Wednesday, February 27, 2008

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We are currently looking for entertaining writers to add to our staff. If you are interested, e-mail me at paderon@chewthemout.com.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Indigestion 2/24/08


  • The Atlanta Falcons have won the coin toss to gain the third pick in the 2008 draft. Unfortunately for the Falcons, they could not keep the coin to help pay for Michael Vick’s salary.

  • Jason Kidd was finally traded to the Dallas Mavericks after the original trade was amended to include Keith Van Horn instead of Jerry Stackhouse. Van Horn will receive a pro-rated $4 Million to come out of retirement. Never has a player been paid to do nothing since, well, Keith Van Horn was in the NBA.

  • This just in, Latrell Sprewell and his starving children are turning in their graves.

  • The Nets, however, were unable to get another deal done as their proposed trade of Josh Boone to the Miami Heat for a pair of used NBA-brand tube socks was blocked by ‘Devious’ Devean George.

  • Big trades; Ben Wallace, Wally Szczerbiak, and Delonte West are all headed to Cleveland in the first move GM Danny Ferry has made in two years. The reason for waiting this long: he having a two year conference with Isiah Thomas.

  • Alex Rodriguez sparked talk after admitting to have been tested 9 times over the last year. Since this would only be possible after failing amphetamine test, Rodriguez admitted that he exaggerated only to feel better than Derek Jeter.

  • Dwight Howard won the 2008 Slam Dunk contest after posting a perfect score through the first two rounds. His second dunk, the “Superman Dunk” sparked some ire from fans as he did not actually dunk the ball, but rather, threw the ball through the basket. After Gerald Green protested, Howard threw Green off the back of the backboard, did a windmill and dunked just because he can.

  • Miami Dolphins defensive end, Jason Taylor has signed on to be on the next “Dancing With the Stars.” Taylor’s testicles have quickly demanded a trade.

  • An incriminating photo of Roger Clemens at Jose Canseco’s party might have irreparably damaged Clemens’ case. Since he was pitching like he was 20, Clemens is expected to be charged with under-aged drinking as well as perjury and he will be forced to give up his Miss America Crown next week.

  • Indiana University head coach Kelvin Sampson was forced to resign after the NCAA discovered repeated recruiting violations. The violation came about when Sampson apparently did not provide freshman star Eric Gordon with a car and a fake job in return for attending Indiana.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

ChewThemOut Indigestion 2/14/08

  • A trade that would have sent Jason Kidd back to Dallas in a seven-player deal fell through when Devean George exercised his no-trade clause. The NBA assumed it was a typo. Not the clause, but the fact that Devean George was still in the NBA.

  • All-time winningest NCAA Basketball coach Bob Knight stepped down as coach of Texas Tech last week, effective immediately. Apparently he knew it was his time when he tried to throw a chair at his backup point guard and realized that he was still alone in his bathroom.

  • Roger Clemens appeared on Capitol Hill to defend himself against the steroid accusations of former trainer, Brian McNamee. Clemens’ defense was weakened by visual evidence and incriminating testimony by Andy Pettitte. When questioned, Clemens threw a broken baseball bat at the representative claiming he thought it was a baseball.

  • Florida Panthers forward Richard Zednik suffered a near-death experience on the ice when a rogue ice-skate sliced his throat open. The ice skate was scheduled for questioning by Senator George Mitchell, but was since destroyed by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell.

  • ESPN has announced that Suzy Kolber and Michele Tafoya will see reduced roles in next year’s coverage of Monday Night Football. Their reasoning: Their target audience doesn't want to look at women. Richard Jefferson has since been let go from his position at ESPN.

  • Speaking of RJ, Rumor has it that Jefferson got into an altercation with a man in a Minneapolis night club, threatening that he would “kick the guy’s ass.” And to further prove his dominance he said he would also get his 9-year-old personal tattoo artist to tattoo an RJ on the guy’s arm.

  • In an unrelated nightclub story, Ron Artest embarassingly got shut out of a nightclub in front of TMZ cameras when the club claimed they had no idea who he was. Artest walked away peacefully and without argument. However, when a fan later asked him for an autograph, Artest punched him.

