Monday, December 31, 2007

Short shorts come up short

Despite playing in their boxers, the Lakers still lost 110-90 on Sunday. Actually, it was retro night at the Staples Center and the Lakers sported the ol' Stocktons for a half. To fake quote Kobe Bryant, "The short shorts didn't bother me at all. I actually liked them. No homo."

Giants-Pats Game Journal

15:00 - Giants win toss. Eli Manning is instantly disappointed because he read that they’d only get three breaks the entire game and they wasted one on the coin toss.

1st Quarter

14:21 – Eli Manning throws a 52-yard completion to Plaxico Burress. Although disappointed that he overthrew Ellis Hobbs by 2-yards, he shows no change in emotion.

13:36 – Manning incomplete to Steve Smith. The Giants challenge. They thought he was the Panthers receiver.

11:10 – Eli passes to Brandon Jacobs for a 7-yard touchdown. Giants 6, Patriots 0. Eli assumes it was incomplete and stays on for the extra point. Confused, he kicks the field goal anyway much to the dismay of regular kicker Lawrence Tynes who had been betting against the Giants all season. NYG 7, NE 0.

10:52 – Brady steps onto field for his first game action. Scorekeeper accidentally tallies on a TD by habit. NYG 7, NE 7. The scorekeeper is immediately fired then hired by the Patriots as cameraman. Disgraced NBA ref, Tim Donaghy takes over game-fixing duties.

9:04 – Tom Brady is incomplete to Ben Watson only because if he didn’t, everybody would know he was a machine.

5:24 – Gostkowski kicks 37-yard field goal after a six minute explanation of what a field goal was. NYG 7, NE 3.

3:48 – First Giants three and out of the game. Punter Jeff Feagles celebrates the longest he’s had to stay out of the game in a Giants uniform. He punts to Wes Welker who takes a knee after he finds out that return yards don’t count in Fantasy Football, so it won’t hurt Jason Paderon’s team.

2:51 – Tom Brady is sacked by newly-signed Giants linebacker Bridget Moynahan. Brady has nostalgic moment of his first Peewee Football Game - the last time he was sacked. Not knowing how to react, referee Tim Donaghy, decides to penalize Corey Webster for illegal contact with Tom Brady's flashbacks and the sack is negated.

2nd Quarter

15:00 - Brady TD pass to Randy Moss. Extra point good. NYG 7, NE 10. Randy Moss spits in humble pie and serves it to a hungry Reuben Droughns.

14:30 – Domenik Hixon, the guy who hit Kevin Everett, temporarily paralyzes the Patriots undefeated season by returning the ensuing kickoff for a touchdown. (Well sorry, but I had to put that in.) Eli Manning throws ball across the field to Tedy Bruschi out of force of habit. NYG 14, NE 10.

10:07 – Brady completes 67th pass of the game to Wes Welker. Welker precedes to trade himself to whomever Jason Paderon’s fantasy team is playing, then kicks the extra point. NYG 14, NE 13.

7:50 – Giants three and out. Feagles punts into end zone.

2:04 – Gostkowski 37 yard field goal is good. NYG 14, NE 16.

1:54 – Eli Manning passes short to the sure-handed veteran, Amani Toomer. Unluckily for the Giants, three weeks ago Amani was replaced with his identical evil twin, Ronde, who drops the pass.

0:18 – Eli 3-yard TD pass to Kevin Boss. NYG 21, NE 16.

End of half. Eli Manning calls brother Peyton and asks how to not blow the game. Peyton replies, "Hand off to Jacobs." Eli misses message as Archie Manning comes in locker room to spank Eli for sneaking cookies before dinner.

3rd Quarter

15:00 – Angry Giants fans riot outside building. They want their tickets back and claim to have the REAL Eli Manning held hostage.

13:34 – Patriots three and out for the first time in the season. Chis Hanson, host of "To Catch a Predator", discovers he is the punter and punts the ball like the dirty pedofile it is.

9:22 – Eli manning 19-yard TD pass to Plaxico Burress. NYG 28, NE 16. Even Eli appears to show a surprised face although it is later discovered to be a “Tummy ache” from all the cookies.

4:06 – Lawrence Maroney runs for a 6-yard TD after every Giants player, coach, and equipment manager covers Randy Moss’s fade route. NYG 28, NE 23. Tom Coughlin ponders whether or not THIS was the time to pull his starting quarterback from the game.

0:37 – Peyton calls Eli to make sure he got the message that he should hand off the ball to Jacobs for the rest of the game. Eli responds by throwing five of the next six, stopping the clock before Jeff Feagles punts. Referee Tim Donaghy is shown taking candy from a baby.

4th Quarter

12:55 – Chris Hanson prays to Tom Brady, asking to let him punt again. Brady grants his wish.

12:46 – Eli hands off to the RB, Invisible Man. Eli recovers the fumble after tripping over his shoe laces.

11:42 – Feagles punts.

11:25 – Tom Brady throws 65-yard incomplete pass to single-covered Randy Moss.

11:15 – Giants coaches pop open champagne in celebration; unaware that the game continued. Meanwhile Tom Brady throws exact same pass to an open Randy Moss for record breaking touchdown. Happiness ensues on both sidelines until the Giants realize that they’re losing again. NYG 28, NE 31.

11:00 – Hixon returns the kick and is pushed out of bounds at the NY 38. Ronde Toomer watches the Patriots’ Brandon Meriweather trip and fall in front of him. Referee Tim Donaghy, fresh from eating some Humble Pie in front of the last episode of Seinfeld calls a 15-yard “Good Samaritan" Penalty.

9:59 – Eli Manning gets picked for the first time by Ellis Hobbs after overthrowing Plaxico Burress. Eli is unhappy but not because he was intercepted but because he was picked last yet again. He stomps his feet as he walks off the field.

4:46 – Lawrence Maroney continues to piss off everybody who drafted him in the 1st round of Fantasy Football drafts by scoring his second TD of the day in a game that means absolutely nothing to Fantasy. NYG 28, NE 38.

4:18 - Manning goes into no-huddle offense in which he thrives. Unfortunately for the Giants, he memorized the “Kill clock” playbook by mistake.

1:08 - Eli completes TD pass to Burress. NYG 35, NE 38.

1:08 – Lawrence Tynes lets out an evil laugh before kicking the onside kick gently into Mike Vrabel’s waiting arms, ending the game.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

The Jets' Future

I am a Jets fan, and this season has been miserable. But to be honest, it was expected. Last season, they were a team devoid of any real talent that far and away exceeded expectations; the fact that they even made the playoffs was a pleasant surprise.

I still believe Mangini is one of the best coaches in the league, even if he is a snitch, and if the Jets get a much-needed infusion of talent, they could be competitive (screw the Patriots, they don’t count).

All this said, what do I believe the Jets need? Help on the lines. The Jets’ two biggest weaknesses are their offensive and defensive lines. The LAST thing the Jets need is Darren McFadden. I am sick of people who believe he should be drafted.

Look at the fall of Shaun Alexander, Larry Johnson and Reggie Bush, among others. Due to the slotting system, the Jets would have to invest $35 million dollars and five years on Darren McFadden, give or take. Let the Patriots take him, who cares? Running backs get abused, and are oft-injured. Now yes, LT and AD are two talents that give one pause, but let’s consider: they run behind fantastic offensive lines, and one can not discount the importance of that. Plus, between the Raiders, Packers and Buccaneers all showed that quality running backs are findable.

Now, I am not taking away anything from running backs, but the franchise tag price of running backs is FALLING as salaries in general increase. What does this indicate? That GMs are realizing, slowly, that while the skill position players get all the press, they don’t win all the games. You know why Peyton Manning and Tom Brady continue to dominate? Because it is a lot easier to throw a ball when you aren’t on your back, just ask David Carr (okay, bad example. He sucks anyway). Ask Marc Bulger how important the offensive line is. The problem is the OL doesn’t sell; they have no real statistics and they are only noticed when they aren’t doing well.

If the Jets are smart, they will do everything possible to sign Alan Faneca, one of the best LGs in the league. The Steelers can not afford him and he has no interest in taking a “hometown discount” (an idiotic idea if I ever heard one, but that’s a complaint for another day), and so will hit free agency. The Jets need him. They have a young offensive line that could use a veteran presence to shore them up.

So if not Darren McFadden, whom should the Jets draft? Well, I don’t know college football well, but an impact DE would be ideal. The Jets’ pass rush is pathetic; they get no pressure unless they blitz, leaving them vulnerable to big plays. Also, the Jets rush defense was in the bottom portion of the league, and that needs to be changed. If teams can run all over you, you lose. The Jets biggest weakness on defense is that their defensive line doesn’t penetrate the line of scrimmage, giving quarterbacks and running backs room to find flaws in the defense and attack. Defensive line help is imperative to fixing this.

So Jets, DON’T draft McFadden. You were smart two years ago and bypassed Leinart, understanding then that you needed offensive line help. In fact, HOPE the Patriots take McFadden. Let them invest so much of their salary cap to an unnecessary player, maybe meaning they can’t resign some of their more valuable players. Take a DE.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

The Patriots may be perfect, but that doesn't mean they're perfect

Just because they had the perfect regular season doesn't mean we can't make fun of the way they look. During the game I just noticed a few similarities in likenesses...




Shrek and Junior Seau










Pat Patriot and Tedy Bruschi






Anybody else notice any similarities? E-Mail me at paderon@chewthemout.com and I'll put them up.

Web Gems: "The Nash"


It really belongs in the Web Gems section on the right bar, but it really is too good to pass up. I love DrunkAthlete.com!

Could this upcoming Giants game be bigger than the Super Bowl?

Never has a meaningless Week 16 Game meant so little, yet so much. Tomorrow's/today's (Whenever you're reading this) Giants-Pats tilt went from a battle of the backups to one in which its not even a question whether the starters will be out there. Which can only mean one of two things... the Giants organization either believes it has a chance or it doesn't want to get embarrassed on every channel from NBC, to ABC to Lifetime.

You may think to yourself, "Self, look at this. Just another New Yorker talking up his better than average team like its a Super Bowl contender." Well tell yourself that you couldn't be more wrong.

Aside from the fact that I am a Jets fan, it is besides the point. And as a Jets fan you know there is nothing I'd like more than another Boston milestone blocked by another New York team. Do I really believe its going to happen? No. Should the Giants be playing the starters? My answer is yes.

If you asked anybody last week if this game was even going to be remotely competitive after the Giants clinched a playoff berth they would say no. That was until the media stepped in. If the Colts-Pats in the regular season was the Pre-Super Bowl, this is the Post-Pre-Super Bowl. Or the Pre-Pre-Superbowl. Any way you cut it, it's as if the Giants are getting that playoff-like contender attitude and experience they would have never had otherwise.

