Okay, so the playoffs have started. And just like I warned you, the suckfest has begun. Last second buzzer beaters and stellar "OMG, how the hell did that go in?" lucksack shots are nowhere to be found. Through the first ten games, the most exciting thing we've seen was Mark Cuban's angry sidelines seizure as the Mavs failed to rotate on D. Shaq has spent more energy in his post-game bitch-about-the-ref-athons then in the paint. And Kobe... oh Kobe... has apparently decided that that you only need to make shots in the first half.
So, all of this debauchery has lead to one-sided victories and me catching on some much needed sleep.
But rather than bitch... lets instead fade from our boring reality into better times...
Times where all game are slobberknockers and the storylines have even Martin Scorcese feeling inadequate.
Times where the NBA Playoffs are under the brilliant influence of... Vincent. Kennedy. McMahon.
Round 1 went like this:
Pistons over Magic in 5.
Bulls over Nets in 6.
Raptors over Wizards in 4 (LOL PWND).
Cavs over Heat in 7.
Dallas over Clippers in 4 (LOL, oops).
Lakeshow over Suns in 7.
Spurs over Nuggets in 5.
Rockets over Jazz in 6.
So bahh gawd, the pyro has already gone off... lets get down to business.
ROUND 2 - EAST
Chicago Bulls vs Toronto Raptors
Well, nobody would ever confuse these two franchises. One has arguably launched some of the greatest teams of all time (The 95 Bulls had an astounding record of 242 Wins and -160 Losses). The other...well, they've been known to suck it up a notch, despite having some big talent wear their funny Canadian uniforms. But that's the past... and here at ChewThemOut, we don't live in the past. We live in the imaginary future, baby. So forget VC and Tmac... Bosh is now the man in town.
The crowds are pumped and we're ready to have the opening tip off when all of a sudden... a familiar tune begins to echo throughout the arena...
#No chance...#
#No chance in hell, (you’ve got)#
#No chance…#
#No chance in hell, (you’ve got)#
#No chance…#
#No chance in hell, (you’ve got)#
#No chance…#
#No chance in hell!#
The crowd... well, they have no idea what the hell is going on. But I'm pretty sure they won't have to wait long, as Vince McMahon, flashy suit and cocky walk in tact, waddles to center court and grabs a mic. He says something to Wallace and Nesterovic and both teams make their way back to their benches.
VINCE McMAHON: "TOOOOOOOOOOOROOOOOONTOOOOOOOO!!!"
[Massive cheers from the crowd.]
VINCE McMAHON: "You know... I was having a bad week. But now that I'm here... well, I'm in a pretty good mood."
[More cheers.]
VINCE McMAHON: "Because I've realized... that no matter how bad things seem... not only am I billionaire... at least when it's all said and done, I don't live in a shithole of a city like each and every one of you!"
[BAHH GAWD, the heel turn! Boos from the crowd]
VINCE McMAHON: "SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUT UP! Even though I'd love to spend hours talking about how much this city... and country reaks of mediocrity... I have more important matters to address. Things have gotten stale around here... and I'm not gonna take it, damnit. It's time to shake things up a bit!"
"How many of you are excited to see the Bulls and Raptors go at it?"
[Crowd cheers!]
"Well... you're gonna get it!"
[Cheers!]
VINCE McMAHON: "Maybe. Someday. BUT NOT TONIGHT!"
[BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!]
VINCE McMAHON: "You see... the board had a meeting. And decided that we're gonna do a little re-seeding... We're gonna shake these brackets up. So Bulls... you will not be in competition tonight. In fact..."
[Vince takes a glance at the Rolex on his wrist]
VINCE McMAHON: "You might want to get your asses to the airport, because you have a flight to catch. You're gonna be in action tomorrow night... against the Detroit Pistons! Security, get their asses out of here!"
[Security ushers an angry Bulls team out of the arena. The crowd boos. Raptors coach Sam Mitchell gathers up his players and they begin to head to the back as well...]
