way to transplant Favre's soul into it.

3:13 Harrell gets a call from GB saying they'll draft him. Harrell says "C'mon Meachem, quit foolin'"

3:16 Steve Young makes a point and once again forget the camera will stay on him once he finishes talking.

3:25 Denvers trade up to get Jarvis Moss. Apparently, they thought they were trading for Randy Moss.

3:30 Jarvis Moss gets a call from his Probation Officer. Moss explains he's had no run ins with the law. The PO says "not yet".

3:31 Sports Guy is pissed at us. He can't fathom us going three and a half hours with so few Patriots blurbs.

3:37 Marvin Lewis casts Level 3 Revive on Johnny Cochran. The Cincinnati Bengals then select him with the 18th pick.

3:39 Chris Henry explodes at the announcement of the Leon Hall pick. He had already made arrangements with Dwayne Bowe to have a DD around.

3:41 Hot girl on screen. First hot girl we've seen all day.

3:43 Upon further review, we still prefer Brady Quinn.

3:45 Jacksonville is still contemplating taking Quinn. Current reason why they should: Not black

3:48 Vince Young welcomes Michael Griffin to the Titans. He asks Young if he's worried about the Madden Curse. Young is surprised.

3:49: Joe Thomas is lost at Sea.

3:50 Calvin Johnson holds a press conference. While he only used marijuana on rare occasions, crack is a different story.

3:51 Vince Young's agent reads him an article about the Madden Curse. Young tries to convince fellow scholar Lendale White to take his place.

3:52 Lendale White eats Vince Young. Titans have found their franchise left tackle.

3:56 Giants on the clock. Maz holds his breath.

3:57 Michael Irvin leaves set to go "mentor" Calvin Johnson.

3:58 Giants forfeit their pick to the Chargers as gratitude for the Eli Manning trade.

3:59 Giants draft The Dog Whisperer to keep Plaxico Burress in line.

4:00 Okay, okay, Giants draft 34 year old rookie Aaron Ross.

4:01 Steve Young continues to show concussions do effect you.

4:02 Mark May replaces Michael Irvin as least knowledgable analyst.

4:03 Jags draft Reggie Nelson.

4:04 Reggie Nelson begins octagon training with Donovan Darius

4:14 High character Calvin Johnson reveals Crips gang ties.

4:16 Danny Wilson wonders why he is yet to be drafted. He is a 99 overall in Madden.

4:17 Browns now have 2 Brady Quinn's on their roster.

4:18 Brady Quinn II plans holdout with Browns.

4:19 Mike Martz announces the following hirings as his special assistants; Jamaal Robinson, Tyrone Shaw and Mohammed X

4:20 Gaines Adams is nowhere to be found.

4:24 Gaines Adams reappears with a bag of Doritos and a steak quesadilla.

4:25 Cleveland doctors check Quinn for bed sores.

4:32 Dwayne Bowe gets the news he's been dreading, he's heading to KC.

4:33 Herm Edwards calls Bowe to tell him he should see the ball 5 or 6 times this year over 15 yards.

4:40 Patriots select Jessica Alba at the request of Tom Brady.

4:47 Brandon Merriweather drafted by New England.

4:48 Brandon Merriweather helps old women across the street.

4:51 Cleveland Browns set out on jetskis to find their new teammate Joe Thomas.

5:00 Dallas and Philly make a trade.

5:03 Jaws kills himself.

5:07 Cowboys end up taking Anthony Spencer to fill their need of guys with two first names.

5:08 The Eagles plan of assisting in the demise of Donnovan McNabb continues.

5:13 Kellen Winslow's jet ski flips over while attempting a stunt.

5:19 A shark bites off Kellen Winslow's left leg. Luckily, 75% of KDub is better than 100% of anyone else.

5:20 Meachem is pissed that anything nice he buys he can't leave in New Orleans.

5:25 Drew Rosenhaus calls Todd McShay and says he may've won this round, but next time he won't be so lucky.

5:27 Kellen Winslow kills the shark. He's a F'n soldier.

5:31 Braylon Edwards kicks Charlie Frye off the back of his jet ski.

5:33 Edwards goes back and runs him over. Frye, dead at 25.

5:34 Niners trade up for Joe Staley.

5:36 Joe Staley begins making plans to move in with Chris Kaman.

5:43 Alan Branch makes his 7th sack of the game in NCAA 07. He sends his tape off to San Diego.

5:50 Keyshawn says Jarrett reminds him of himself. Jarrett slips to the 4th round.

5:57 Chargers select WR Craig Davis.

6:00 Craig Davis sends Keyshawn a dozen blunts for lowering Jarretts stock.

6:05 Lance Briggs calls Greg Olsen. Demands he sides with him or he'll kill his first born.

6:20 Ginn wonders why Gonzalez gets Manning? Ginn would've settled for Eli.

6:27 Cardinals draft Alan Branch, who eats his jersey.

6:51 After helping the Cowboys draft the end to kill McNabb, Eagles reach for his replacement, Kevin on the Kolb. Everyone questions the picks. Jaws convinces us he's the next Favre.

7:31 Dwayne Jarrett and Keyshawn Johnson speak via cell phone. They plan on switching jerseys come game days. No one will notice the difference.

7:47 Joe Thomas is helped to shore by former forward/current pirate Bison Dele.

8:08 Giants stop torturing me for once and draft USC's Steve Smith, a veritable god among men.

8:19 Raiders trade for Lions McCown and Big Mike Williams. McCown was brought in to start the season at QB. Big Mike was brought in so Russell doesn't feel alone when he comes into training camp 50 lbs overweight.

8:26 Detroit and Cleveland making moves that make sense. Journal ends before World implodes.


Originally Posted on ChewThemOut.com by Mario Castelli and Danny Wilson