  • Shaquille O’Neal and Bill Walton had a war of words which came about from Walton referring to Shaquille’s championship aspirations as “an insult to people to think.” However, Walton lost some credibility when he went on to say that marijuana was “an insult to people who do drugs for all-time in the history of this, or any perpendicular universe.”

  • Seattle Supersonic Wally Szczerbiak made headlines when he stated his plans to name his future baby boy Maximus after the movie, Gladiator. His original choice of 'Michael' was quickly insulted then dismissed by his wife, Shannon of Minnesota.

  • After several unedited, vulgar and expletive-laden clips of Chris Berman appeared on the video site YouTube, ESPN asked the site to remove all the videos citing copyright issues. Apparently, Courtney Love owns a copyright on drug-related rants.

  • After much speculation that Jim Fassel would be named the next Redskins coach, Fassel blamed bloggers for him falling out of favor. He continued that he also blames Fantasy Football players for his drafting of Shaun Alexander over Adrian Peterson and Brian Westbrook.


  • Dwight Howard’s request to raise the hoop to 12 feet for this year's slam dunk contest was denied for the second consecutive year. The league stated that they didn’t want to show favoritism as it had previously denied the other 490 players’ request to raise the hoop to 12 feet when Dwight Howard dunked.


Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Isiah, it's Now or Never

Simple question: Is now the time for the Knicks firesale?

While most of you out there was wishing for it since the days of Charlie Ward, even going Benny Arnold on us jumping on the early millenium Nets bandwagon, I think we really have come upon the time.

I could live with the losses last year; Jamal Crawford and David Lee both getting hurt for the season-defining stretch run really made me believe. Then the Knicks inexplicably found somebody to take Channing Frye and Steve Francis, and even better, they gave us their best player in return in Z-Bo.

So with a team tinkering on .500 for the good part of last year, with the addition of another young dominant big man, things were looking good. Excitement actually started to build, even with Sports Illustrated predicting a second-place finish in the Atlantic Division.

So maybe things didn't get off to a great start. That was to be expected. I'll live with the blowouts, seriously, because you can tell that there was room for improvement. However these last nine losses in 10 games have been the worst stretch I could remember. As opposed to early blowout losses, these Knicks were finally playing scrappy and jumping out to leads. But just like that girl that got away in high school, they were first just a big tease, and then they break your heart.

It has become evident that they're not winning because you simply can't win with energy players alone. What kills me is they are actually playing good basketball and it doesn't seem to be enough. And if this culture continues even Nate Robinson, Ronaldo Balkman and David Lee might stop trying so hard.

"Fire Isiah" chants need not apply, this actually might be the best stretch of coaching he's had. But if he values his job, he better not go down with the ship without a fight, and that ship better not be sinking with the Jerome James and Malik Rose weighing it down.

The Knicks need to deal now. Ron Artest is supposedly as good as in the Knicks back pocket for next year. Well, one, you better be damn sure that he will sign for the mid-level exception and two, you had better move some of those guys whose minutes Ronnie will be occupying next year. If it means losing Balkman than so be it. But Tom Cruise's God help us if we take back Mike Bibby or some other bullshit player. I'm tired of these mid-level talents. New York needs a New York guy, with a New York attitude that we could cheer about.

It's time now. No holding back anymore. But whatever you do, Isiah, if you do improve this team, please give this team an identity, and keep them in position to acquire a superstar. LeBron is waiting in the wings, don't let him end up in Brooklyn.

Web Gems: Dwight's Dunk Contest Practice

Friday, February 8, 2008

Are there even franchise players anymore?

Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman, the paper boy, David Tyree...

OK, maybe it wasn't how you remember the Full House theme, but the message still rings true, especially in sports. And no, I'm not talking about the Giants improbable Super Bowl run, I'll leave that for somebody else. I'm talking about the superstars often deemed "franchise players."