VINCE McMAHON: "Wait a god damn minute. Where the hell do you think you're going?"
[They stop and look back at Vince.]
VINCE McMAHON: "Your night isn't over. Hardly. Tonight... on this very court... you're gonna go to battle against...
THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS!
SO GET YOUR ASSES OUT HERE!
[The Cavs, lead by LeBron come out to boos from the crowd. It takes a few seconds to settle down, but eventually the teams both reach center court and we have our tipoff.]
GAME 1 - The Raptors, having prepared for the Bulls, just don't have an answer for the Cavaliers and their monster star, King James. Bosh, the gamer he is, puts up a respectable 28 and 14, but LeBron just takes Bargnani to school, exploding for 44 pts. Cavs win easy 112-98.
GAME 2 - Different day, same story. LeBron makes the 7 foot #1 draft pick look like he belongs in the D-league, repeatedly breaking his oversized ankles. Hughes and Ilgauskas add to the onslaught. Bosh is repeatedly hacked by Gooden and Varejao, whose only purpose in this series is the 6 fouls he has next to his name. Player of the Game- Lebron James with an impressive 46/12/8. Cavs win 117-104.
GAME 3 - We're now in Cleveland for the next two games. But the setting is all that changed here. LeBron starts out hotter than the burning sensation of gonorrhea, hitting his first 4 shots from the field. Raptors are down 8 and call timeout. Bosh unloads on his teammates, screaming at the top of his lungs. Teams take the floor again and as LeBron drives through the lane, he is LEVELED by Bosh and hits the ground with a sickening thud. He screams in agony. Thousands of fans collectively hold their breath, allowing us to hear Bron Bron shoot out words you just don't want your children to hear. With Bron out, Raptors come out firing. Bargnani is $$$ from deep and puts up a respectable 24 to go with Bosh's 30 as the Raptors steal one 94-84.
GAME 4 - LeBron is back in the lineup, but only in name. Clearly playing on an injured ankle, LeBron is hesitant to take it to the rack, relying instead on his outside jumper, which is nonexistant. Hughes and Z try to carry the load... but come on, we've all seen them play. Not exactly Stockton and Malone here. Bosh explodes. Anthony Parker plays 2nd fiddle this time. Raptors win 97-91.
GAME 5 - We're back in Toronto and the LeBron continues to struggle. Bosh continues to take advantage of his injury, just stretching the court, and kicking it out to Parker and Bargnani for 3. Hughes actually puts together a great game, going for 35, single handedly keeping his team in the game. LeBron shows warrior spirit by trying to take it to the rack, but his ankle has other plans and he just cant get it done. Raptors up two, Cavs forced to foul, Calderon hits all his free throws down the stretch and Raptors pull it out 92-87.
GAME 6 - Cavs don't want to lose the series in front of their hometown crowd so they man up and start playing some D. This is enough to keep them in the game. Then in the 4th quarter... their hobbled star sucks it up... and his drives... actually start leading to dunks and layups, before he limps back on D. The man is clearly hurt... but like Popeye with spinach in his mouth, LeBron transforms into a new person whenever the ball touches his fingers. Bosh refuses to back down... and it's on. The two stars exchange buckets, but the relentlessness of James is just too much for the Big Boshman to handle, and Cavs take this one to game 7 by a victory.
GAME 7 - This one is a five star classic here in Toronto. These playas came to play tonight, boyee. Their ferocity is unmatched. Their defense is impregnable. Hard fouls. Crisp passing. Clutch shots. 42 lead changes in this one. All the roleplayers knew their roles and shut their mouths. But, since I'm a sucker for NBA stars... and lets face it, I'm writing this sumbitch, it comes down to two men:
Chris Bosh.
And LeBron James.
88-88. 88 seconds left. I've just eaten my 88th kernel of popcorn. I've washed it down with my 88th swig of Mountain Dew, effectively killing 88 sperm.