And if they lose, they could very well go on and win the Super Bowl because of the atmosphere. Baby Eli finally his chance to shine or falter in the national spotlight. Giants fans will finally find out whether Eli is the Quarterback of the future or the Ryan Leaf of the past.

That being said, I would say that I'm about 80% sure the Patriots will win. I mean let's face it, as much as you Giants fans want to talk about how many times Osi and Strahan can pressure Brady, is he even the type to be affected? No. Never mind the fact that the Giants' themselves have their own problems, and not just the injuries. Their week-by-week gameplan seems to have more wrinkles than Junior Seau's face.

As much as I may hate it, all us Jets fans are Giants fans tomorrow and win or lose, let's just hope for a Brady season-ending injury. That's right.

Friday, December 28, 2007

Thank goodness for George Mitchell...

For without him, I wouldn't know what to do with myself. Heck, I almost did steroids but now that I see what has happened, it might not be worth it. I'll just work hard and do things the right way.

Anybody who believed the previous is hereby banned from returning their stupidity to this website. We at ChewThemOut.com have enough problems. WE, in general, have enough problems. It's a good thing our government is taking out the time and money to assure us that every homerun hit will be the direct result of the weight lifting time gained from skipping classes in high school. You know, it's not like we're at war or anything.

After months and months of our tax dollars being poured into this 'revolutionary' investigation we see that the fruits of Mitchell's labor just happened to be, well exactly what happens when you eat fruit... crap. And did anybody else find it just a teeny (Barry Bonds') weeny bit suspicious that neither Mitchell's team (The Red Sox), nor the commish's team (The Brewers), nor the President's team (The Rangers) had no real superstars named? Not that Mitchell would omit anything, but perhaps he purposely didn't dig deep enough. Just a thought.

Oh what? You expected an in-depth report, delving into every user in a uniform? You expected Santa Mitchell to check his MVP list twice to see who had been naughty and nice? You expected ground-breaking stuff? OF COURSE YOU DID!

What did we get? A half-assed 6th-Grade level book report with two not-so-reliable sources, both in New York. I could have just read the Mitchell Report's first edition written by Jose Canseco.

So now we have maybe a quarter of estimated 'drug cheats' named, and even with not enough evidence to convict them in court, they've forever stamped the careers of 80 men with the Ecko Unlimited brand asterisk in the minds of fairweather sports fans everywhere.

And even those guys have either denied use or have only used once then stopped after all the guilt set in. What happened to the prolonged and excessive steroid abusers who's daily regimen's included taking more hormones in the butt than Richard Jefferson? (We hear the rumors RJ... we hear...)

Maybe that will be in the sequel.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Web Gems: Captions















Don't forget to include your email addresses in the comments!

Web Gems: Caption Time Again!

Think of the best caption for this picture and win a free ChewThemOut.com bottle opener keychain! Be sure to leave your e-mail address with your post so we know where to send your prize. Good luck!

Friday, September 21, 2007

The Playoff Picture through the Eyes of a Yankee fan

Finally… Baseball has come back…. to ChewThemOut.com! ::Applause:: ::WWE lawsuit::

Somebody had to break up the football monotony. Well here it is...

Perhaps all you Yankee-hating brethren had written them off too early. And best of all as you watched the Yankees ascend towards the peak of the Major league standings, these same people are watching their own ‘insurmountable’ September leads shrink faster than Raphael Palmiero in the bedroom.

But let’s take a Bob Ross-like view of the playoff landscape, from the point of view of the Yankee fans. The exciting Brewers-Cubs race? We really don’t care. There are really just four teams the Yankees are worried about: The Red Sox, the Angels, The Mets and the Yankees.

The Red Sox

As it stands, the Red Sox and the Yankees are both in. And any Red Sox fan cannot feel too pleased about that. With Eric Gagne’s newfound horribility, Okajima’s fatigued arm, Manny’s being Manny and all the innings suddenly taking its effect on Dice-K’s arm, it would be safe to say all’s not well in Beantown. Hey you could hang your newly purchased faded hat on Josh Beckett and Mike Lowell but we both know it’s going to take more than that and Kevin Youkillis HBP’s to get past the Yankees.

The Yankees

And as for those Yankees, it’s funny that with the performance-enhanced lineup that the Yankees put out in the beginning of the season, that all you needed was a little Joba with Melky to make it potent. (Barry Bonds just took about 19 of those) Their enthusiasm has resurrected a once-dead clubhouse, and given the fair-weather Yankee-lovers something to watch other than A-Rod do his best impression of his MVP year with the Rangers. But even as good as the Yankees look, they still don’t want to face the Angels.

The Angels

Unless the Yanks were to surpass the Angels in the standings, it seems as if they’re headed for a round one collision with destiny against a team that’s always been their Kryptonite. With their three-headed monster of unheralded aces in Kelvim Escobar, John Lackey and Jared Weaver; compounded with a small-ball team and a glove-less batter who hits intentional walks for average its safe to say the other guys aren’t exactly jumping to play against them either. And if the playoff picture holds up, it seems as if this might be the team to beat.

The Mets

And as a New Yorker, I really do feel for you Mets fans. Not only do you cheer when Boston makes fun of New Yorkers, since you hate the Yankees more than you love yourselves, but your confidence is now shaken. Just when you thought you were on the cusp of goodness (let’s be real now), you realize that perhaps you were a little drunk when you took that hot supermodel home. I hold out hope, because the Mets are still the best team in the National League (as long as they don’t smell cheesesteak) and should have an express ticket for the World Series to play a vastly superior AL team. But hey, chances are the Yankees won’t be there. So I guess you’ll be happy first, and sad second.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Toon Them Out: Beckham to the US




















Originally posted at ChewThemOut.com by Lynsey Brandwein.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Kiss My Asterisk

There's no more denying it. No hoping that his plaguing injuries of the past few years keep him from ever returning to the plate. No more wishing that his battle worn knees give out while he's patrolling left field. Hell, even your last ditch option of a disgruntled Dodgers fan taking one for the team via 12mm steel is nothing more than a sick, twisted fantasy.

With the media running rampant nowadays, it is often hard to determine the difference between the biased, agenda driven hype material presented as fact... and actual fact. Want hype? Tune in to your local sports station to hear how Barry Bonds: framed Michael Vick, spat on white people, was the mastermind behind 9/11, killed The OC's Marissa Cooper, and tested positive for steroids.

But the facts... and I suggest you Bonds haters get yourself a nice tall glass of water, because this pill might be hard to swallow: Barry Bonds is the 43 year old left-fielder for the San Francisco Giants. And, as of the time of this writing, he is as good of a home run hitter as any man in history.

Home runs seem to be everyone's obsession. Chicks dig the long ball, and writers like throwing steroid accusations at the guys who hit them. Stop your blind hatred for a minute and try to be objective. Who knows? Maybe then you'll realize that the man who just blasted the legendary Hank Aaron off of the Home Run Throne and into McCovey Cove like a belt-high fastball... the "steroid taking cheater"... the "self-absorbed asshole"... is so much more than a home run hitter.

Mark McGwire is a home run hitter. Sammy Sosa is a home run hitter. Mashers with .270 career batting averages. They strike out and pop up. They have the defensive prowess of Eddy Curry. Basically, when they're not knocking the ball out of the park, they're not helping their teams.

But Bonds? The man is a HITTER, period. Not a "power hitter". Not a "contact hitter." Placing him in any one of these groups is a huge injustice. He is Major League Baseball's walking buffet table.

You want power? Bonds hit 25+ home runs in fourteen different seasons -- including four times while wearing his anorexic Pittsburgh Pirate costume. He hit 40+ home runs in eight different seasons.

Forget power, though... lets say you need a baserunner. Well, there is NOBODY better than Bonds here. "Barroid" posted an on base percentage of .400+ in 17 of his 21 MLB seasons, including a "WTF" mind-numbing .609 in 2004.

But whatever, old ladies can draw walks. You want guys in scoring position? Just give Bonds the sign and watch him steal second. Yep, in addition to his absurd power numbers, the man was also one of the best base stealers of his time, racking up 25+ steals in 12 different seasons.

Need some defense? Eight Gold Gloves says that #25 measures up here as well.

So as we bicker back and forth about whether or not his accusations should taint his title as "Home Run King"... I think that it is a moot point. Because if I'm Barry Bonds, with a bag of tricks that would make Harry Houdini jealous, I would be offended by that title, which insinuates a one-dimensional player.

Has he taken steroids? Probably. Certainly, according to every washed up outfielder with a pressing need to sell books (Money management is overrated, huh?). I'm not going to play dumb here. But it's easy to throw accusations around. Even someone with a girly arm like Johnny Damon could toss those out there. Hell, we can be 99% sure that Bonds is a juicer. The majority of us are 99+% sure that OJ Simpson killed his wife... but no matter what we may think about it, the burden of proof is what it is. Until you show up with a urine sample saying otherwise, the only thing Bonds has ever tested positive for are amphetamines -- and you can ask Neifi Perez how much those help in hitting the ball out of the park.

Don't get me wrong...while I don't share it, I can understand the hatred for the man. I'm not a Bonds fan boy by any means. I think he is incredibly arrogant. I think he has a horrible attitude toward his fans. He refuses to bend to the media's wishes. As a person, he sucks. But, so what? Nobody is nominating the man for sainthood.

He's never going to be the face of a major corporation. He's never going to be a billion dollar clothing tycoon. He's never going to be a media darling. We have enough of those, very few of whom possess talent in even the same stratosphere as Bonds. They get the fat endorsement checks and the public adoration.

But Bonds? He doesn't want any of that. He wants his family, his privacy, and his legacy.

While he may suck hardcore as a celebrity, the man is a baseball player. One whose career is winding down. One who is soon to ride off into the sunset, away from the public eye that he's battled with for 22 years. In all likelihood, there are about two months left in the life of Barry Bonds: Baseball Player.

With his accomplishments forcing him into the forefront of the sports world, it is impossible to ignore him.

So, the decision is ours. We can either spend these last few months hating the MAN we hardly know (as much as we think we do)...

Or, we can spend them celebrating the career of the PLAYER who was the greatest of his time.

Originally posted at ChewThemOut.com by Mario Castelli

Friday, July 20, 2007

No-Brainers

If anything was evident in the Vegas Summer league, it was that the Greg Odens and the Kevin Durants were not as ready for the NBA as the Lebrons or the Carmelos.