Back in the day, franchise players were all over sports. Magic Johnson, Larry Bird, Michael Jordan, Joe Montana... etc, all were pretty much with one team throughout their whole career and for good reason. I mean other than those hanging on just a little too long (Favre-ing) could you really even picture these guys in any other colors? The answer was no. Today? I'm not so sure. But today t seems as if we use the 'franchise' word more liberally than Andris Biedrins uses sun tan oil.

In the last week we saw we saw the greatest player in the Grizzles short history (Kung-Pau Gasol) traded for the Ryan Leaf of the NBA, Kwame Brown. We also saw the best pitcher in baseball (Johan Santana) and the greatest big man of the last decade (The Artist formerly known as Kazaam) moved before we knew it. . and yet we nonchalantly pushed the news aside because we've seen it all before.

Whether it was Terrell Owens, Kevin Garnett, Alex Rodriguez... etc etc, we HAVE seen it before. With big name players moving so around so much they ought to sell jerseys with a dry-erase board on the back. I mean on quick glance of my closet I can now officially classify my authentic Pacers Ron Artest jersey, Pistons Ben Wallace jersey, Nets Kenyon Martin jersey and Knicks Antonio McDyess jersey as unintentional throwbacks.

With so many players now-a-days playing GM, getting the players they want around them (a-la-Kobe Bryant), trading themselves (a-la-Jason Kidd), coupled with free agency and a salary cap, its no wonder why we could never know what to expect... and not in the good way.

And while rumors of LeBron, Wade, Kobe, Jermaine O'Neal and Ron Artest to my Knicks does prove salivating, is it really in the leagues' best interest? Shouldn't Kobe forever live in Laker lore? Magic Johnson was always a Laker. Larry Bird never asked for a trade. Michael Jordan never signed a 3-year-deal in his prime to move to a bigger market. So why are we giving these scrubs (in comparison) all this power?

Free Agency and the salary cap obviously isn't working when Jared Jeffries is getting the full-midlevel exception and David Lee (the Knicks' most important player) hasn't cracked $1 Million. Then when teams like the Orlando Magic go and give a max deal to a mid-level player like Rashard Lewis, we criticize. It's crap. The whole system is crap.

Even in baseball, which has no salary c(r)ap, mid-level teams are still using their smaller-sized market as an excuse for not paying the players they are lucky enough to scout well. Last time I checked, all these teams still sell $8 beers and $5 hot dogs. They all made money but the owners are more concerned about filling their wallet than filling their trophy case.

I really can't blame the players for going out and trying to get paid. I mean if it really was about the winning, wouldn't their local YMCA suffice? It's about getting paid first, then winning. It always has been, even now at the high school and college levels. And it sucks. I really don't know a way to fix it or how to bring it back to the way it was back when Full House was on the air. All I know is that and Danny Tanner curses now. The whole world's gone to hell.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Web Gems: Berman Goes Nuts...on Emmitt!

Somebody get Emmitt Smith off TV please.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Is New England Celebrating Too Soon?

The New England Patriots are the best team in NFL history.

Tom Brady is arguably one of the best quartebacks in NFL history.

Bill Belichick is arguably one of the best coaches in NFL history.

We have all heard this and much more from everyone and everyone, but are the Patriots, the New Englanders, and the rest of the country excluding New York. But the question remains…are

they celebrating too soon? The Super Bowl hasn’t even been played people. Although my faith is as strong as ever since I will remain a Giants fan till my last breath, I find it hard to believe that as the Super Bowl is so close, even New Yorkers are forgetting that the Giants are 3-0 in the playoffs and have beat team after team to get to the big game. The Giants have also come excruciatingly close to destroying the Patriots perfect season. Although we don’t have Randy Moss, and Dante Stallworth as wide receivers…we have more reliable ones in Amani Toomer, Plaxico Burress, we also have an amazing young tight end in Kevin Boss and a good wide receiver in Steve Smith.