Raptors step up their D. Parker and Bosh deny James from receiving the pass. Hughes is forced to put up a 3, which is no good... but Anderson Varajeo uses his massive afro to tip the rebound to James, who puts it back with a pretty floater.
54 seconds to go. Calderon gets the ball to Bosh, who is defended by the NBA's resident Sideshow Bob, who shadows his every move. Bosh however, must have been practicing with Bargnani and Nesterovic, because he pulls off the move that single handedly allows unathletic white guys to make it to the NBA, the PUMP FAKE OF DEATH! Varajeo gets out of position and the jumper is true from 8.
The crowd is going nuts. 90-90. 36 seconds left. Hughes dribbles up court and gets it to LeBron. Raptors quickly go to the double team again... Bron keeps his head up and fires a bullet pass to Ilgauskas for the dunk --- DENIED by Nesterovic!
The two massive white men end up doing the Russian Waltz while fighting over the loose ball. Eventually, they stop and stare into each other's eyes. BAHH gawd, a Brokeback moment in the NBA! Lenny and Lodi. Billy and Chuck. John Amaechi and some chinese food deliveryman in spandex biker shorts. And now... Z AND RASHO? Just as Tim Hardaway's about to throw his totally nongay Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 1 DVDs through his TV... Rasho goes in for the kiss, but Z steps back...
"LOL TRICKED YOU!"
There's nothing more furious then a 7 foot Russian scorned and Rasho and Z both dive for the ball, but it pops up... and conveniently ends up in the hands of Lebron James!
WTF, check him for magnets!
James jumper is good from 16.
14 seconds left. Raptors inbound. Cavs set up. Calderon speedygonzalez's his ass across halfcourt, feeds the ball to Bargnani, causing Varajeo to step out to defend the 3. Bargnani swing pass goes to Bosh... and here we go.
Chris Bosh in the triple threat position... defended by King James. Thousands of flashbulbs go off.
Bosh makes his move.
The clock ticks down.
Bosh gets into the point, turns his back to the hoop. He pivots...
It could be... it is...
PUMP FAKE OF DEATH again!
LeBron catapults into the air like a retard after an ice cream truck.. Bosh jumps into him... Immediate whistle!
"FOUL #23 CLEVELAND. Shooting two!"
THE CROWD ROARS!
Bosh goes to the line. All the cheering is gone. The hometown crowd knows how important these next two free throws are. He makes 'em, the season continues. He misses them, and it's to the offseason cave, Boshman.
Bosh bends his knees and goes into his release.
SWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!
Crowd roars. Ref checks the ball back to him. Silence again. Bosh takes a long stare at the rim. He bends his knees...
...he starts his release...
*EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR*
[The sound of an airhorn cuts through the arena.]
AIRBALL!!!!!!
CAVS WIN! CAVS WIN!
The announcers flip out! "Some prick just blew an airhorn! That bastard! He just cost the Raptors their season! Who the hell did that? Camera, find him!"
[But they dont have to look very long... The cameras pan directly to a tall figure standing in the aisle of Section 14. The man has on a backwards cap and a LeBron James jersey.
It may look like a fan, but this is no fan.
The camera zooms in on his face and shows it on the big screen.
A face... all too familiar to these Toronto Fans.]
"VINCE CARTER!!! VINCE CARTER!!! THAT SON OF A BITCH VINCE CARTER JUST SCREWED THE RAPTORS!"
[The crowd notices him and begins to riot. The camera pans in even closer to his face... and before he makes his way out of the exit, fearing for his life, he mutters:
"NOW YOU GOTZ SOMETHING TO HATE!"]
ROUND 2 - EAST
Detroit Pistons vs Chicago Bulls
This one should be good. On one hand, you have the Detroit Pistons, led by the NBA's best backcourt, and the loveable, perennial First Team All-Asshole Forward Rasheed Wallace. On the other... you have the upstart bulls, led by Jeffrey from the Fresh Prince and the former Pistons defensive standout Big Ben Roethliswallace.