Say what you will about Durant’s so-called “scoring ability,” simple fact is that he was outplayed almost every time he stepped onto the court. And people were so worried about him getting pushed around by the bigger guys, but it was Renaldo Balkman’s stringy self that was trying Durant down.

What I saw out of Durant was a guy who pretty much looked like what he is: The younger kid who was too good and too big for the kids his age, so the powers-that-be moved him up to the big boys.

The problem is that unlike the college level, these guys are going to be just as athletic, just as tall, or both. And he’s always going to be skinnier, at least for the first couple years. He simply wasn’t ready for the jump.

Oden, on the other hand, had scouts drooling last year as if he was Jessica Biel in a bikini. But the problem is that he too was not ready. I remember hearing from a commentator, “If Greg Oden was in the NBA right now, he’d be on the all-defensive team.”

If the summer league was any indication, that commentator and the masses of his supporters can hold their horses.

Before Oden went and got his tonsils removed like a 8-year-old boy, he looked like an 8-year-old boy, be it a 7’0 260 lb, caveman-looking, 40-year-old, 8-year-old boy. But even he wasn’t ready.

The system is all screwed up. Kids like Oden, Durant, and next year, O.J. Mayo; they are all not ready for the limelight. But they are raised in an educational system where it really doesn’t matter if they pass English class; they have an NBA career ahead of them.

So what’s the point David Stern? What’s the point of waiting a year after High School or not waiting at all? These guys would think they were ready if the age requirement was lowered to sixth grade.

And for every LeBron, how many Kwame Browns are there who ruined their whole life thinking NBA stardom was ahead. Even worse, these guys expect it now. They expect to be stars as soon as they get there.

Then come the Renaldo Balkmans of the world to bring them back to earth, along with all the media that have been along for the ride in their rectal cavities.

I believe in the end this will be a mute point. I believe Durant and Oden will be NBA players. They just aren’t now. But David Stern has to stop pretending that a year of college will do anything for them.

If recent events have shown anything, a year of college can actually hurt your draft stock. Just ask this year’s 9th pick, Joakim Noah, who would have gone #1 last year.

The system is made so that even these uneducated morons can see that it’s really a no-brainer when it comes to staying in college and risking injury among other things, or taking lucrative offers from endorsement companies to promote their products. This is their life-long dream. And unready or not, it’s really not their problem. It’s the NBA and its sponsors.

So why are we acting like its about the education?

Saturday, July 14, 2007

This off-season, like this article, probably doesn't even matter

MLB.com has a fantasy game called Free Agent Frenzy this year; and certainly this year’s “hot stove” seems to be anything but. This off-season does show promise as being one of the biggest free agent markets in history, with the current Home Run King (Barry Bonds), and his potential successor (Alex Rodriguez) both up for bidding.

However, while the majority of writers seem to be frantic about calculating where each member of this star-studded free agency will land, this reporter intends to point out how little significance this year’s market will have on the upcoming season.

It is unfair for me to bias myself upon being a Red Sox fan, so I will do my best to stay neutral. Oh, wait. The Red Sox aren’t losing anybody. Wakefield, Schilling, and soon Mike Lowell, have already resigned with the franchise. The only other alternatives I see for Lowell are the Dodgers - who eat up every Red Sox free agent after a World Series run (see: Garciaparra, Lowe, and Mueller), or the Braves. I look at the Dodgers because I wonder about Nomar playing third base after jostling around the infield of Tinseltown for the past three years, playing short, first and third since his signing with Los Angeles. They could certainly use the bat, not to mention the PR.

The Atlanta Braves could have a stake in the Mike Lowell saga with the continuing uselessness of one Chipper Jones. While he has been a foundation of the team that spawned one of the greatest pitching trilogies in history (Maddux, Smoltz, Glavine), he has become highly injury-prone and often sluggish at the plate in the past two seasons. (It doesn’t take too much to win my metaphoric heart, but I think that if Jones could muster a full season with at least 130 games, it could happen.) It would not hurt Lowell to go to a team that has been willing to spend a little money these past few years in hopes to rebuild a team that once was abundantly triumphant.

While we’re talking about third basemen, we might as well discuss Alex Rodriguez. Oh wait, wasn’t he a shortstop? I think it’s fair to say that most of this country has failed to recognize the fact that A-Rod practically refused to move to third base at the end of the 2003 season, before signing with the Yankees. Only one team has even brought up the notion of A-Rod moving to a different position than third, and that was the Toledo Mud Hens in jest. Could it be possible that with a wide variety of talented third basemen on each of the teams that can afford Mr. Rodriguez, that he will find himself playing shortstop instead?

Let’s think about this: what teams can afford the overpriced Alex Rodriguez, and would consider paying him to bring them to at least a Division Series? I’ll give you a few: LA Dodgers, LA Angels, Boston Red Sox, New York Yankees, and Atlanta Braves. I will keep the analyses short, since I’m sure you’ve heard all the stories.

The Dodgers could use A-Rod because it could keep Nomar either comfortably at third, or move him back to shortstop. It would be much like the Jeter-Rodriguez combo that held the fort on that side of the infield in the Bronx, so long as Garciaparra can keep up his end of it. Also, with Torre, we know that A-Rod will get the backing of his manager when going into contract negotiations. The two know each other and may be interested in picking up where they left off in New York.

The Angels have denied that they want A-Rod, as they should. For some reason, a lot of people think this is a good fit, but I fail to recognize the need for A-Rod on a team with Vlad Guererro, Orlando Cabrera and Chone Figgins. Right there you have power, a shortstop and a third baseman, all with All-Star quality and the experience to get to the postseason.

I have already exhausted the need for a good third baseman in Atlanta, but their need is even greater at short, where A-Rod could easily take over for the much lesser players on the Braves depth chart. Currently the two players (Escobar and Orr) combine for 5 home runs and 30 RBIs last season. Anybody think the Braves should be reading this article?

The Boston Red Sox wanted a quality offensive shortstop last year and picked up the potential All-Star Julio Lugo and placed him at the top of their order. He provided the speed that Johnny Damon once gave them, but certainly not the batting average. Think that if they’re willing to spend as much money on him, that they might consider giving A-Rod something of a looksee at that position if he doesn’t resign with the Yankees and nobody else can pick up the outstanding bill he is asking for? And who knows? If Lowell moves, the Red Sox will have some extra money to spend on a third baseman, and GM Theo Epstein has already publicly shown interest.

We all know that the Yankees want A-Rod back. He and Joe Torre are the primary reason why the team made it to the playoffs at all last year. Since Steinbrenner couldn’t bring Torre back, they’ve focused on getting Rivera, Posada and most importantly, Rodriguez back in the line card. But can the Yankees afford a $100M contract for a player who chokes in the postseason?

Let’s now discuss the players that may have impact on the next season. Paul Lo Duca will probably be done with his career as a first-stringer, with the Mets looking at Yorvit Torrealba to take over behind the plate. It wouldn’t hurt Lo Duca to do what Mike Piazza did in this situation a few years ago: go to the AL and try for a designated hitter job.

Lo Duca’s move may also be that of Barry Bonds. In the midst of another good controversy, in which Bonds has refused to attend his own induction ceremony, so long as the marked home-run record-setting baseball is displayed in the Hall of Fame; Bond could use a steroid-free and controversy-free season to boost his PR with the sports writers of America. The best way to do that may be to sit on the bench and take a few swings every nine at-bats as a DH. Since the NL doesn’t have this option, it makes little sense for teams like the Giants to sign him. He’s grown old and weak around the bases, and perhaps he, like Roger Clemens, should just hang his hat and give it a rest. But so long as he doesn’t, teams like the White Sox, Blue Jays, and Athletics may be willing to give him a shot to prove himself as a hitter again, as they did for Thome, Thomas, and Piazza.

Schilling and Wakefield are already going to give a nice buffer to the Red Sox lineup, and with a very young team with no significant players set on leaving, they may prove that a six-man pitching rotation can work. Terry Francona has already suggested that with Beckett, Matsuzaka, Schilling, Wakefield, Lester, and Buckholtz, there is a chance to dominate the American League with pitching alone. Oh yeah, and they’ve got some pretty good hitters too (see: Ortiz, Ramirez, Pedroira, Youkilis).

I’ll run down the list of free agents that MLB.com thinks will impact.

Torii Hunter did a fantastic job as the gold-glove winning center fielder for the Twins, but with the recent comments by Johann Santana, as well as the overall feel of the Minnesota franchise, several free agents will suspend any thoughts of sticking with the team with other options on the table. At least for the next year or two. I expect Hunter to find his way to a team like the White Sox. The Yankees had expressed some interest in him earlier last season, but when Miguel Cabrera started to fill in well with his speed and his glove for the injured Hideki Matsui, the club started to consider the possibility that they had an overly-stable outfield in Damon, Cabrera, Matsui and Abreu. Hunter may also be a considerable option for the Red Sox, who were not terribly pleased with the performance of Coco Crisp throughout the season, and may look to put Hunter in his place, or even rotate him or another outfielder for the sometimes weary J.D. Drew.

Andruw Jones had a mediocre season last year, and may not be the top free agent on the market, but expect him to be wanted back by the Braves. Other than that, he will be fighting for a spot against Torii Hunter, who is younger, faster, and has more potential in his youth. But Jones also picked up the Gold Glove this season for his job in center.

Bartolo Colon and Tom Glavine are a pair of pitchers who were once dominant, but have stuttered greatly in the past two years; mostly due to injury. I’d watch Colon to stay in the AL, and go to a lesser team than the Angels for a little less money, where he can be the number one guy, while Tom Glavine is expected to dig back into his roots at Atlanta, rejoining with former teammate John Smoltz. Now all Atlanta needs to do is get Maddux back and they’ll have a team of old and useless oafs who can’t figure out when to take that AAA coaching job.

I’ve already mentioned, and most have already heard: Rivera and Posada have already talked to the Yankees and both been offered deals. The odds of another team taking Rivera for an equal contract are slim, and Posada will likely stay in pinstripes, where he feels he belongs.

I also think Aaron Rowand will be staying in Philadelphia. But even though MLB.com claims him to be a hot topic, I haven’t read anything discussing his potential as a free agent. Funny how we grasp at straws when all we have to talk about is Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez, Mike Lowell and a manager.

To say the least, don’t expect the playoffs to be determined by what happens this off-season. Sure, whatever team picks up A-Rod will get a few more notches in their wins column because of it, but they will also suffer a few more losses from all they had to give up for his contract. Torre may be able to bring another team that Grady Little failed with back into orbit; and without much depth, Torre may be the only man capable of doing so. In my opinion, MLB.com’s “hot stove” has turned itself into Plath’s oven. Have I really discussed anything exciting today?

No.

