I’m not a fan at all of preview articles. To me, they’re more reviews of the last season than Nostradamus-like glimpses into the future. Ev-ery article, ev-ery league, ev-ery year is the same with same championship teams in the top 2 or 3 and the good team that improve via off-season signing. And for that, the Buck stops here (and I'm not talking about Michael Redd and his inevitable return too soon from injury).
If you didn’t already notice by now, I don’t like cookie cutter systems. Cookie cutter systems are the ones that have me drafting Larry Johnson in fantasy football no matter how low I drop him. These are the systems that tell you that Jamarcus Russell is the can’t miss prospect despite the logical reasons to think the contrary. They’re also the ones that cause NBA GM’s to inexplicably sign and resign Tim Thomas, despite the fact that he hasn’t cared about actually playing basketball since his 11th grade. Generally, I prefer to use logic and if all else fails, NBA 2K10's rating system (jk). So now, for the first time this year you will get the 2009-10 NBA Season in REview; and what better way to do that than to unveil the official and unofficial off-season awards.
MVP: The Most Valuable player is LeBron James. I’m sorry. There’s just no other way I could cut it. He is the best player in the league, and he will continue to be the best player for the next 10 years (or until his knee gives out, most likely, 3 minutes after signing with the Knicks.)
Rookie of the Year: Brandon Jennings… I even threatened to call this the Kenyon Martin Award or the Smartest Retard award for a draft class weaker than Kevin Durant but does Blake Griffin qualify for indirectly making his team better by inspiring the two guys he'd be taking minutes from to have career years? Jennings-mania has already caught on, with 102% of people calling him the next AI. The question now is, who is the next BJ? Tim Thomas, put your hand down.
NBA Finals Matchup: Cavaliers VS Spurs… Yes a return to glory for the San Antonio Slow-But-Steady- Spurs…
NBA Champions: Poppovich realizes that the only man on earth that could guard LeBron James plays for the Cavs and is named LeBron James. Ginobili pulls out the right side of his hair in Game 1 not-so-surprisingly easily, then shaves his head. LeBron confuses him for a smaller Ilgauskas and turns it over to him in the waning moments of Game 6, blowing the game and the series. During the Post-game interview, he tears his Cavs jersey down the middle to reveal a Knicks jersey he's been wearing all along underneath, going on to proclaim that he is now the King of New York. An enraged Mike Brown hits LeBron with a steel chair and Al Roker, seated in the front row next to Spike Lee is arrested out of confusion. Somewhere, Vince McMahon smiled, but only as a side effect of steroid abuse.
OK. For all of you who wanted the Cliff’s Notes, this is where your article ends. But then again Cliff's Notes sole purpose is to get you to pass English and if you were actually reading this for your English class, then perhaps your teacher should find a new profession. For all of you who are still awake , the awkwardly uncomfortable foreplay is now complete and we can finally get to the fun stuff. No homo.
The Michael Jackson Award – For the guy who just died all of a sudden, but really wasn’t all that surprising either: Stephon Marbury… career dropped off faster than Steve and Barry’s after releasing the Starbury 2. Hmmm...
The Stevie Franchise Award – For the guy who everyone thinks is great but then gets traded and all of a sudden loses all playing ability: Despite Elton Brand lobbying for the award this year claiming a ‘Red-Shirt’ for last year, he had no shot up against Hedo Turkoglu who realized that his open threes were mainly manufactured by the wildly overgrown child in the middle.
The Brian Scalabrine Award – For the guy riddled with limitations on the basketball court but really does one thing well and will always kill you for it: Eddie House. Very rarely do you get two award candidates on the same team and one of them actually takes the award but this is indeed the case, especially when theres "Eddie Houses" playing against you in every Men's League nationwide, and you know exactly how the stumpy 3-point gunner plays.
The Shawn Marion Award - For the guy whose fantasy numbers trump their actual value to their real team: Andris Beidrins. He’s like a Dwight Howard… if he was skinny, white, and not dominantly athletic. Oh, and btw, that’s not a good thing. Apologies to Troy Murphy as he would have been a lock, had he been able to lift a lock without getting hurt.
The Curtis Martin award – For the guy who everyone says is underrated so much that everyone in the world says he’s underrated, thus making him overrated: Andre Iguodala… good defender, efficient scorer. That’s it. Getting 1st option money when he's a 4th option at best.
The Leon Washington award – for the guy who everyone says is underrated, yet is still severely underrated: Danny Granger. Like 2004 fantasy Shawn Marion, only the real-life version.
The LaDanian Tomlinson Award – for the guy whose value made you love him but suffers an injury and never is the same player again, thus crippling your franchise: Well, Allen Iverson was the obvious award winner here last year, and he actually was a front runner for it again here this year if we didn’t completely see it coming. Ultimately the award has to go to Yao Ming, who after trying to come back way too soon from foot woes, had another ‘successful’ surgery mid-season.
The James Posey Award (Formerly the Jerome James Award) – for the guy who had one good Playoff last year and gets a ridiculous amount of money for doing so little, thus crippling the team’s salary cap: Marcin Gortat. Career backup big man. Didn’t the Magic ever watch footage of Jerome James? Apparently Otis Smith doesn’t know Youtube.
The Pre-Garnett Paul Pierce Award – for the player who is clearly a 3rd or 4th option on a Championship team, but gets overrated as a superstar because his team is terrible: Joe Johnson… come on… he’s a shooter who can dribble.
The Eddie Curry Award – For the player who with unlimited upside that the fans just started to realize will never reach that potential: Marvin Williams. Pains me to say it and I don’t hate the Hawks, for your entertainment. With him getting drafted over much better options, he has essentially become Joe Smith 2.0. Ironically, Joe Smith is now on the same team, perhaps serving as a mentor, as the Hawks wanted to ensure Williams remained remarkably average.
The Zach Randolph Award – For the player who undoubtedly will hoist up the worst shot at the worst possible time: Zach Randolph/Allen Iverson. Much like Stockton and Malone winning the Co-MVP for the All-Star game, there is no better combination than what the Grizzills decided to use to stunt the growth of their young team.
The Lazarus Award – The guy who was brought back from the dead: Last year Shaquille O’Neal ran away with the award. This year he was a candidate for the Michael Jackson. This year Manu Ginobili brought back Happy Days to San Antonio… and reminiscent laughs for fans of Balki from “Perfect Strangers”. His new nickname should be Nick at Nite.
The Jamarcus Russell Award – The guy who deep down in your heart knew was a huge draft bust, yet was drafted anyway and turns out to be even worse: Hasheem Thabeet… so many things I just don’t like… in particular a big guy lacking big guy skills.
The Lamar Odom Award – For the small forward who is a combination of size, ball handling skill, and 3-point shooting ability making analysts pee themselves claiming they have never seen such a combination: Carmelo Anthony.
So there you have it. Go place your bets! And remember, Marbury is a mortal lock for the Jackson.