We also have a few star players of our own. Who needs Tom Brady when we have Eli Manning…yes I know he hasn’t always been the most reliable, but in past games he has proved to himself and to Giants fans that he is the man to lead this team to a Super Bowl win. Our defensive line is all that worries me, but with Michael Strahan and Osi leading the charge I should not be as worried. The Patriots’ O-line looked stubborn as the Giants failed to penetrate it often. However, every now and then…if they wanted so bad they could taste it…they would get through with Strahan taking on 3 blockers at one time.

The upcoming Super Bowl should be an interesting one and I had hoped that everyone in New York was anticipating a surprising Giants showing. But I was astonished when I found one man told me that the Giants would get destroyed and lose by 59 points…Really guy? 59 point? Then I completely disregarded his comment because he revealed to me he was actually a Cowboy fan to my enjoyment about bringing up the Giants playoff win against them.

All I can say is keep your eyes glued to the screen during this Super Bowl…otherwise you will miss history in the making shattered by the will of the Giants.

Robbin Antony aka Sanjay

The Giants? Really?

OK OK... now everybody's had two weeks to finish their blue Kool-Aid and many seem to be jumping on the bandwagon... as expected. But in all seriousness, do you really EXPECT the Giants to win?

Look, I'm a Jets fan and a New Yorker. So there's nothing more I'd like to see than a Bostonian sulking in a dramatic defeat over Tom Brady's injured body. Nothing, except maybe a wild Josh Beckett pitch to Curt Schilling's mouth but baseball is only an afterthought right now.

The Patriots are the better team. Simple as that, no bones about it. I don't know if any educated person can deny it. Now CAN the Giants win? Of course they can. Any given Sunday, you know.
There is really no way you can honestly predict a Giants win. I'm sorry. No way, and if you do, then you're just over-thinking it. The Giants are merely a matchup problem; much like the Jags were.

Yes, Brandon Jacobs is the last guy the aging, women's-hat-wearing Patriot linebackers want to see. But then again, they were the 4th ranked defense in the league. Yes, the Giants put up a fight the last time and only lost by three, but they DID lose by three. Yes, Eli has been finally playing like a Manning, but then again Brady's been playing like a Manning his whole career. Yes, the Giants won 10 straight road games, but the Pats won 18 straight games.

Now with all that being said, it means nothing this Sunday. Anything could really happen. The Patriots would probably win about 7 out of 10 matchups but you never know. On the very first minutes, Osi can invert Tom Brady's knee ligaments, Corey Webster could lay out Randy Moss and a wild, raging Brandon Jacobs can overrun the sidelines and give Belichick a well-deserved concussion. But hey, until one of these things happens, 7 out of 10 times is a lot. And that ratio is probably generous.

Personally, you know what result I'd like to see, but I really cant expect that, no educated consumer really can. If the Geeeeee-men pulled it off, I wouldn't be too surprised but the Patriots are the clear-cut favorites. Act like it.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Superbowl Head-To-Head

So when did the Giants suddenly become "destined" to beat the Patriots? I don't know about you, but a team that is currently 18-0 and looking at going 19-0 and running the table feels a lot more like a "team of destiny" than a team that has gone 14-5 and whose greatest claim to fame is winning 10 straight road games.

When did Eli Manning go from "horrible" to "savior" so quickly? I think that sound you heard was every sports writer changing their stories quicker than Cromartie taking an interception for a touchdown. But hey, lets analyze this game from position by position, shall we?

Quarterback:
Ben Roethlisberger said today if he could be any superhero, he would be Tom Brady. Until the last four games, Eli Manning's greatest claim to fame was being the younger brother of Peyton Manning. We apparently should be proud of Eli, because he hasn't been throwing the ball to the other team. That is great when the Giants' defense can keep the opponent from scoring, but if it can't and Eli has to chuck the ball in the air, I wouldn't bet on a repeat of his last game against the Patriots. Oh yeah, and Tom Brady has a QB rating of over 115 when the weather is 40 degrees or more.
EDGE: Patriots by a landslide

Running Back(s):
Jacobs and Bradshaw have become the new thunder and lightning. Meanwhile, Maroney has quietly helped to carry the team's offense in the poor weather the last few games. Also, Faulk is one of the best third down backs in the game. Here is my problem; while I rate the Giants' duo as better, they are also hampered by the fact that far more is expected of them.
EDGE: Even