Go watch the Celtics.

Baseball is boring this off-season. I need a better job.

Originally posted at ChewThemOut.com by Andrew Keating

Thursday, July 12, 2007

I Support Barry Bonds

I support Barry Bonds. Somebody has to, and it might as well be me. And you should too. Now before you condemn me to walk a plank straight into McCovey Cove, hear me out.

Yes, I think Bonds used steroids. But I also believe Roger Clemens, Lance Armstrong, Evander Holyfield, Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa did too. So what?

Now I’m not here to make excuses for this guy. I just feel for him. He came into the league a skinny base-stealer. 13 Hat sizes later he’s approaching the “most hallowed record in all of sports” (Gee, whoever wrote that line must be a billionaire) and it has angered traditionalists everywhere. Most of the people outside of Rice-a-roni’s birthplace don’t want him to break the record… or so they say.

Everywhere Bonds goes, he is a star. He’s the only reason almost every away game he goes to sells out. The only guy who’s been at this level in my lifetime is Michael Jordan. The difference is that everywhere he goes instead of being cheered, he’s booed. And while everybody claims to hate him, they’re giving him no reason to stop using steroids because they’re there at the games.

Every time a fan boos his actions, every negative quotation of his they put in newspapers, every tell-all book that comes out, every person that states that they won't be there Bonds indeed does break the record; it all adds to his persona as the perfect super-heel of sports, and we needed that.

It actually surprises me that Bonds doesn’t get more love. After all, don’t you get tired of always cheering for the good guys? I for one am. It feels good when you’re wearing a Yankee jersey while your team beats up on the Milwaukee Brewers. And anybody with an “Austin 3:16” t-shirt in their hamper should know the feeling too. Sometimes you just get tired of the superhero. It gets old. But people like Barry are the types of guys that pave the way for the world to love A-Rod and Albert Pujols when they surpass Bonds.

So what! Bonds cheated. How does that affect you? His destroying of his own body means little to nothing in your life. But when he hits that record-breaker, that’s something you’re going to tell your easily influenced 6’6” 300 lb. homerun-hitting grandkids. Why don't you try teaching them the difference between right and wrong before you go blaming Bonds and Marilyn Manson for their roid rage.

All of you who blame him for using steroids have only yourself to blame. Don’t put it on Air Bud Selig who really just played the hand he was dealt. Homeruns saved the game. It brought that casual fan back and it’s the reason we don’t look at MLB like we look at the NHL today.

Yeah, Bonds may not be the most sociable guy. But hey, neither is Russell Crowe. He may not be the ambassador that Michael Jordan was, but that’s his own prerogative. He doesn’t need to be the Cliché-spewing, team-first player we all think we love. Yet it’s the Bonds’s and the Owens’s of the world that have paparazzi noting their every like they were Princess Diana. You the fan have made him into what he is, not steroids.

I turned on SportsCenter the other day and I saw that Bonds went 1-3 with a walk and two strikeouts. Doesn’t that just say it all? Not only do they show every Balco-induced homerun, but they also show every Barry-induced strikeout.

So hate him for disrespecting the media. But also hate Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson for doing the same. Hate him for hitting steroid-aided longballs. Just don’t forget to do the same for Sammy Sosa.

But if you ask me, I think most people just hate Bonds because they love to hate him, and nothing else. And homerun record or not, he’s putting asses in the seats of Miller Stadium. And I don’t think even Michael Jordan could have done that. Because Michael Jordan made himself into what he was. With Bonds, we created the monster.

Saturday, July 7, 2007

My State of the Knicks Address

New Yorkers can be so impatient at times. “Fire Isiah” chants rained on the very first game in Madison Square Garden last year, a game that I attended. THE FIRST GAME, and they went Bob Backlund on us and threw in the towel. No the Knicks didn’t make the playoffs. But all in all, I still feel that last season was a success.

I learned a lot about this team though. I learned that David Lee is Pretty Fly for a White Guy. That he is a dominant rebounder despite everything he has going against him, his skin color, his hair, and his size. I learned Stephon Marbury can be dominant, and that Larry Brown didn’t totally castrate his basketball abilities. I learned that Eddy Curry could hit a three, and more importantly that he could dominate the game with his post scoring.

It still wasn’t all peaches and creams. I also learned that despite what John Hollinger’s CDR (I’ll get into that later) may tell you, Channing Frye isn’t a 20-10 player. I learned that no, Steve Francis isn’t even a shell of the shell of a player he was in Houston. But you know what… in one foul swoop, Isiah fixed those two negatives in the trade that brought in Zach Randolph.

ZACH RANDOLPH! Think about it this way. In two years Isiah essentially traded Channing Frye, Michael Sweetney, Trevor Ariza and LaMarcus Aldridge for Eddy Curry and Zach Randolph… because dominant young post players before their prime are easy to come by in the NBA.

Now before John Hollinger loses more hair coming up with new ways to add to his PER aka the CDR (Curry Deficiency Rating) I have a new rating system that I came up with all by myself… lets call it the CSM or the Common Sense Method. See, instead of using the theory of relativity to compare the effectiveness of players I’ve never watched, I’m going to instead watch every Knicks game and then analyze it using my EYE.

How could a combination of two dominant post presences not equate into wins? Common sense, right? Two guys shooting over 50%, getting the majority of the touches while the other team only shoots 45%. Ron Burgundy: It’s science.

What can any team with one defensive stopper do? They can’t double-team both of them. Even the conscienceless Nate Robinson and Jamal Crawford could hit open shots. Heck, even Jared Jeffries would start hitting those shots. Everyone who says that there aren’t enough balls to go around have to realize that other than Jerome James, the Centers aren’t the ones bringing up the ball. When they get the ball, they are supposed to take a high percentage shot. That’s why they made the position, despite what Mike D’Antoni tells you.

And now there’s talk of shipping over Ron Artest for David Lee. While I love David Lee, we have to think both short-term and long term. Ron Artest can literally put these Knicks over the top. David Lee can really be nothing more than an energy guy. But with Randolph’s knack for rebounding, Lee has become less needed. If the Knicks can somehow swing a trade for the St. John’s alumn, it would bring a defensive toughness that has been missing since they sent Charles Oakley packing. And when the time comes where the Knicks would have to actually pay David Lee, I don’t think him or his agent are settling for the Veterans Minimum. Don’t you think we’re better off convincing a complete nut to take less money? Yeah… and it’s even easier when that nut is an All-Star talent who is from New York.

Maybe you Knick fans haven’t watched in a long time. It sure seems that way. Yeah, for a while, these Knicks were practically unwatchable, especially that year when Larry Brown was coaching. But stop for a second regurgitating beat writers’ opinions and try grabbing a remote and watching the game for yourself. Because if you haven’t watched, then you missed this slow overturning of a bad expensive roster into an expensive one with enormous potential.

Complain all you want about the payroll, Knick fans, but that really doesn’t affect you. All that matters is that the Knicks have become relevant in the league once again. With or without the addition of Ron Artest, the Knicks have a young nucleus that Isiah is not afraid to change if it doesn’t work. And in a day when so many people refuse to take responsibility for their actions, Isiah is, and if he fails it’s not for lack of trying. As compared to you Knick fans who so gave up on him the first game of last season, I stuck with him. And I’m about to see the fruits of his labor. (Pardon the sexual harassment pun)

Jason Paderon is a co-owner, columnist and cartoonist for ChewThemOut.com. Additionally, he was a newswriter at the Staten Island Advance. He can be reached at paderon@chewthemout.com

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Greg Oden vs Kevin Durant: Does it Even Matter?

I remember this day last year, praying that when this day came, it wouldn’t even matter to the success of the New York Knick organization or its legion of fans. (50% of which live in my room apparently)

But I guess its like one of those “Be careful what you wish for” kind of things. Thanks for the lesson, God! But before I go carefully wording my draft day prayer let me talk about this for one second. After all, this is supposed to be a draft for the ages, right?

Well at the top of the draft are two high school studs, fresh victims of the Age Rule. One, Greg Oden, a seven-foot defensive monster, brought to Ohio State the biggest hype we’ve seen this side of LeBron James. Meanwhile, Kevin Durant playing the Carmelo to his Lebron, fresh off his domination in Texas.

Who to choose? This is the question that has plagued fans and journalists alike over the last couple months. This isn’t anything entirely new, however. We’ve been faced with these decisions before with Carmelo and LeBron, Dwight Howard and Emeka Okafor, and even the great Jordan v Bowie debate.

While the jury may be out on the other two, the Bowie draft pick over Michael is one that has plagued the Trailblazer organization to this day. That and a stretch when they were pretty much were the Bengals of the NBA combined causing fans to disappear faster than Clyde Drexler’s hairline.

So, faced with a similar decision again, what is Portland to do? Let’s just hold it for a minute right there. Is this really a draft the caliber of the 1984 draft that produced Michael Jordan, Hakeem Olajuwon, Charles Barkley, John Stockton and Rick Carlisle? (That’s right, 3rd round, 23rd pick to the Boston Celtics) I don’t think so. I don’t even think it’s on par with the draft that produced LeBron, Dwyane Wade, Carmelo and Bosh.

It’s funny that in sports we are always so quick to look for “successors.” God knows how many “Next Jordan’s” and “Next Dirk’s” we’ve had over the years. But let’s really compare these guys to what we have.

What is Greg Oden’s ceiling really? Are we looking at the next David Robinson? The next Patrick Ewing? The next Bill Russell? Let me answer all those three questions with a quick ‘no’ and an even quicker slap for insulting me.

As ‘great’ as Oden was in the championship game, I also saw a very flawed player. While he was an excellent shot-blocker, he looked a step slow on some plays and his offensive repertoire was about as extensive as Philip Seymour Hoffman in Along Came Polly. (Always a favorite of mine.)

How good can he really become? I see him as a bigger Ben Wallace with a slightly better offensive game. Nothing really more. And while he may be an important clog on a championship team, I don’t see him as being the Tim Duncan of a championship team.
Now before you go jumping on the shoulders of Kevin Durant, realize that he probably wouldn’t be able to hold you up. I understand that many players have come to the NBA rail-thin and have succeeded, but how many Next KG’s have to come and fail before we realize that he’s more the exception than the rule. More so, how many teams has Garnett carried to a championship in his tenure? 0.Lack of supporting cast or not, isn’t this what we expect out of a #1 pick?

Durant’s game is said to be more like Carmelo Anthony’s than anything, except Durant rebounds. My question is his heart. Honestly.

As an athlete, I’ve seen many people with that desire to become better and for some reason Durant throws up that red flag. Yeah, he’s really athletic, but seriously, I’m 165 lbs and I could bench press him. And my 100 pound girlfriend could bench 185 lbs. as many times as he can.