Game 1 - Death, heights, and public speaking. Three of the most common fears people have. However, if you polled the players on these two teams, I'm pretty sure "taking it to the rim" would be towards the top of that list. Jesus, this one is Jumperstock 2007. Billups and Hamilton use their savvy to gain the upperhand over Hinrich and Gordon. Luol Deng shows flashes, but is mostly contained by defensive stopper/bantamweight boxing champion Tayshaun Prince. With his stellar footwork, Tayshaun Prince gains the unanimous decision here, hitting the Bulls title hopes with a stinging jab as Pistons win the first game 88-79.
Game 2 - The skyrocketing prices of NBA jerseys has its impact felt in this one. As the camera pans through the electric Palace crowd, we notice that about 25% of the fans sporting jerseys still haven't upgraded from the #3 worn by Ben Wallace. Contrary to the forecast of former heavyweight champion/world-renown investment guru Mike Tyson, the Nazr Muhammed jersey just didnt fly off the shelves. Wallace fed off this support (and accompanying royalty checks) in this one as the World's Most Feared Man With Girl Hands scorches his former team for 20 pts and 14 rebounds. Rasheed Wallace looked sharp in this one early, but was T'd up twice and eventually ejected: The first for giving Kirk Hinrich a wedgie, the second for Ric Flair strutting around the arena after draining a three. In any case, Chicago ties this one up with a 96-91 victory.
Game 3 - We head out to Chicago, where the crowd is fired up by the inspiring motivational speech of former pop rapper/current presidential candidate (and Chicago native), Kanye West. The speech seems to have awaken the Bulls guards. Hinrich shows the agility a farmboy develops after years of chasing chickens as he repeatedly gets to the lane here. Pistons young forward Amir Johnson keeps his team in the game with some great defense and flashy dunks off the bench. It's not enough however, and Bulls squeak out the W, 87-82.
Game 4 - GOD DENG IT! Luol Deng is absolutely unstoppable in this one, taking the World's Palest Black Man Tayshaun Prince to school for 41 points. Carlos Delfino starts at point guard for the Pistons in this one, as Chauncey Billups had an appointment booked to look at small countries he can buy with all the money he's gonna get this offseason. Bulls roll 93-77. Bahh gawd, Detroit is up against the ropes!
Game 5 - Richard Hamilton recently opened up a Mexican restaurant in Detroit. And if this game was any indication, he's been sampling the menu a bit too much. The All Star Guard With The Nose That Never Heals certainly earns his nickname of "rip" in this one. Hammer dominates the Bulls swingman with his goya bean- propelled first step and routinely unleashes jalapeno gusts to clear space for his patented 18 foot jumper. Rip ends up with 33. Newly crowned Czar Billups returns to action and adds 19 as the Pistons win this one 104-99.
Game 6 - With Hamilton's flatulence in the rear-view mirror, the crafty Pistons needed to find a new gimmick to help them keep up with the athletically superior Bulls. So this time, they turn to their bench, specificly veteran forward/underground comedian Antonio McDyess...Clay. Reciting his hilarious nursery rhymes such as "Little Red Riding Hood Choked On Dick" and "Simon Says Your Mother's A Whore", McDyess...Clay had the Bulls team rolling in laughter. Unfortunately for them, referee Joe Crawford took offense to this and ended up ejecting the entire team (except Tyrus Thomas, cuz laughing ain't gangsta), and the Pistons pull out the forfeit victory. Series tied at 3 as we head back to the Palace.
Game 7 - This is it, baby. Game 7. One team will feel the triumph of victory, as they move one step closer to their goal of winning a world championship. The other... will return to their depressing lives as 20-something year old multi-millionaires who PLAY A FUCKING GAME FOR A LIVING!
Pistons and Bulls are two of the best defensive teams in the NBA, and they showed it in this one. What happens when you take two-parts Chris Webber's around-the-basket hustle, one-part offensive ineptitude of Tyrus Thomas, Rip Hamilton's hummingbird-like omg-if-i-stop-moving-I'm gonna-die attitude, and a pinch of Ben Gordon's knack for turning routine 16-foot jumpers into ridiculous fadeaway circus shots?