Wide Receivers:
Plaxico Burress thinks his group is as good as the Patriots. I think Burress is being generous with his assessment. Burress, Toomer and Smith are certainly capable, but Moss and Welker alone are superior. Combined with Stallworth and Gaffney, I think one could easily say the Patriots have the edge here. Oh, and I predict Moss has a big game. The Giants don't have any one like Mathis, Jammer or Cromartie capable of defending him.
Edge: Patriots

Tight End:
The Giants are a perfect example of addition by subtraction here. Jeremy Shockey is a cancer whose talent doesn't outweigh how much he hampers his team. Boss has been a more than adequate replacement. Watson simply catches the ball when he has to. In the end, neither tight end is dynamic and game-changing, but also neither one is a liability in either receiving or protection.
Edge: Even

Offensive Line:
Tom Brady has more time in the pocket then he probably lasts in bed with Gisele. As for their run protection, it doens't open gigantic holes but it wears a defense down so that by the end of the game, the holes start opening up. Eli Manning has also been the beneficiary of superior protection, and I believe the Giants run protection has been marginally better than the Patriots', though that could simply be due to the difficulty in planning for two distinct runners.
Edge: Even

Defensive Line:
This is the Giants' single greatest asset; a defensive line that is superior to almost every team they face in terms of getting pressure. Unfortunately, their run defense is suspect (Marion Barber wrecked them; Ryan Grant was wrecked). The Patriots' also have a very good line and also get a lot of pressure, but in this case, the Giants simply have better and more experienced players.
Edge: Giants

Linebackers:
The Patriots linebackers are old. With age comes intelligence and knowledge, at the cost of speed and athleticism. However, the Pats' LBs have had two weeks to rest themselves, and Junior Seau has been waiting approximately a thousand years to get his ring. Plus, Adalius Thomas has been too quiet lately, and I suspect his speed and athleticism will catch Eli Manning by surprise (I predict he gets at least one interception). The Giants' LBs aren't spectactular, but they make the plays they need to make and aren't a liability defensively.
Edge: Even

Secondary:
I think Rodney Harrison is overrated; he misses too many tackles going for the kill shot and can be a liability in pass defense. Saying that, I don't think the Patriots' CBs get enough respect; they are that good. Plaxico Burress may be tall, but so is Vincent Jackson and Chris Chambers, and the Patriots kept them out of the end zone. The Chargers have a team built to score TDs in the red zone (Tomlinson, Turner, Gates, Jackson and Chambers), and yet they could get nary a TD. That should frighten the Giants more than anything else. The Giants' secondary is a joke (did you see Donald Driver's 90 yard TD?). They are prone to giving up big plays and I see no reason for this trend to not continue.
Edge: Patriots, by a lot.

Coaching:
Tom Coughlin is a very good coach. Bill Belichick is a great coach. Coughlin has never gotten this far; Belichick has been here four times in this decade alone, and his defensive gameplan for another Superbowl were so good they were enshrined in the Hall of Fame. Belichick has had two weeks to prepare, plus he has already faced them. While Coughlin has the same edge, which coach do you think is better able to use the information? I see Coughlin freezing under the pressure and making a critical error by being too conservative and not taking enough chances when it really counts. I see Belichick going for the throat and never relenting until he gets that title and finishes off a season that will be talked about for decades. Belichick is too good of a coach to overlook the Giants, and that alone will prevent the upset.
Edge: Patriots

Prediction: The key to rattling Tom Brady is pressure; the Giants can do that. Unfortunately, that is all they can do, and Tom Brady is adept at finding his receivers underneath and then going for the big play when its available. He trusts Moss and Moss has responded to that trust. On the other side, the Patriots defense gives up lots of yards, but is great at keeping opponents out of the end zone. As any mathematician can tell you, if one team keeps scoring 7 and the other keeps scoring 3, it is obvious which will win.

Patriots 42, Giants 24

Web Gems: Berman Goes Nuts