Arguments could be made for those the likes of Tayshaun Prince and Reggie Miller, but Tayshaun is a defender first, who isn’t asked to create his own shot, and Reggie never created his own shot with the ball. There’s a reason why there just aren’t that many of these guys.

I see a lot of Adam Morrison in him actually. I think he’s going to struggle to score as easily as he did in college, and as for the 11 RPG, I’d be surprised if he got seven.

Let’s say that that’s the ceiling for these guys. One is a taller Ben Wallace who can’t rebound. The other is a poor man’s Carmelo Anthony who has more of a face-up game than anything else. Now while both players would be excellent additions to veteran teams, neither is ready to take the NBA by storm and dominate like LeBron did. If you asked me, I would trade the pick, then hire Isiah Thomas as a draft day consultant. But then again, I am a Knick fan.


Jason Paderon is a co-founder, columnist, and cartoonist for ChewThemOut.com. Additionally, he was a news reporter for the Staten Island Advance. He can be reached at paderon@chewthemout.com.

Wrestling has Gone too Far

The recent untimely death of yet another pro wrestler has resurrected the question: Has wrestling gone too far?

In this time where instant gratification is valued above long-term success, it is that and that alone that has kept professional wrestling alive over the years. When the world wanted mullets and spandex colliding in a graceful, yet violent way, wrestling provided. When they wanted scantily clad women parading their surgically enhanced bodies all over the ring, they got it. When they wanted “huge bumps” and hardcore matches, wrestling gave it to them. But we as fans forgot about the whole other half - the guys who did this day in and day out and their families.

Instant gratification is wrestling’s only headlock on the boxing and MMA worlds. The fact that the biggest names could headline an overpriced Pay Per View card, then have a rematch the very next day on Raw. It was great for us, but what about the people with those names.

One may argue that the toll isn’t necessarily equivalent to that of the “real” combat sports, these aren’t exactly cream puffs landing on marshmallows. No matter how trained you are, no matter how muscular, no matter your pain tolerance; these athletes are working 300 days of the year for you, the fan. There are no off-seasons, and as a result, these aches and pains add up.

And then you see so many of these wrestlers dying at a young age. These are people. I’m only 21-years-old, and I’ve already seen more than my share of wrestling deaths. Deaths of many of those wrestlers of whom I grew up idolizing.

You see so many people so quickly dismiss wrestling because it’s “fixed.” But these deaths are real. Darren Drozdov is really paralyzed. Addictions to painkillers and steroids have become commonplace in wrestling locker rooms, more so than in any other comparable athletic activity. That’s why the number of deaths of wrestlers before age 50 is astronomical. Maybe it’s just me, but I never really thought of myself as middle-aged.

I’m just taking this as a wakeup call and I hope the wrestling world gets it too. The pressure we put on these people to be of a perfect physique for their whole lives are expectations that simply cannot be attained by the most genetically gifted. At least next time I watch a wrestling match on TV I won’t be yelling, “Kill him!” because the sad reality is the fans already are.


Jason Paderon is a co-founder, columnist, and cartoonist for ChewThemOut.com. Additionally, he was a news reporter for the Staten Island Advance. He can be reached at paderon@chewthemout.com.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Hop off the Lebronwagon

Wow, you would have thought Jordan was back. That was the impression I’ve been getting ever since LeBron’s Game Five 48-point explosion that set the NBA world on fire. But before we all go hopping onto the Bronwagon, let’s just calm down for a second. While he did score 28 points consecutively, and while he really did make a historically great defense irrelevant, was it really the memorable performance everybody made it out to be?

I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me, but I’d rather watch Kobe go off for 81. I’d rather watch Jordan push off Craig Ehlo, forever casting him in the background of a decade’s worth of Gatorade commercials. I’d rather watch Reggie Miller score as many points as he could get out of that alien-body in 12 seconds. I’d rather watch Larry Johnson’s four-point play. Those are the memorable performances in my mind. Heck even the Allan Houston three pointer after a Stephon Marbury miss to force overtime against the Dallas Mavericks three years ago in the regular season will stand out more.

The point is that LeBron was just dunking, and not dunking it in a Vince Carter
way that you would remember either. They were uncontested basic dunks that my brother often does in warm-ups. When you’re six-feet and in high school, it’s really cool. When you’re 6’8 and in the NBA, it’s nothing we haven’t seen before. In fact, the most Vince Carter thing about his whole performance were the mindless, flat, fadeaway jumpers he took “cuz he was fillin’ it.”

There was no excitement. There was no point in that stretch where I had to step back, take a breath and just admire it. It happened too quickly. And whule, no, it doesn’t have to be flashy to be effective, it does need to be flashy to be memorable. After all, how many Tim Duncan and Shaquille O’Neal playoff highlights do you really remember?

And after all of that was said and done, Detroit was still in the game! After LeBron became a cyborg, he became human on defense. Jordan never did. Kobe never did. Duncan never did.

Don’t give me that crap about LeBron’s teammates or lack thereof. Jordan didn’t exactly have Hakeem Olajuwon in the middle. Heck, he didn’t even have Zydrunas Ilgauskas. And look at the Spurs. Other than Tim Duncan, who on that team was supposed to amount to anything? Michael Finley…14 years ago?

I look at the draft as a litmus test for how good the scouts believe a player would be. I understand that Tony Parker is quick, but he wasn’t supposed to be this good. Same thing goes for Manu Ginobili. But Tim Duncan (and Eva Longoria) has made them into household names and perennial All-Star contenders, and more importantly, perennial championship contenders.

Isn’t that what LeBron was supposed to do so well in the first place? To elevate the games of his teammates a la Magic Johnson? I mean, for all the times we’ve questioned the playing ability of Damon Jones and Eric Snow, did we totally forget that Robert Horry is horrible in precisely 47 minutes of every game? Yeah. Because Tim Duncan IS that good.

Not to take anything away from LeBron’s performance though. On that stage, in that arena, against that team, yeah; it was great. Did it surpise me? Not at all.

At no point did LeBron impress me really. I KNEW he could jump out of the gym. I KNEW he was a 22-year-old guard despite looking like a 30-year-old power forward. I knew this, and expected it in Game 1. After all, he could have powered home a dunk for the ages on Tayshaun, but instead he decided to defer to his fat 3-point shooting power forward, Donyell “No I’m not Ludacris in 10 years” Marshall. Then I was so sure that he would dunk it in Game 2. Instead, we got a Vince Carter type fadeaway five feet from the rim.

So he had failed twice already. So why does this become like he didn’t mess those situations up. If he does, this game doesn’t even take place. The Cavs would have swept the Pistons dynasty and the Knicks would be introducing Rasheed Wallace as their Power Forward right now. (I wish)

To me this is like A-Rod striking out 50 consecutive times in clutch situations. We know he has the talent. We knew it. Now in the World Series, he finally hits a clutch grand slam. Does it instantly make him clutch? Does it instantly make him great? What if instead of A-Rod, it’s Josh Phelps. Does he become an all-time great too? No. Just ask Miguel Cairo.)

Michael Jordan said it all recently when he said, "Making 'The Leap' is where you do it every single night. It's expected of you, and you do it. ... Not one game, not two games. It's consistent. Every defense comes in and they focus on you and you still impact the game. I think he's shown signs of that."

Signs. That’s it. Maybe he will become great one day and pass down this advice to the next LeBron. But he’s not there yet, and don’t be surprised if Tim Duncan shows him that. But instead of forcing the weight of the world’s expectations upon him, why don’t we just sit back and let him develop into the player he’s destined to be.

Jason Paderon is a co-founder, columnist, and cartoonist for ChewThemOut.com. Additionally, he was a news reporter for the Staten Island Advance. He can be reached at paderon@chewthemout.com.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Stop Getting the Knicks Fans Riled Up!

Apparently the Knick fans aren’t alone in wishing the team back to the NBA elite. With the free agent season just around the corner, the rumor mills have bounced around the Knicks name like Jessica Simpson on a trampoline.

First it was Pau Gasol. Then it was Kevin Garnett. Then Jermaine O’Neal said he wanted to come here. Vince Carter too. Chris Webber wanted to come here last year in Philly when it seemed as if his career was on the wrong side of the hill. Homegrown psychopath Ron Artest is a virtual lock as soon as Sacramento decides he’s not a good influence on Mike Bibby. Word is Kobe Bryant apparently wants out of LA, La la unless West comes back west. And look whose team has come to the forefront? That’s right, your New…York… Knicks! (Brings me back, it really does.)

And that was only this off-season. Don’t forget that Lebron, D-Wade and Carmelo are headed here after their three year contracts are done.

So let me get this straight. So according to these rumors, the Knicks will have a starting lineup of Wade, Kobe, Lebron, Garnett and Jermaine O’Neal? Sounds good to me!

But oh wait… how are we supposed to get these guys?

I don’t want to hear that it’s because of the money. If we figured out a way to trade for Tim Thomas, trade Nazr Mohammed for an overpaid, undersized Malik Rose, and overpay for Jerome James there HAS to be a way!

But now I have to stop being a Knick homer for a minute. Honestly, these are superstars, and even if they are content with $5 million veteran exceptions in exchange for all the endorsements, their agents certainly aren’t. I mean, as high-paying a city as New York is with our Yankees, Mets, Rangers and Knicks, you don’t see the best player in their sports playing here. (Alex Rodriguez is about as close as we’re going to get, yet we’ll never appreciate him until we’re describing him to our grandchildren.)

In fact, instead of a collection of highly-paid superstars, the Knicks are more like highly-paid second-tier players. Not to take anything away from them, though. If I was going to be paid 10-times less than the salary Jerome James gets I’d be happy. And you would too. But it shows just how desperate teams can get. There aren’t exactly enough superstars to go around, not even to New York.

The problem is that if these superstars were so willing to come to New York and play under the microscope of two major tabloids, non-stop coverage from ESPN and ChewThemOut.com ;-) then they would.

So if Garnett wants to play alongside Marbury again, I’m certainly not standing in his way. It would probably make his wallet extra large and either way make or break his legacy. If Isiah could somehow make amends with Larry Legend and figure out a way to swing a Stevie Francis for Jermaine O’Neal deal, then by all means… PLEASE DO IT!

But I’m getting tired of rumors circulating every day about possible Knick acquisitions with nothing coming out of it. When Kobe Bryant’s limousine door swings open and he steps foot onto the New York City pavement as a New York Knick, believe me, I’ll be one of those people there screaming like a girl at a Jason Paderon column reading. (Or a Justin Timberlake concert, whichever gets the point across better.)