What you have... is an 8-6 Pistons lead at the half.
It's a different story in the second half, as we get to experience what will go down as one of the greatest battles in history. We've had the Spartans vs the Persians... Ali vs Frazier... Sonic the Hedgehog vs Dr. Robotnik... and now, Wallace vs Wallace.
The best friends and former partners in crime went to war in this one: The Bull vs The Piston. The Corn Rows vs The Bald Spot/Grey Patch/Permanent Piece of Gum -- What the hell IS that thing?. Ben vs. Rasheed.
Known as one of the best defenders in the league, Wallace was able to chase Wallace around the court whenever Wallace touched the ball, forcing Wallace to drop back for 3-balls. Unfortunately for Wallace, Wallace was able to develop the hot hand and hit these threes. Eventually, Wallace adjusted to Wallace's deadly perimeter game and began to come rumbling after Wallace like a defensive end after Seahawks backup quarterback Seneca Wallace. So, the Wallaces banged in the paint as free agent Gerald Wallace watched from the crowd while listening to the late great Christopher Wallace (Biggie for all you white folk) on his iPod.
With 5 fouls a piece from beating the crap out of each other, the teams big men need to defer to their guards down the stretch and they go off.
Billups for 3. True. Gordon responds. Hamilton from 19. Matched by Hinrich.
Two minutes left to go... It's crunch time.
Detroit leans heavily on Mr. Big Shot. And he delivers.
But Chicago doesn't fade away. Their offense comes from that wacky Argentinian Andres Nocioni... who develops a touch from downtown that hasn't been seen since Hersey Hawkins in NBA Live 95. Dagger after dagger after dagger.
With the game tied at 46, Detroit adjusts by putting their stopper, Tayshaun Prince with his Dhalsimlike arms in tact, on Nocioni. This forces the ball out to Ben Gordon. Gordon drives...
DENIED BY WEBBER! ... who impressively managed to go from the NBA's Most Grossly Overpaid Player to the NBA's Most Underpaid player in a span of about a month.
The Webber rejection leads to a Detroit fast break. Carlos Delfino, replacing Richard Hamilton who needed to clear the fog off his facemask, goes up for a layup...
... BUT IS DECAPITATED BY THE BONY WRISTS OF LUOL DENG!
...Literally. Fatality timeout is called by the refs, and after a brief moment of silence (sponsored by GoDaddy.com), Hamilton checks back into the game and shoots the 2 free throws in memory of his fallen homie.
Pistons lead 48-46. 70 seconds of the clock. Huge possession. The Pistons man up on defense. Ben Gordon does that thing where he dribbles a whole lot but doesn't really go anywhere. The shot clock winds down. He drives...
Webber fills the lane, in position to take the charge...
...But dishes behind him at the last second to...
... TYRUS THOMAS?!?!
The rookie forward quickly makes the sign of the cross before unleashing a prayer...
...a knuckleball that ends up making its way towards the hoop, luckily hitting the rim...
...bouncing upward, hitting off the top of the hoop...
...rolling around along the top of the hoop...
...and somehow, some way...
... going through the net!
49-48 Bulls. Tyrus Thomas does a celebratory cartwheel and asks for a microphone... forgetting that he's supposed to be covering Rasheed Wallace on defense. Prince throws the full court heave to Rasheed and he slams it home.
50-49 Pistons. 44 seconds left. Hinrich quickly dribbles up the court. He feeds the ball to Deng, who hits a cutting Ben Wallace...
Who is HACKED by Chris Webber, preventing a dunk.
The Palace crowd goes crazy, trying to make life a living hell for their former All-Star center turned divisional rival: Benedictarnold Wallace. They bang their thundersticks. They yell and scream. They hold up signs with difficult 4th grade level algebra equations. Everything in their power to prevent their tinyhanded nemesis from making these shots.