But until that day, I’m just going to have to live with the fact that it’s still Jerome James stepping out of that limo. Not that I care though, I’ll still be there screaming my brains out. I’m a Knick fan.


Jason Paderon is a co-founder, columnist, and cartoonist for ChewThemOut.com. Additionally, he was a news reporter for the Staten Island Advance. He can be reached at paderon@chewthemout.com.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Toon Them Out: Celtics Karma

Hey Boston! You're Just Like Us!

Tuesday night was one of the most ironic in the Boston-New York rivalry. Aside from the Yankee-Red Sox matchup, the New York and Boston fans were bickering in sports again; finding themselves in opposing positions on the night of the draft lottery: The Celtics intentionally tanked the season to get Oden, and the Knicks unintentionally tanked the season to keep the Bulls from getting Oden. Ah the drama...

So with the Knicks having pretty much nothing to do with this lottery, I really could care less about the result… except the factoid that the Celtics…of all teams, pretty much tanked the season in an organizational effort to gain the right to emblazon the Oden name onto 1000’s of green jerseys.

As a sports fan it really sickened me. How could you root for your team to lose? You know what, even if its better in the long run, sports is a short term kind of deal! Honestly, it might have been better if the Jets lost that game two years ago, and instead of Thomas Jones we'd have Reggie Bush in our backfield. But I'd cheer them on again if it happened today.

This really showed the hypocritical nature of the Boston sports fan to me. I saw one guy on ESPN’s Conversation beta criticize the Yankee fans; telling them they aren’t entitled to a championship every year. Then this same character had the nerve to explain how the Boston Celtics were long overdue for a break.

Overdue? What exactly are the Celtics entitled to that the Yankees are not? The Celtics made bad organizational moves, compounding bad contracts and high school grads with a lone star in Paul Pierce. Larry Bird is long gone. Len Bias is a distant memory. Tim Duncan didn’t come out to the draft that year. They had Chauncey Billups and gave up on him about a career too early. They essentially traded the best player in the draft (R.O.Y. Roy) so you can get Stephon Marbury’s cousin. (And that’s all Telfair is to me until he proves otherwise) It’s your fault Boston! You had your chances.

But my beef with the Celtics comes from a deeper level. Honestly, I too was once a Birdman of sorts. I cheered against my future coach because there was something so intriguing about a hick with success in such a physical and athletic sport.

Furthermore, I could care less what a Boston fan thinks. I guess its that Yankee attitude, the one where you don’t even care who’s behind you, you’re still in first.

My beef goes beyond any Bill Simmons rant on the karma of the Celtics. You can check out my cartoon to know how I feel about that.

Really my beef comes from a sports journalism class I was in two years ago. Let’s have a Wonder Years-esque flashback, shall we?

Me, with a deeper and totally different voice: My teacher, a Celtic fanatic, and this student, a Patriot fanatic were teaming up on my Knicks, criticizing everything from Eddy Curry’s heart (literally and figuratively) to Stephon Marbury’s tattoos.

I was quickly getting sick of it. I promptly stood up and said, “Well, the Knicks are closer to a championship than the Celtics are!”

I then went on to explain the Isiah Thomas plan and pick out the deficiencies of the Celtic franchise all the way down to their crappy uniform.

Snap back to reality. The draft went on, and the Celtic fans were disappointed with their pick, the fifth pick they wasted all their efforts to get so undeservingly.

“We were screwed!” yelled one Bostonian. “It was fixed,” another cried.

Really?

It’s funny. Because, if anything, David Stern went out of his way NOT to fix this draft. The top three tankers did not get rewarded. The Bulls did not end up with their missing puzzle piece they shouldn’t have had in the first place. The Portland TrailBlazers became relevant.

And mot importantly the Boston fans got a nice Aaron Boone-like slap in the face: You guys are just like us.

Jason Paderon is a co-founder, columnist, and cartoonist for ChewThemOut.com. Additionally, he was a news reporter for the Staten Island Advance. He can be reached at paderon@chewthemout.com.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Walking the Line

t’s amazing the clutch shots Robert Horry has hit in his career. But when you look back on these 07’ playoffs, which shot will you remember? The three that won the game on the court or the hip-check on Nash that won the series? A series that was put in the hands of the commissioner, and let’s just say that David Stern’s recent decisions have been more questionable than Carlos Boozer’s ethnicity.

I’m not going to say that David Stern has an easy job, far from it. God knows the kind of decisions he has to make on a daily basis. (Like how to make the league completely white.) But how hard is it to have rules open to interpretation? If we were just going to connect the dots for every infraction of the law, we wouldn’t need judges. Once we find that somebody did something we just cross-navigate it on our little charts and do it. If this is the case then explain to me how David Stern any more qualified than a monkey, or a child, or even Roger Mayweather?

David Stern. Where do you draw the line? When do you cross that invisible barrier between laying down the law and playing God? Because that’s essentially what you’ve done to the most exciting series we had. You’ve taken the luck out of poker, and in this case, you’ve taken out the opponent too. Why even play, just name the Spurs the champions.

I’m not even going to pose as a Suns fan. In fact, as a basketball traditionalist, I’m more attracted to the Spurs methodical pace than Phoenix’s brand o’ excitement. And God knows the distaste I have for ANY organization actually willing to pay Tim Thomas any more than minimum wage (after the effort he put in with the Knicks.)

No, my argument isn’t that Stoudemire and Diaw shouldn’t be suspended. That’s fine with me; as long as everyone else is held accountable for their actions too.

Like Tim Duncan. Did he not on the court earlier in the game to complain about a call? Don’t tell me you missed that – his eyes were so cartoon-like you could have thought they were filming the sequel to Space Jam. The rule doesn’t seem to have clear-cut there though, only during fights. I SEE!

What about Baron Davis, who gave his former backcourt-mate Derek Fisher an elbow that would make Lex Luger proud? What about when Jason Richardson’s virtual beheading of Turkey’s main man Memo? (It’s a good thing I’m not reading that out loud!) What about Bruce Bowen first kneeing Nash in the gonads then proceding to kicking Amare like he was a soccer ball? You probably have to look those rules up, huh? I’ll save you the time Davey Boy; these incidences aren’t in the rulebook. But stepping onto the court is, and you enforce that to a T. (And here’s a T for Stephen Jackson while we’re at it. You know he probably did something to deserve it.)

And what message is sending to the Spurs? First he rids the league of the official that got fed up with Timmy. Fine! Then Stern doesn’t suspend Bowen for repeated cheap shots. Fine! You don’t find it punishable for the Warriors lack of sportsmanship in Game 4 of their series. Fine! But Stoudemire standing up… one game. Come on!

So then Amare Stoudemire and Boris Diaw sat out the most pivotal game of the series and the Suns found their backs to the wall where they should have found new life. And because of what? Because David Stern wanted to avoid the firestorm from the ‘silent majority’ of Spurs faithful?

That’s why you have a job. It is your duty to judge each incident on a case-by-case basis, and then enforce whatever punishment you deem appropriate.

What’s the difference between Robert Horry shoulder blocking Steve Nash and Stoudemire getting up to protect him. One additional game, apparently. The suspensions equal 30.1 combined PPG for the Suns, compared to 3.9 points PPG the Spurs lose. And the Spurs provoked it and had the only physical interaction in the entire melee.

It amazes me how the repercussions of taking out the other team’s best player can actually benefit your cause. What stops Jacque Vaughn from doing the same thing this game? If he goes Stephen Jackson on the South African native Canadian and the same thing happens, what precedent are you setting? I see that it prevents the bench from stepping on the court, but how does it prevent a Spurs bench player from doing the same this game and knocking every Suns All-Star out of the game?

Stern’s response: Well, as long as the bench does not stand up! That would be terrible for the league’s image.

My Answer: Much worse than the commissioner fixing the finals.

Monday, May 14, 2007

The Dissappointment of the Century

I don’t even need to say which fight I’m talking about. You know. The Golden Boy VS The Pretty Boy. Heck, even subplot was intriguing with the estranged father of Mayweather stepping away from De La Hoya’s corner to support his son.

Geez, if there ever was a sign that boxing’s sign of apocalypse, look no further than that first paragraph… a Pretty Boy VS a Golden Boy, both of which come under the long-time tutelage of barely literate brothers (Roger and Floyd Sr.)

The promoters advertised it as “the World Awaits” and Golden Boy Promotions sold its soul to basically any and every advertiser who would take the bait. (By the way, this article is brought to you by Tequila Cazadores™ What I can't make a dollar too?)

Some called it the Super Bowl of Boxing. Sports Illustrated tabbed the fight, “The Fight to Save Boxing.” Bill Simmons even took a break from massaging Tim Duncan/Tom Brady/Larry Bird’s collective genitalia to dub this “Boxing’s Last Great Fight.”

I just let a week go by to let ‘the fight of the century’ sink in. Wow. If that’s the century we’re in store for, I think I’ll look elsewhere. Maybe it’s the UFC, maybe its hockey. Heck, I’ll be better off waiting for Kyle Farnsworth inevitable inside fastball on Jason Varitek causing the biggest Yankee-Red Sox donnybrook this side of Don Zimmer. (Oh I could dream, can’t I?)

That’s right I said it, the fight sucked. A week later, and everybody in the boxing world has been hush-hush about the effect of the fight. It was almost as if it was taboo to say the fight was a disappointment – but it was!

For the most part, the experts knew Mayweather was going to dominate, but for sure they expected some kind of showing. The fair-weather boxing fans knew Oscar De La Hoya’s name and cheered their hearts out with every non-effective flurry he threw at Mayweather’s gloves and booed with every singular, non-spectacular responsive counter punch Floyd threw back. It’s Fannnnn-tastic!

Apparently Mayweather’s Ali-like talk was about as close to the excitement we were going to get from the guy. The guy who brought out a chicken and mocked De La Hoya calling him the Golden Girl. The guy who insulted the UFC, an company who’s promotion and organization runs circles around today’s boxing world. The guy who frankly made De La Hoya look like a pretty boy who really didn’t belong in the ring with the real “Pretty Boy.”

But doesn’t the whole bad guy thing only work when you DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT? Like, for example, when you end the fight spectacularly one way or another.

But after all the hoopla, was that what we got?

What we got was no knockdowns, no visible bruising, and no cuts, combined with massive confusion on behalf of the casual fan. Those fans (and one judge who apparently won his job from a slot machine) saw the fight convincingly for De La Hoya. The boxing fanatics and the two other judges saw something of a non-exciting defensive domination from Mayweather that would make the pre-strike New Jersey Devils seem exciting.