Wallace at the line... and he shoots his first free throw two-handed underhand granny style.
It's good! The crowd boos.
He takes his second shot... and it too is good! The man so incredibly loved by the Pistons fans during their title run... has just put two nails in the coffin of their 2007 title hopes... in the form of two homosexual looking free throws.
Bulls lead 51-50. 36 seconds on the clock. It's all going to come down to this possession.
Billups dribbles up the court. He passes to Rasheed who is guarded by Thomas. Rasheed finds Hamilton coming off a Webber screen... Hamilton stops... He snaps... he crackles.. he pops...
HE GETS STUFFED BY BEN WALLACE!
An all out scramble for the ball breaks out, and is eventually won by the outstretched arms of Dhalsim Prince. Pistons reset. Twelve seconds left on the shot clock.
Billups with the ball. Gordon defends. Chauncey looks up. Nobody's open. He stutter-steps. Stops. Lets loose a three. Can Mr. Big Shot do it again?
The ball flies toward the rim in perfect rotation...
...Every single pair of eyes in the arena is locked on to the hoop...
... Well, except for that guy sitting behind the busty blonde in the Pistons t-shirt two sizes too small, but nonetheless...
... it hits the rim...
... AND BOUNCES OUT TO BE SNAGGED BY BEN WALLACE! NO GOOD! NO GOOD!
...What the? What the hell is going on?
[Cue the sound of electrical failure.]
As soon as Wallace lands after bottling up the board, the PALACE lights go out!
The crowd oohs and ahhs... what the hell is happening here?
[But mere seconds later, they are to find out. The lights come back on. And as they do, the thousands in attendance and millions watching at home discover a shocking situation.
That basketball which was just, a split second ago, secured away in the monster arms of Ben Wallace?
It's not there.
In fact, Ben Wallace isn't holding a damn thing as he is LAID OUT in the paint... next to the unconscious body of his teammate Tyrus Thomas.]
WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?
[In addition to the lifeless bodies, there are two other men in the paint, both holding something of note.
The first man... standing no more than two feet from the hoop... is Rasheed Wallace, holding the leather basketball previously in Ben's possession. Rasheed has a startled look on his face, as he looks towards the second man...
A man whose infamous actions here at the Palace will NEVER be forgotten...
A man who is a self-admitted former special ed student...
A man who aspires to be a hip hop mogul...
A man who is craziest thing to ever come out of St John's University...
And finally... a man who is a well-known enemy of Ben Wallace.]
RON ARTEST!!! BAHH GAWD!!! IT'S RON ARTEST!!!
[Indeed it is. And the troubled Sacramento Kings guard/forward greets Rasheed with a nod and a smile. In his hands? A cold, steel folding chair.]
DID HE JUST? DID RON ARTEST DO THIS?!?
[Meanwhile, Rasheed looks down at his former teammate's body and doesn't know what to do... The clock ticks down:
6!
CROWD: "SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!"
5!
CROWD: "SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!"
[Rasheed's glance continues to turn from his fallen friend... to Artest... to the hoop. He shakes his head in disgust.]
4!
CROWD: "SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!"
3!
CROWD: "SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!
[And just like that... Rasheed's look of disgust transforms... into a sly smirk. He nods at Artest, spits on Big Ben's body... takes one dribble, rises...
And stuffs it home!]
2!
1!
*BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT*
PISTONS WIN! PISTONS WIN! BAHH GAWD, THE PISTONS WIN THANKS TO RON ARTEST!
[Rasheed and Artest embrace in a hug. The crowd... who were no strangers in voicing their hate of this man... are shouting in unison:]
"RON!"
"RON!"
"RON!"
"RON!"
"RON!"
"RON!"
"RON!"
MAHH GAWD, THIS IS PANDEMONIUM! WE'RE OUT OF TIME! MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON OUR NBA SOULS!
[Credits roll.]
-----------------------------------
Check back soon for the Western Conference semi-finals.
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longest article ever
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