In a way I guess Oscar prevailed. He did end up making about two and a half times the amount Mayweather did. And he did bring the non-boxing sports world to the big-screened living rooms of America. And he did try…REALLY REALLY HARD.

But I’m sorry; it wasn’t good enough for me. Maybe I was too optimistic. I was sure that De La Hoya would be kissing canvas in the end. But then again maybe he wouldn’t. Maybe this was going to be the knockdown, drag-out brawl in the mold of the great Gatti-Ward bouts. I guess I fell into the boxing trap mode; the “Hey maybe this will be the fight (fill in blank)” mode.

But Mayweather just wasn’t that guy. He wasn’t out to knock out the Golden Boy. He wasn’t out to make him look silly. He wasn’t even out to show the world that he was decidedly better. He did enough, and just enough to win a title. But that’s not what boxing needed. Not with the eyes of the world on it after a decade-long separation. Not with the sport on a respirator, struggling to compete with the UFC for the average man’s Pay Per View dollar.

But screw boxing, a wins a win. The problem is that when Mayweather comes back for his next fight, and he will come back, will the living rooms be packed like they were for this fight?

Not unless he’s fighting Sean “The Muscle Shark” Sherk in the octagon they won’t.

Jason Paderon is a co-founder, columnist, and cartoonist for ChewThemOut.com. Additionally, he was a news reporter for the Staten Island Advance. He can be reached at paderon@chewthemout.com.

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Interview with Giants Kawika Mitchell

I recently caught up with Kawika Mitchell, the newly signed Giants linebacker who as a Middle Linebacker for the Chiefs, leading the team in tackles the last two injury-free years. Mitchell will be wearing the number 55 which was previously worn by LaVar Arrington, who’s roster spot was freed up after the Giants released him in the off-season.

JP: I know your name is Hawaiian for David. Did you grow up Hawaii? How did you end up a South Florida Bull.

KM: Well, I was born In Hawaii but I grew up in Florida. I first went to Georgia, but then I transferred to Division 1 AA South Florida because I felt like it was a better opportunity. Eventually we became Division 1A.

JP: You’ve been relatively injury free in your five years for the Chiefs. How have you avoided injury?

KM: As a rookie I had a couple nagging injuries. Basically you need to just work through them. I haven’t missed a play in the last two years. I have a great trainer down in Florida. Basically I work out all year ‘round. You really have to at this level. In college you were always bigger than people. In the pros everybody has the physicality.

JP: Given your durability and obvious knack for tackling, why did you only sign a one-year deal?

KM: It was just based on the situation. I was looking for certain terms in a contract, and I wasn’t getting it. I basically looked for the best situation and I saw the Giants who are a playoff team, with a good defense, and good leadership.

JP: But now you have to move away from Middle Linebacker, the position you played all your career. How comfortable will your transition be.

KM: It’s really not going to be that drastic, I played outside linebacker in college.

JP: OK, well that’s not the only thing you have to worry about. Obviously the New York media is going to be watching your every move. How does it feel to be playing in New York?

KM: I’m excited. I always want to play on the big stage. I feel like I don’t have much to worry about, I’ve been producing my whole career. I’ve been on many winning teams and I love to compete.

JP: What’s the biggest difference so far between Kansas City and New York?

KM: The people. The city. Everything’s different. I had a good time in Kansas City. Herm Edwards was a good coach. He was a player so he knows what we go through every day. He took care of me, but I look forward to having a good year in New York.

JP: Thank you and good luck with the season.

KM: Thanks, good luck with your site, I am a big fan of yours. (OK maybe I made this line up!)

Monday, April 30, 2007

Baron Davis Makes Leap into Overrated Class

So it seems we have next years MVP, crown him now, Charlotte/New Orleans/Oklahoma/Las Vegas/Seattle/Kansas City castoff: Baron Davis. At that would be the case if things keep going the way they are, fresh off his team's manhandling of this year's MVP and his team of Averites.

Now before you go “Joshua Downs” and start gulping the dark blue and orange colored Kool-Aid, think about this: Isn’t this whole situation so eerily similar to how ballyhooed we made Dirk last year before the Heat handed his German ass back to him on a Shaq-sized platter? Haven’t we learned?

Not to forget that Baron Davis is a shoot-first point guard - almost the same exact player that Stephon Marbury is, and there is nothing more the New York fans want to do than have Starbury’s in colors other than Orange and Blue. Marbury couldn’t carry the Knicks alone, neither can B-Diddy.

Forget about the fact that Baron has seemingly ignited these 8th place nobodies into playoff history, it hasn’t entirely been on B-Diddy’s oft-injured shoulders. Don’t forget about the career years from Monte Ellis and Matt 'Skelator' Barnes. Don’t forget about Stephen “I know I have a bad attitude but shut up I’ll shoot you” Jackson. Don’t forget about Al Harrington and his weird head dimples. And really don’t forget about the 7 foot tall skinny Latvian that almost totally made you Warrior fans forget that you threw a bucket of money at Adonal Foyle two seasons ago. (Who?) Most importantly, don’t forget who your coach is.

That’s right. The biggest part of this series hasn’t even been Baron Davis’s stellar play, splitting traps and hitting tough to damn near impossible jumpers. It wasn’t his teammates either. (Sorry Zarko Caparkapa)

It was good ol’ Donny Nelson, the Dallas Maverick outcast who they let go in order to give the reigns to newbie Avery Johnson.

Did we not forget that Nelson was the coach of the exact team they’re playing against for the last eight years of his coaching life? What, did you think he forgot his gameplans and Dallas playbooks down in Texas? He knows every detail of uber-star Dirk Nowitzki’s game from the turn-around fadeaways to the sky-scraping three pointers that he apparently takes way too much of. He knows the types of players Devin Harris and Josh Howard are… HE DRAFTED THEM. The only thing he didn’t know was the Erick Dampier could actually be useful, but hey, who did?

So before you go crazy and start pre-ordering Warriors finals tickets, remember that this was the same team that was just 42-40, a team that up until the last day was unsure of whether they would make the playoffs at all. And their center Andris Biedrins, as bronzed as his skin is, is still just 21. And so is Monte Ellis, despite the widely spread rumor that he’s actually a 13 year-old AAU player with sick hops.

And although this team was fully prepared for Dallas, what’s going to happen when Tim Duncan and his bland personality and style of basketball walks into the Oracle Arena and issues a personal and not-too flashy “welcome to the playoffs” spanking?

Get back to when they beat San Antonio. Because then maybe I too will be drinking some of the Kool-Aid. Oh Yeahhhhh!!!

Sunday, April 29, 2007

The Refs Strike Back

I recently took one of my routine trips to the local ‘R Us in search of my ever elusive Wii. After watching some spoiled brat pestering his father to buy him one too, his father acquiesced, and got the last one. THE LAST ONE!
He didn’t deserve it. Not after all the half-assed work and phone calls I had done to find one.

Anyway, the story has a point. The father, at first so reluctant to open his wallet, soon fell sucker to the cry-baby antics of his little brat of a child. And it makes me sick – not just because I don’t have my Wii, but also because these antics worked.

I see the same thing in the sports world. I understand that Tim Duncan shouldn’t be talking back to you. He should just play the game. But I’m sorry Mr. Joey Crawford, as much as you would like to be the main attraction, the reason the fans come to the arenas, YOU'RE NOT. There’s a reason why it says Knicks v. Bulls Tonight in bright lights not JOEY CRAWFORD officiates NBA Game. Thats why you’re on the welfare line.

You see it in football. These instant replays, instead of being the checking tool that they were designed to be have become “oh there isn’t a replay rule for that"-athons in which we waste four minutes of our lives staring at the officials finely tuned ass.

You see it in baseball. In a game of a recent game between the Yankees and the Boston Red Sox the umpire seemed to be on 4-second tape delay, almost to say, “Hey, I want my camera time.”

Then on half swings, the Third Base umpire so vehemently contorts his body, all to make sure that the batter 30 feet away knows whether or not he went around. Believe me a little fist pump would do.

Then in basketball it has become a big problem. Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you heard about the Joey Crawford debacle in which he lost his temper and decided to eject Tim Duncan and T up any other people who dare cracked a smile. I’m not saying that he wanted the attention, but seriously, should we know who the officials are other than seeing their names as a sidenote on a box score?

Other than Dick Bavetta’s hilarious footrace against the 400 lb. rent-losing machine in Charles Barkley, the officials shouldn’t even make the news at all.

But what annoys me beyond anything is something I just read in while browsing through the ESPN Message Boards. Apparently it wasn't just me that got the inclination that the refs are 'influencing' games as a response?

I know that’s quite a big scandal, one that might be even more disturbing than Hideki Matsui's 'extensive' porn collection. I know of it’s effect on an internationally popular sport. I don't want to do it but I just get that feeling. I’m just saying that there does seem to be a lot of upsets. And some of these questionable calls do seem to be going one way.

I know somebody else has had to notice. Extra three-second violations on Dallas. A traveling violation on Shaq. Stephen Jackson not getting technical fouls. Blame it on just ‘regular’ officiating but I see it as perhaps a message from the refs: Don’t mess with us.

If this was the case I don’t want it to become a scandal.

I don’t want it to become a black-eye of the sport not induced by a Ron Artest tantrum. I just want the refs to know that I've noticed, and I get the point. YOU WIN! But I’ll keep quiet as long as you call these games with your regular home-field biases. But please don’t ruin these playoffs, Stephen Jackson can do that by himself by leading the Warriors to the championship. He doesn’t need your help.

Jason Paderon is the co-founder, columnist, and cartoonist for ChewThemOut.com. Additionally, he was a news reporter for the Staten Island Advance. He can be reached at paderon@chewthemout.com.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

2007 NFL Draft Journal

If you missed the NFL Draft, fret none, cuz Maz and Danny got cha back, suckah. Here are the notable events:

12:00 Mike Vick has yet to leave the stage. Apparently Bruce Smith needs directions to his house.

12:15 Michael Vick is the first to congratulate new Raiders QB Jamarcus Russell, and hands him a copy of his new book: Believe Your Own Hype, But Never Live Up To It (Bonus Chapter: Passive Income From Pitbulls)

12:25 Calvin Johnson is crying after getting off the phone. Apparently, he received some discouraging words from his new QB Jon Kitna: "I'm going to be throwing you the ball."

12:26 Keyshawn Johnson explains to everyone how Calvin Johnson is not the best WR ever drafted named Johnson.

12:30 Calvin Johnson is officially selected by the Lions. The fans cheer him for the last time, as they're not expected to see him on TV for the next several years.

12:33 Browns are up. Everyone in the Green room have turned off their cell phones.

12:38 Footage: Joe Thomas is out fishing right now.

12:41 Brady Quinn is shown sporting his new threads from the Michael Irvin Jive Soul Shop.

12:42 Cleveland selects Joe Thomas.

12:43 Joe Thomas legally changes his name to Brady Quinn.

12:48 Steve Young checks his watch. He hopes he can stick around for the Niners pick before his next Botox injection at 2:40.

12:50 Adrian Peterson sprains wrist picking up the phone. Surgery is expected.

12:51 Mike Martz has hired NFL Draft Consultant Dikembe Mutumbo to reject all trade offers for his new crowning jewel, Calvin Johnson.

12:54 Gaines Adams shows off his trendy urban haircut which features the word "BUST" shaved into his head.

12:57 Gaines Adams is selected by the Bucs.

1:01 JaMarcus Russell signs his first endorsement deal with fast food juggernaut McDonalds.

1:04 Levi Brown is selected by the Cardinals, and instantly pimped out as the face of UPS new marketing campaign: Who Can Brown Block For You?

1:06 PM Dan Snyder is talking to Keyshawn Johnson at the ESPN desk.

1:08 PM #6 is dealt to Carolina for Key

1:10 PM Keyshawn restructures deal to become highest paid WR in league history.

1:11 Redskins are on the clock. Eli and Archie Manning are shown praying that Amobi Okoye isn't selected.

1:13 PM LaRon Landry is shown wearing a tie. Lets see if this effects his draft status.

1:16 PM Sean Taylor calls up LaRon Landry. Asks him if he wants to go to the shooting range tomorrow.

1:17 PM LaRon Landry is selected by the Redskins. He is projected to start at the Get Ran Over by Brandon Jacobs position.

1:17 PM Vikings are now on the clock.

1:18 Mel Kiper takes two Tums capsules to settle his underlying virus: diarrhea of the mouth.

1:26 A sweaty and unshaven Mike Tice runs up to the podium to select QB Byron Leftwich.

1:27 Mike Tice is carried away by security.

1:28 Vikings select Adrian Peterson.

1:29: Adrian Peterson sprains his face smiling for a picture.

1:35 Brady Quinn smiles at Rachel Nichols. Her panties drop faster than Quinn's draft stock.

1:38: Atlanta is getting ready to pick Amobi Okoye.

1:39 Atlanta selects Jamaal Anderson. Okoye wonders if Jamaal Anderson is English for Amobi Okoye.

1:40 Rich McKay is bitten by stray dog.

1:41 Mike Vick promises to take care of it. He hands McKay a copy of his book.

1:43 Rumor circulates that Vince Young's forehead has tested positive for steroids.

1:49 Tom Brady marks his territory by impregnating The Pussycat Dolls before Quinn has his shot at them.

1:51 Dolphins select Ted Ginn. Brady Quinn shows a disgenuine smile. Women all over the country faint.

1:52 Ted Ginn Jr runs a 4.29 forty to the podium. Unfortunately he ran a slant instead of a post and instead of the podium he wound up in the Green Room

1:57 Quinn's girlfriend is shown with a fresh black eye.

2:01 Texans call Amobi Okoye. No answer. Spongebob is on.

2:04 Texans select Amobi Okoye

2:09 Undrafted Brady Quinn is shown with a new, less hot girlfriend.

2:13 Amobi Okoye takes phone call from Houston and they tell him they're going to draft him. Amobi asks "can I really play on two teams?"

2:14 Brady Quinn receives a phone call from Matt Leinart. He sends his condolences in the form of Paris Hilton.

2:16 Feeling desperate, Brady Quinn hires Terrell Owens as his publicist.

2:17 Brady Quinn's ex girlfriend is shown with Tom Brady. She's expecting their first child any minute now.

2:20 49ers select Patrick Willis.

2:22 Patrick Willis puts in Madden 07 to practice breaking Shaun Alexanders leg.

2:28 Bills select Marshawn Lynch.

2:29 Marv Levy's test results confirm Alzheimers'.

2:32 Marshawn Lynch picks Roger Goodells wallet.

2:33 Brian Belichick wonders to himself "do I really need any help?"

2:35 Mel Kiper takes down all previous mock drafts and then puts up his current draft chart.

2:39 Rams select Adam Carriker.

2:41 ESPN goes to find Adam Carriker to interview

2:44 Jets trade up with the Panthers.

2:48 Chad Pennington's daughter throws a bullet pass to him. Pennington throws a two-hopper back to her.

2:50 "I'm not Adam Carriker guys, I'm Grant Wistrom"

2:55 Jets select Darrelle Revis.

2:57 Upon the Jets landing Revis, the New England Patriots trade for Randy Moss, Larry Fitzgerald, and Steve Smith.

2:59 Brady Quinn's ex gives birth to Tom Brady's child.

3:01 Brady's child goes #16 overall to the Pittsburgh Steelers.

3:02 Packers mull over taking a sickly person with their pick rationalizing that if he dies during the year it means at least one mega Favre game.

3:07 Packers end up drafting Brady Quinn's body. They're working on a way to transplant Favre's soul into it.

3:13 Harrell gets a call from GB saying they'll draft him. Harrell says "C'mon Meachem, quit foolin'"

3:16 Steve Young makes a point and once again forget the camera will stay on him once he finishes talking.

3:25 Denvers trade up to get Jarvis Moss. Apparently, they thought they were trading for Randy Moss.

3:30 Jarvis Moss gets a call from his Probation Officer. Moss explains he's had no run ins with the law. The PO says "not yet".

3:31 Sports Guy is pissed at us. He can't fathom us going three and a half hours with so few Patriots blurbs.

3:37 Marvin Lewis casts Level 3 Revive on Johnny Cochran. The Cincinnati Bengals then select him with the 18th pick.

3:39 Chris Henry explodes at the announcement of the Leon Hall pick. He had already made arrangements with Dwayne Bowe to have a DD around.

3:41 Hot girl on screen. First hot girl we've seen all day.

3:43 Upon further review, we still prefer Brady Quinn.

3:45 Jacksonville is still contemplating taking Quinn. Current reason why they should: Not black

3:48 Vince Young welcomes Michael Griffin to the Titans. He asks Young if he's worried about the Madden Curse. Young is surprised.

3:49: Joe Thomas is lost at Sea.

3:50 Calvin Johnson holds a press conference. While he only used marijuana on rare occasions, crack is a different story.

3:51 Vince Young's agent reads him an article about the Madden Curse. Young tries to convince fellow scholar Lendale White to take his place.

3:52 Lendale White eats Vince Young. Titans have found their franchise left tackle.

3:56 Giants on the clock. Maz holds his breath.

3:57 Michael Irvin leaves set to go "mentor" Calvin Johnson.

3:58 Giants forfeit their pick to the Chargers as gratitude for the Eli Manning trade.

3:59 Giants draft The Dog Whisperer to keep Plaxico Burress in line.

4:00 Okay, okay, Giants draft 34 year old rookie Aaron Ross.

4:01 Steve Young continues to show concussions do effect you.

4:02 Mark May replaces Michael Irvin as least knowledgable analyst.

4:03 Jags draft Reggie Nelson.

4:04 Reggie Nelson begins octagon training with Donovan Darius

4:14 High character Calvin Johnson reveals Crips gang ties.

4:16 Danny Wilson wonders why he is yet to be drafted. He is a 99 overall in Madden.

4:17 Browns now have 2 Brady Quinn's on their roster.

4:18 Brady Quinn II plans holdout with Browns.

4:19 Mike Martz announces the following hirings as his special assistants; Jamaal Robinson, Tyrone Shaw and Mohammed X

4:20 Gaines Adams is nowhere to be found.

4:24 Gaines Adams reappears with a bag of Doritos and a steak quesadilla.

4:25 Cleveland doctors check Quinn for bed sores.

4:32 Dwayne Bowe gets the news he's been dreading, he's heading to KC.

4:33 Herm Edwards calls Bowe to tell him he should see the ball 5 or 6 times this year over 15 yards.

4:40 Patriots select Jessica Alba at the request of Tom Brady.

4:47 Brandon Merriweather drafted by New England.

4:48 Brandon Merriweather helps old women across the street.

4:51 Cleveland Browns set out on jetskis to find their new teammate Joe Thomas.

5:00 Dallas and Philly make a trade.

5:03 Jaws kills himself.

5:07 Cowboys end up taking Anthony Spencer to fill their need of guys with two first names.

5:08 The Eagles plan of assisting in the demise of Donnovan McNabb continues.

5:13 Kellen Winslow's jet ski flips over while attempting a stunt.

5:19 A shark bites off Kellen Winslow's left leg. Luckily, 75% of KDub is better than 100% of anyone else.

5:20 Meachem is pissed that anything nice he buys he can't leave in New Orleans.

5:25 Drew Rosenhaus calls Todd McShay and says he may've won this round, but next time he won't be so lucky.

5:27 Kellen Winslow kills the shark. He's a F'n soldier.

5:31 Braylon Edwards kicks Charlie Frye off the back of his jet ski.

5:33 Edwards goes back and runs him over. Frye, dead at 25.

5:34 Niners trade up for Joe Staley.

5:36 Joe Staley begins making plans to move in with Chris Kaman.

5:43 Alan Branch makes his 7th sack of the game in NCAA 07. He sends his tape off to San Diego.

5:50 Keyshawn says Jarrett reminds him of himself. Jarrett slips to the 4th round.

5:57 Chargers select WR Craig Davis.

6:00 Craig Davis sends Keyshawn a dozen blunts for lowering Jarretts stock.

6:05 Lance Briggs calls Greg Olsen. Demands he sides with him or he'll kill his first born.

6:20 Ginn wonders why Gonzalez gets Manning? Ginn would've settled for Eli.

6:27 Cardinals draft Alan Branch, who eats his jersey.

6:51 After helping the Cowboys draft the end to kill McNabb, Eagles reach for his replacement, Kevin on the Kolb. Everyone questions the picks. Jaws convinces us he's the next Favre.

7:31 Dwayne Jarrett and Keyshawn Johnson speak via cell phone. They plan on switching jerseys come game days. No one will notice the difference.

7:47 Joe Thomas is helped to shore by former forward/current pirate Bison Dele.

8:08 Giants stop torturing me for once and draft USC's Steve Smith, a veritable god among men.

8:19 Raiders trade for Lions McCown and Big Mike Williams. McCown was brought in to start the season at QB. Big Mike was brought in so Russell doesn't feel alone when he comes into training camp 50 lbs overweight.

8:26 Detroit and Cleveland making moves that make sense. Journal ends before World implodes.


Originally Posted on ChewThemOut.com by Mario Castelli and Danny Wilson